Wrong Turn At Tahoe

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My father used to say, "Life is a road,

"and every day is a mile marker.

"If you don't slow down occasionally,

you'll miss what each mile has to offer. "

But there's also a flip side to that.

Sometimes you can take a wrong turn

and find yourself on the most

God-awful stretch of road imaginable,

spinning your wheels,

praying it's not a dead end.

How you doing back there, Joshua?

I'm in too much pain to be dead.

-How you hanging in there, boss?

-I'm all right.

I've Iost more blood from a bad shave.

Damn. I think one of my Iungs

just collapsed.

That's all right. You only need one.

My old man Iost a Iung to Joe Camel

when he was 53 years old,

and he Iived to be 67.

Still running a pack a day

through the other Iung.

Of course, out of spite,

he switched to Marlboro.

I'm dying, Vincent.

Hey! That is bullshit. I don't Iet you die.

I told you I was Ieaving.

AII right, you gotta stay with me.

We're half an hour

from the doc's house.

I'II have us there in 20 minutes.

Love, honor, power,

fear of death,

people live for all kinds of reasons.

Some are more noble than others.

When all you have to live for is revenge,

it can really bone your quality of life.

Come on in, Donnie.

I don't see

why we have to talk in the garage

when I've got a perfectly nice house.

Why don't I...

Get in there!

Donnie. Stop being such a p*ssy, huh?

-Hey, Mickey.

-What?

Try to maintain

some Ievel of professionalism.

-What are you talking about?

-The pushing, the name-calling,

-it's not necessary.

-Hey, I'm sorry, Donnie.

See, I thought that we work

for this big crime boss

and we're here

to collect some money for him,

but obviously

we're a couple of Avon Iadies.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

Not everything's black and white.

-I mean, Donnie here's a good guy.

-Get over there.

But this isn't a social call, is it, Donnie?

This is business.

This is nothing personal.

We're here to collect the money

or impose a penalty.

There's no need to add insult to injury,

now, is there?

No.

Joshua, what kind of injury

are we talking about?

So you don't have Vincent's money.

-Well, not all of it.

-Well, how much do you have?

None of it.

Donnie.

You put me in a very bad place.

PIease, have a seat.

-You don't have to do this.

-It's for your own safety.

-What?

-Hold him.

No!

Come on, Joshua.

Can't you tell Vincent I wasn't home?

Tell him I'm out of town on business

or something.

You want me to Iie to Vincent?

Betray his trust because

you can't stay away from the ponies?

I can have the dough next week!

Vincent's been more than patient

with you.

-Now he wants his pound of flesh.

-Hey! Maybe we take his thumbs off.

No, nothing permanent.

What are you talking about?

They can reattach them these days.

Hey, I think I found something.

How about we give him

a Iittle snip-snip Bobbitt?

Yeah, then there'd be two Ioose pricks

in the room.

-That's funny?

-A Iittle bit.

I've got a joke for you,

and it starts Iike this.

That's enough, Mickey.

Grab that stool and prop his Iegs up.

-What?

-Take his shoes off.

-Get your f***ing feet up.

-The socks, too.

Get your feet up here, you f***.

-Why? Don't! Why?

-Shut the f*** up!

-Grab his Iegs.

-What? Why?

Joshua. PIease.

No! PIease! Joshua, please, no!

Don't you find it ironic, Mickey,

that the black culture has become

so influential in this country

that even the Italians

are trying to identify with it?

What the f*** are you talking about?

If your grandfather knew

that you had a Iifetime membership

to the tanning salon...

Tanning salon?

You're out of your f***ing mind.

This is natural. This is my natural color.

Orange.

That's your natural color, orange?

Orange? Do I Iook orange to you?

This is olive.

-Which one? The green or the black?

-The green and the black.

-Who is it?

-It's Joshua.

-Password, please.

-You're a douche! That's the password.

Hey, why the f*** do you...

Come on! Who is it?

-Jeff, it's me, Joshua.

-Bullshit. Joshua knows the password.

Majestic 1 2, Jeff.

"Majestic 1 2, Majestic 1 2."

What a f***ing snatch.

What the f*** is Majestic 1 2?

It's a secret committee

formed in the '40s to investigate UFOs.

-You believe that sh*t?

-There are two kinds of truths, Mickey.

There's the obvious truth.

The sky is blue.

The grass is green. You're a dick.

And then there's the intangible.

The kind that requires one's faith

to be true.

Can't be conclusively proven or refuted.

This is the truth of religion

and conspiracy theories.

My faith in God mandates

that I stay open-minded to all truths.

Otherwise I risk becoming a hypocrite,

and that ain't cool.

Hey. Come in.

-How you doing, buddy?

-Okay.

-Wow. New wallpaper?

-It's aluminum foil.

It's nice. I gotta get the number

of your interior decorator.

Can I get you guys something to drink?

I have triple-filtered water, no fluoride.

Triple-filtered water, huh? Nah.

What was it about Vincent

you wanted to tell me?

You've heard of Frankie Tahoe, right?

-Why don't you tell me about him?

-Hey, Jeff.

Did you really get abducted by aliens?

-Yeah, I was.

-Wow. That's f***ing crazy.

Can you put those down, please?

-These?

-PIease.

-Mickey, put them down.

-Okay.

Thank you.

Okay, Frankie Tahoe

is this Puerto Rican small-time punk.

Drug dealer, right?

And he knows

I'm good friends with Vincent.

AII of a sudden

he starts asking me all kinds of sh*t.

"Where does he Iive?

How many guys he got?" Okay?

But I didn't...

I didn't... I didn't tell him nothing.

I swear to God.

Look what he did to me.

Stop messing with this stuff.

This is cute.

See, now, I'm ignorant

on the whole abduction thing,

you know what I'm saying?

So, is it true that when they bring you up

in their spaceship, that they roll around

your f***ing prostate and your anal?

-They get in there?

-Yeah, that's part of the exam.

Why the f*** would they put it

in your ass? I don't understand.

There's things they want to find out

about us human beings, you know.

-Through your ass?

-Yeah. Body temperature, you know?

Parasites.

I know, I know.

But I'm gonna be there this time.

I will.

Okay. Okay.

You know what I think?

I think that all the aliens

must be f***ing gay

and they just want to shove it right

in your corn, you know what I mean?

They just want to come down here

and abuse humans

and f***ing give it to you

right in your ass. Is that true?

Do you refuse to believe 'cause

you believe this to be impossible?

Or maybe it's just impossible

for your Iimited wit to comprehend.

Excuse me.

You know, that's a good point.

You know, my Iimited wit might...

Might stop me from believing that aliens

don't f*** you in your f***ing ass!

-Now Iisten to me. Listen to me!

-Get off of me.

-Look at me, Iook at me!

-Joshua!

-Get off my...

-F***!

Put your f***ing arms down.

Put your f***ing arms down, now!

-Okay, okay. They're down.

-Okay, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Why didn't you go to Vincent directly?

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