Young Ideas Page #5

Tickets.

Tickets, please.

All the way

to Philadelphia, sir?

No, on the contrary,

I'm getting out the next stop.

If you're looking for

the professor, he's fled.

He went off to Philadelphia

on some kind of an orgy.

I'm Professor Kingsley.

Well, glad to meet you,

professor.

- I'm Adam Trent, Jo's agent.

- How do you do?

- What happened to your party?

- It was not a party.

A meeting of the Society

of American Chemists

and I didn't go

because something else came up.

Anything serious?

I hope not.

You in town long?

- Week, two weeks, three weeks.

- Where are you staying?

Right down the hall from you,

they fixed me up in your study.

Oh, where's Mrs. Kingsley?

Jo? Uh, upstairs.

Getting ready to go out.

Didn't think he'd give up

those chemists for anything.

Hello, Michael.

Wise move, Michael.

Extremely wise move.

You're just in time

for the reunion party.

Where are you going?

The movies are on Wednesday's

and Saturday nights.

Is he kidding?

We're going to a joint

called The Pink Tiger.

That road house,

it's out of bounds.

Sounds well.

I can't be seen there.

Matter of fact,

neither can you.

We've been there before.

One more appearance won't hurt.

Get your hat, Adam.

- Uh, Michael.

- Hm.

Come this side.

Whole thing,

I think I gotta tell you.

You're not handling

this right, Michael.

Jo!

Oh, you look

out of this world.

[Jo chuckles]

How much are you gonna take

from that wolf?

- The what?

- That wolf. That home wrecker.

(Jo)

Michael.

Oh, what happened?

Something came up. I'll tell you

all about it later.

But I'm awfully glad

you're back.

Jo. What do you say, professor,

you're coming?

Or you gonna stay in

with your homework?

[jazz music]

[music continues]

Don't they injure themselves?

I'm afraid your

boyfriend's a square.

Oh, my! Mr. Kingsley.

Not mine!

Babush!

- Party?

- Lead on.

Let's dance, Jo.

Plenty of room.

You remember magazine

called Topics?

Do I? It broke my heart

when it folded.

It's being revived

and I need an editor in chief.

Adam, that's not

the job you mentioned.

- And it's for a big dollar.

- You know, I can't take it.

Oh, don't neglect it in such

short notice, think it over.

They dance well together,

don't they?

They've had

so much practice.

I don't see

what's so good about it.

Adam.

No, let's not talk about it.

Now, just think about it.

Jo.

Just like old times,

we were terrific, weren't we?

Don't mind Adam,

he is insufferably good

at little things, like dancing

and ordering wine.

Just give him something trivial

enough and he'll excel at it.

Something to drink, folks?

Sarsaparilla, sarsaparilla,

scotch and wine water.

Not for me.

I don't drink.

It's probably well,

drinking is one of the things

I excel at, not that

drinking is trivial.

I didn't know,

when you asked me to drink

that you were trying

to start a competition.

Oh, of course, wasn't I?

I just meant, you might absent

mindedly start drinking

drink for drink with me and end

up on to the band stand.

I guess, you've just made

a ridiculous statement.

How...how much do you weigh?

There's 112 pounds

of that is water.

What proof is the

liquor you drink?

Scotch 86.6.

Can you tell,

if that is full strength?

Well, naturally.

That's full strength, alright.

Just give me the..

Thanks.

You're wrong.

It's 63 proof.

Must be diluted.

Wrong bottle, I guess.

It won't happen again.

You see, he's a useful man

to have around.

Your blood pressure?

- Normal.

- Normal.

[murmuring]

Yes, yes.

Speaking not just ideally, but

scientifically I can tell you

we would oxidize,

you and I

the same number of milligrams

of alcohol per minute.

'The amount of scotch

you could consume'

could not possibly exceed what

I could consume by more than..

...three ounces.

Look, but probably,

you don't realize it

but that's like claiming

to be Napoleon.

Your opinion is hardly

an answer to scientific proof.

Would you like to back up

this childish theory?

I certainly would.

(Adam)

'Waiter, a bottle of scotch.'

I've had a couple of drinks.

That'll allow

for the three ounces variation.

But Michael, you're not an

experienced drinker like Adam.

Experience or no experience,

I'm gonna prove to you

that I'm right and he's wrong.

[Jeff whistling]

We will drink in a proximity

of two ounce portions

five minutes apart.

To science.

[coughing]

[orchestral music]

Hold the tiger

Hold the tiger

Hold the tiger

Hold the tiger

Hold the tiger

[people applauding]

[laughing hysterically]

Uh, what's the joke?

I'm laughing because I won.

I'm exactly sober as he is.

It's not that obvious to me,

Michael.

Why not. I can tell.

Why can't you?

A-a-are you sure

you didn't forget

to figure in something, Michael?

Uh, your liver maybe.

My liver's as big as

his was any day.

Of course, it is, darling.

Even bigger, maybe.

Tomorrow morning you'll have

a bigger head too.

Why don't you concede you've

had enough and let's go home.

She's saying that because she

knows I wanna play bull fiddle.

When a man wants

to play bull fiddle.

Who told you I wanted to play

the bull fiddle?

That's my secret.

Michael, there's one way

you can prove your point.

And that is by walking

a straight line.

I shall be delighted.

Uh, thank you, miss.

And you know where the straight

line leads, home.

[orchestral music]

Out of little toot,

eh, professor?

I'm not on a little toot.

I'm devoting the evening

to science.

I wish I had half the science

in me, you have.

Jo!

[orchestral music]

Jo!

- 'Are you ready?'

- All set.

[drum roll]

How'd you like this, big liver?

[people applauding]

That'll teach you to tango

with a man of science.

[everyone laughing]

Where did we leave off?

You were discussing C2H6O.

C2H6O.

You know what that is,

professor?

It's the symbol

for pure alcohol.

[all laugh]

'Will, uh..'

Will the class come to order?

The reason for analyzing C2H6O

is to combine with hydrogen

it forms ether.

A highly useful agent.

Now, will you please, uh,

copy these symbols

I-m-I'm going to put

on the blackboard.

I saw it with my own eyes.

That is a slanderous lie.

Not Kingsley.

If you don't believe me,

watch this.

[laughing]

Hey, Su.

What's the matter?

I can't take much more of this.

We're destroying that poor guy.

Not just his marriage

but his career too.

Well, the end

justifies the means.

- I'm not so sure anymore.

- Oh, look.

The way we're going,

we'll be in New York

in a couple of weeks.

Well, that's another thing

I want to talk to you about.

Whatever happens, I'm not

going back to New York

until the semester's over.

Oh, look, little one, you and I,

better have a nice long talk.

I haven't time. I promised Tom,

I'd drop by with notes.

That's why you don't want

to go to New York?

- That dope playwright.

- He's not a dope.

And he's not a playwright.

However, you'll get

your perspective back

when you get away from this

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