Young Doctors In Love Page #2

Are you my doctor?

Yeah, my uniform's in the laundry.

Hello, hospital?

Yes, there's an empty room now.

- You can send up Mr. Bonafetti.

- You're always on the phone.

It's amazing. There is a room.

It's a miracle.

Excuse me.

How long has he been like this?

Since the war. Who gives a damn?

Have you seen Valerie or Bunny,

those girls in the red striped dress?

- We're over here, Miss Chang.

- We're over here.

Nurse Sprockett is looking for you.

Here's what he said.

Now don't read it out loud.

"I'm gonna suck...

"And then I'll...

"...your brains out."

A sick, perverted human being.

He ought to be hung up by his things.

Nurse Chang.

Get this woman a place to lie down

until she's ready to go home.

Thank you.

Just wait till I tell you

what happened to me on the bus.

Officer, thank you.

These are neat.

Are you a waitress?

No. I'm a prostitute.

I just wear these to turn on the guys.

How far along is she?

Well, she doesn't know exactly,

but she's huge.

All right, young lady, you'll have

a beautiful baby in no time.

I don't think so, Doctor.

What? What are you talking about?

Hysterical pregnancy.

She wants a straight life so badly,

she's convinced herself she's pregnant.

Doctor, this girl is in heavy labor.

It's just not so, Doctor.

Get out.

Thank you, Doctor.

- What happened? Was that a balloon?

- Next.

Poor kid.

I never knew it was possible

for a medical doctor to be so unfeeling.

It sounds to me

like you're falling in love with him.

- How old are you?

- Seventeen.

I'm 27.

Hold me, like you held that duck.

We're gonna take good

care of your dad. Okay?

Yeah, that's nice of you.

You don't have to worry

your pretty face about it.

Dr. Pepper, please report

to the Diabetes Ward at once.

Sal? Is that you?

It is you.

Got yourself a big private room, huh?

All alone.

That's nice.

I got a little something for you.

A goodbye kiss from the Gallentino family.

The Gallentino family

always kisses on the nose.

Not in my hospital.

What did you put up there?

Move and you'll be shitting glass for a week.

Thank you, ladies.

What's your name?

- Malamud.

- Where are your records?

I don't know, I lost them.

Well, I'll find them. What's wrong with you?

I'm sick, okay?

You sure are, pal.

And so, without further fuss,

I give you the ever-diligent...

Dr. Oliver Ludwig.

- Doctors.

- Hello.

Welcome.

Here in Pathology, we consult the dead...

and ask them how we may cure the living.

Here we interpret the messages

the body sends us.

Messages found in substances...

the uninformed find disgusting.

They are not disgusting, they are beautiful.

They are the literature of pathology.

The human being emits, oozes, secretes...

excretes, salivates, urinates,

menstruates, lactates...

evacuates, expectorates...

and ejaculates.

You left out regurgitates.

Don't help me, Kurtzman.

Now, there are more than

twenty vital bodily fluids.

And I'm proud to say that I have

tasted every one of them.

This urine, for example.

What will it tell us?

Definite sugar taste.

Now I don't need a battery of tests

to tell me...

that the patient has a slight

pre-diabetic condition.

Doctor, will you confirm my findings?

No, thank you, I'm trying to cut down.

That's an order, Doctor.

I know my limit.

No sugar.

No sugar taste, the doctor says.

Just my little way of showing you that...

there's something far more important

to the pathologist than taste.

That is the power of observation.

If you had been observing, Doctor,

you would have seen that I put...

this finger in the urine,

but I put this finger in my mouth.

Lesson number one, Doctor.

Yes, but if you had

tasted the specimen, Doctor...

you would have noticed

a dangerously high level of fractoids.

This patient has pituitary thrombosis.

Well, let me see that.

Tastes like plain old piss to me, Doctor.

With a slight metallic flavor,

indicating a high level of zinc.

Doctor, here, you try.

No, wait. Just a minute.

I didn't really taste the urine.

I was just kidding.

You what?

I did the same thing he did.

I switched fingers. I thought it was obvious.

Can I have a word with you, Doctor?

You might have made a fool

out of some of my colleagues...

but you'll have to get up early

to put one over...

on Dr. Oliver Wendell Ludwig.

Now you look at this face, what do you see?

I see alcohol poisoning...

and prosiasis in the tertiary stage.

Get out.

- Out! All of you!

- I think we've been dismissed.

Get out, every one of you.

- What did I say?

- Come on.

Where's the little guy?

What are you doing tonight, Simon?

I thought I might learn some of this stuff.

Drop out? You okay, man?

Who is in charge of pills and drugs

here at this hospital?

Nurse Sprockett.

Do you think she can get me

some speed or some uppers?

I guess she might, if she likes you enough.

She likes me?

You won't believe the note

that she gave me. Read that.

You know, some of these words have never

been said in the State of Wisconsin.

She's an animal.

Hi, remember me?

I'm the doctor you saw

when you were first admitted.

I'm sorry. Walter Rist.

Anyway...

Yes, I know, and I'm sorry.

But it was the only bed available.

And I knew you'd prefer it

to the Mental Ward.

Okay, I'm gonna give it to you straight.

You're paralyzed with fear.

But then again,

maybe you already knew that.

You're safe here. Nobody can harm you.

I promise you that.

In them old cotton fields back home

Well, it was down in Louisiana

just about a mile from Texarkana

In them old cotton fields back home

Where do you want me to lick you first?

When them cotton balls get rotten

You can't pick very much cotton

- I'm glad you asked me out, Stephanie.

- You fascinate me, Simon.

I've never been out

with such an insensitive genius.

Thank you. Now, tell me

all about Burnaby Mountain.

It's where I live. It's in Vermont.

My father was the only doctor.

He used to work 24 hours...

and half the time

people couldn't even pay him.

They used to give him chickens

and stuff like that.

Anyway...

when he died, everybody knew

that he wanted me to be a doctor.

So they took up a collection

to send me to medical school...

to return to Burnaby Mountain...

to take up where my dad left off.

They're all praying for me, Simon,

the whole town.

They paid him with chickens?

Why would anyone

practice in a silly place like that?

Stephanie? What did I say?

Stephanie.

Stephanie, what is it?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

You, get your hand out of there.

- Check, please.

- I had two salads.

Curtain time. Good morning, Sal.

Here's your breakfast.

Stop fooling around.

Now get back in that bed.

Today's your lucky day.

- What day?

- Your surgery day.

We found your records.

What surgery? What records?

I ain't getting no surgery.

What are you doing to me?

Now, Mr. M. Callahan.

Who's Callahan?

- Malamud Callahan.

- What?

Now, lots of people lead

perfectly normal lives with only one kidney.

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