You Instead

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KIM:
Hello, I'm Kim Cox, and this is

Traffic Jam on eoolobby.org.

Today we're coming to you

from T in the Park,

Scotland's biggest

music festival,

with an exclusive

acoustic performance

by U. S. chart toppers, The Make.

Take it away, lads...

TYKO & ADAM:

One, two, three, four.

[GUITAR PLAYING INTRO TO

"YOU INSTEAD"]

He got loved up on the seashore

Kissing with a girl

He'd never met before

The food was sparse

But the drink was plenty

Jack was 16

And Jill had just turned 20

Lying there on the midnight scent

He said he'd give her the sky

If she held his hand

BOTH:
She counted every

star In the sky and said

I don't want that

I want you instead

I don't want that

I want you instead

If you don't rearrange us

If you don't rearrange us

If you don't rearrange us

If you don't rearrange

She got loved down on the seashore

Kissing with a boy

She never met before

The food was sparse

But the booze was plenty

Jill was 16

And Jack had just turned 20

Lying there on the midnight sand

He said he'd give her the sky

If she held his hand

She counted every star

In the sky and said

I don't want that I want you instead

I don't want that I want you instead

I don't want that I want you instead

I don't want that I want you instead

I don't want that I want you instead

I don't want that I want you instead

LUCIE:

Oh, sh*t. Right.

Okay.

The battery's gone flat now.

KIM:
You told me you completely

charged it up, you utter moron.

KIRSTY:
Check out the wee car.

MORELLO:
Hey, do you need a push?

KIRSTY:

Guys?

MORELLO:
Is that The Make?

KIM:
Can you f*** off?

I said can you f*** off?

We're rolling.

J.J.:

What'd she say? She's what?

KIRSTY:

She just gave me the finger.

She's saying

something about rolling.

Rolling over?

J.J.:
Only one thing for it!

ADAM & TYKO:

We won't change

MORELLO:

Are you rolling now?

BOBBY:
Whoa! Hey!

MORELLO:
Bit more.

BOBBY:

Hey! Whoa!

TYKO:

Hey, guys!

Hey, you, Mr. Lady.

Mr. Lady?

Do you want a gigantic

veiny lawsuit up your f***ing ass?

J.J.:

What?

BOBBY:
You almost killed my band.

That is attempted murder.

It's unconventional,

but, hey, I feel welcome.

Hey, man, you all right?

You and your slag blowhole

could be going away for a long time.

ADAM:
Hey, Bobby, we're fine.

Do you understand me?

Our little eco brownie here

has it all on tape.

Can I get the tape, please?

KIM:
No.

BOBBY:
Just give me the tape!

TYKO:
Bobby, breathe.

So you guys are who?

KIRSTY:
The Dirty Pinks.

The Dirty Pinks? Why didn't you

just call yourselves The Vaginae?

BOBBY:
That is nice, actually,

because you are gonna get f***ed.

Whoa. Hey!

ADAM:
What are you doing?

How about I re-tune this guitar

on whoever doesn't piss off?

All right, what's this?

Oi. That was my granddad's.

Take that off.

Sure, when you give me my guitar.

Okay.

KIRSTY:
Smash it, go on.

TYKO:
She's not gonna.

MORELLO:
Give me my jacket!

Give me the guitar.

Put the f***ing guitar down.

PROPHET:
Stop! Stop! Stop!

BOBBY:
Chill the f*** out!

Shame on you people!

If musicians can't get along,

what hope we got?

What hope the planet got?

BOBBY:
Sir, excuse me.

You know what we're gonna do?

TYKO:
Is he with you?

We're gonna pray.

PROPHET:

Everybody take hands.

Come on. Don't be bashful.

Lord, help me and these idiots

to use the gift

you blessed us with

to come together.

Turn to your neighbour and say,

"Man, I love you".

Man, I love you.

Yeah.

Say I love you.

She just tried to break my guitar.

I'm not saying it to her.

He's a tit.

All right, all right, I got a trick.

What you doing?

PROPHET:
I got a real good trick.

TYKO:
This guy's a wizard.

What are you doing?

Magic. Magic for musicians.

ADAM:
Sir.

MORELLO:
Now what?

ADAM:

Can we get the key?

Together.

This guy's good.

He's joking, right?

BOBBY:
You got keys?

PROPHET:
Let's go.

MORELLO:
Where's he going?

ADAM:
Okay, he's not

joking No, no, no, no, no!

BOBBY:
Hey, Adam!

ADAM:
Bobby!

MORELLO:
No!

ADAM:
Stop that man!

MORELLO:

Stop that buggy!

Stop the buggy!

Ow! Ow! Can you get it off?

Stop that buggy!

Come back!

Where did he go?

BOTH:

Ow!

MORELLO:

F***'s sake!

SINGER:
Can you lot make

some f***ing noise?

[PLAYING HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Where are they?

Where have they gone?

Where have they gone?

They'll be in here.

Can't keep Tyko

from the hospitality.

SECURITY:

Can I see your passes, please?

ADAM:
All right.

Ow! That really hurt.

ADAM:
Come on.

Thank you.

Can you be aware you are

attached to me, unfortunately?

Can you just be nice? Yeah? No?

No. Ignoring me, wicked.

I don't mind talking to myself.

TYKO:
Beautiful. Cheryl? Is that with a Y?

BOBBY:
This is a major festival site.

KIRSTY:
Oh, my God.

J.J.:
Where have you been?

KIRSTY:

We are on in three hours, guys.

Excuse me. Hi. Is there

an events assistant anywhere?

I got you a beer.

Thanks.

ADAM:
Can I get a beer, please?

MORELLO:
Can you get me one?

That is the funniest thing

I've seen all week.

Apart from the chicken lady,

but she was ill. You can't laugh.

Bolt cutters, anything.

Give me the site manager's number.

ADAM:
Will you stop laughing?

Take it easy.

ADAM:

It's not that funny.

[J.J. SIGHS]

I'll have to sit next to you.

ADAM:
I guess you will.

MORELLO:
Yep.

ADAM:
Lucky you.

So I'm Adam.

What's that? "I'm Monkey Girl.

I'm in the world's worst band".

Ow! I am now.

As far as I can see,

The Make only need their right hands.

Whereas you just need

your fists, right?

Simmer down, boy band.

"Boy band".

[HUMMING]

What? I don't...

What are you doing?

Where's your manager?

ADAM:
Sorting it out.

Relax. He's taking care of business.

Thanks.

Sure. Hello again.

[IMITATES A MONKEY]

Bollocks, I'm gonna sort this out.

I'm waiting for Bob.

MORELLO:
Get up!

ADAM:
What the f*** are you doing?

MORELLO:
Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna sort this out.

There's gotta be police.

KIRSTY:
We have three hours, though.

I don't trust his manager.

[PALOMA FAITH'S "UPSIDE DOWN"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

BOTH:

Eco Lobby.

Harder.

Harder! More!

Ah!

Sh*t.

Dynamite's not gonna send

a wood chisel through that.

Here's what you need.

You get a big cold chisel

drop a sledgehammer on it,

you're sorted, man.

Where do we get a cold chisel?

Any blacksmith's.

Moron!

Hey, hey, hey.

Can't hear you!

ADAM:
Help us out.

Can you look for some bolt cutters?

I'll be back in a bit. Thank you.

PALOMA:

That I'm no fool, fool, fool, fool

I'm just upside down

Ain't got no cares

I ain't got no rules

I think I like

Living upside down

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

ALL:

Eco Lobby!

We just need a set of bolt cutters.

There's a camping shop.

No, look, this is hardened steel.

We need an industrial-strength tool.

I think I've found one.

Oh, ho, ho.

Really?

A comedian.

ADAM:

Get your hands off me, man.

CREW:
Go to Artist Liaisons,

maybe then can help you.

What's wrong with you?

Why would Artists Liaisons

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