You Instead Page #2

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have cutters?

Thank you, T in the Park!

[CROWD CHEERS]

SINGER:

Are you having a good time?

MORELLO:
Harder.

ADAM:
It's too big. I can't get it in.

LAKE:

Adam?

Don't tell me

this is not what it looks like.

ADAM:
What does it look like?

Oh, no.

Like you're handcuffed

to some girl.

Some crazy dude handcuffed us

while we were praying.

I don't know. It's f***ed.

He said he was single.

LAKE:
What?

Yeah, what?

Said he'd just split from some model

that didn't get him.

Hi. I'm Morello.

You come with me, mister.

Uh. Ow, baby, wait.

Hello again. Yep.

Okay, get these off now.

We're trying.

Where's the key?

If we had a key...

Let's use your catwalk-honed intellect

to break free.

Who is this?

She is this total stranger.

She is incredibly awful.

And promiscuous.

Be..

Baby, wait up.

Ow!

Can you just walk

like a normal person?

You don't have to be like this.

I want no part

of this Malibu Barbie hellscape.

That's it. I'm done.

Come on. Ow!

Ow! Damn, that hurt.

You're gonna have to hold my hand.

All right, you know what?

Baby, where are you gonna be?

Kasabian are about to play

the main stage.

So why are you walking towards it?

Are you holding hands?

Babe, let go.

I will pay you 100

to watch Kasabian.

What?

I'm just trying to work it out.

Just call me when you're single.

Baby. All right, fine.

I'll find you, all right?

Nice girl.

Nice work.

[EDITORS' "PAPILLON"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, man.

All right, mate?

You get rid of that bloody gorgon?

Hey, I'm right...

[BRUCE CHUCKLES]

No luck with the bolt cutters?

I thought you were looking.

I'll sort you out first thing.

We gotta solve this now.

BRUCE:
I'm busy.

Gotta have something.

MARK:
Hey, beautiful.

ADAM:
She's got a gig to play.

MORELLO:

OW! Sh*t!

Jesus Christ.

It's Adam Elva you're handcuffed to.

Hi, man. I'm Mark.

Good to meet you.

Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

Excuse me. Hello!

So, what happened?

I'm sorry about this, man.

For what?

What? Nothing. I don't know. What?

Yeah, that's right.

Nothing happened.

You're trying

to make me jealous because?

Because. I don't know.

Because I'm a dick. Sony, man.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't worry. We'll find a way out.

Leave it with me.

We're gonna figure it out.

MORELLO:
I have an

appointment with my band.

MARK:
It's just a pair of handcuffs.

MORELLO:
I know. I know.

MARK:

Relax. Relax.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

NEWTON:
Now, your motivation to sing along

with this particular piece of music

is that we are all pirates

with rabies!

[NEWTON FAULKNER'S "GONE IN THE

MORNING" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

That is right, ladies and gentlemen.

Pirates with rabies.

Could you do just one more, please?

Eco Lobby.

NEWTON:

And we are 60 feet from shore.

Now, on the shore

are our arch nemeses,

the barbarian hordes.

And we are now 50 feet

away from them.

Fifty feet from battle

and almost certain death.

We are now 40 feet, 40 feet from

battle and almost certain death.

We are now 30 feet from battle

and almost certain death.

We are now 10 feet.

Nine feet!

Eight feet!

Six feet!

Five f ricking feet!

So let's dance some more.

Four, three! Before they're:

ALL:

Gone in the morning

I wanna know

Why they're gone in the morning

I wanna know

Why they're gone in the morning

I wanna know

Why they're gone in the morning

Before they're gone in the morning

I wanna know

Why they're gone in the morning

LUCIE:

Kim, it's The Prodigy.

KIM:
Just say the name, Eco Lobby,

promoting our charity

and if you can just

lunge towards lens.

You just need pbbt.

KIM:
Yeah, just bang, like that.

Right. I'm Tyko from The Make.

No, she's gonna give it to me.

Okay, cool.

KIM:
You know how to lunge?

Hey, Danny! All right, man.

KIM:
Do you know...?

That's Danny. He died last year.

Anyway, I'm ready.

Okay. On the count of three.

I'm gonna lunge towards you

at the same time. So we did...

When you're ready.

I'll go "One, two, three".

Okay. One, two, three.

I'm just doing this thing.

Hi, I'm Tyko from The Make.

You're watching Eco Lobby. Check it.

Thank you. Great.

Can you just hold that?

What is Eco Lobby?

You went on the website?

I gave you the website address.

Let's pretend I didn't.

Okay. I'll explain to you.

Do you know how much it costs

to buy an American senator?

I do not.

Hundred thousand dollars, tops.

They'll vote for your tax cut,

construction program.

Whatever you want.

Look it up on the Internet.

For 5 million U.S. dollars

we could pass

a billion-dollar

clean-energy program.

Wow, that's cool.

Hi. We're in the middle

of an interview.

Quick question. Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

So you raise money

to give to politicians?

It's what all the big businesses do,

so why the bloody hell can't we?

Makes you sound simple.

Really?

Kirsty:
Yes.

You nailed it today, man,

but you always do.

Seriously, it was cool.

The boys loved it.

Oh, well, thanks.

You happy?

You happy with management?

Yeah, I think so.

Because horrible manager, I heard.

Because any time.

My dad's been managing me for

the last... Since the beginning, really.

How is he? Is he cool?

Yeah, no, he's very well.

Keeps well. Cool.

Yeah, no, he's very good.

Listen, I gotta shoot,

but there's a card.

Cool. Excellent. Tasteful

Think over.

Thanks. Check you later.

Take care.

Take care, Newton. Cool.

[CHATTERING]

Yeah, but that'd be weird.

ADAM:

There you are.

Hey, man.

I heard about this.

Brought the old

ball and chain, what?

Who you calling a ball, dick?

Yeah, be nice to my orangutan.

Adam.

Stop it, Adam.

Yeah, stop it, Adam.

Lake, this is Mike,

Morello's boyfriend.

Mark.

Mark. Big fan. Ha-ha.

Is that a joke?

No, no, no. You were my screensaver.

Ha, ha, ha.

Are you like a team of stalkers?

Is this what you do?

Mainly I bank.

So you're a banker, eh?

Yeah.

When did you first realize

you were a banker?

So, Lake,

how do you know each other?

We met at rehab.

MORELLO:
Yeah, right.

He's obviously slung one up her.

MARK:

Morello.

I'm gonna leave you

with these lovely people.

See you later.

Okay.

MARK:

Brilliant.

MORELLO:

You can't be angry at me for that.

MARK:
How many people

are you gonna offend?

I'm fine Are you okay?

What's the matter with you?

Let's not fight.

You know he was gonna be here?

No. I ran into him.

I'm on in 45 minutes.

There has to be a solution.

Why don't you put it on Facebook

or something?

Twitter's so much better

than Facebook.

Catwalk-honed.

How many followers do you have?

Ten thousand.

Three hundred thousand.

Nine hundred thousand.

You do not.

Isn't that the best way

to ask a lot of people for help?

Well, not the best.

TECHNICIAN:
Yeah, yeah.

One, two. Yeah. Two, yeah.

Go on!

Go on!

Hello, everybody. I'm really sorry

to barge in on you like this.

Someone bet me

that a woman like me

could never become attached

to a man with a tiny penis.

Yeah!

MORELLO:
I was massively tricked.

Oh, look.

It's Adam Elva from The Make.

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