Your Friend the Rat

Hello, I'm Remy,

and this is my brother, Emile.

-Hi.

-We're here to speak out on behalf

-of oppressed rats everywhere.

-Oh, man.

Rats who don't have the access

to media that our movie affords us.

-We're speaking out?

-Yes, we have to.

We rats need to take a stand.

You said we'd sing something.

You know, joke around.

You did not say

we were gonna take a stand.

This is important. Humans need

to know. Humans need to...

Feed us. That's what you need to do.

Leave some garbage out

and we won't bother you.

Just leave the lid

on top of the can loose...

REMY:
All right, all right, moving on.

This is a man.

Hello.

A dog, man's best friend,

looks up to man.

A cat looks down on man.

We rats see ourselves as equal to man,

but you humans don't seem

to see it that way.

So it's been war, a war without end!

(SCREAMS)

REMY:
But this has

not always been true.

EMILE:
When has it not?

REMY:
In India, the rat

is the chosen mode of conveyance

for the Hindu god, Ganesh,

and thus, sacred.

During the Roman Empire,

it was said to be good luck

to have a white rat cross your path.

Not so good if a black rat crossed it.

Rattus rattus, the black rat,

arrived in the West first,

hitching a ride

with the returning Crusaders.

In Europe, finding plenty of filth, grain,

filth, and...

EMILE:
Don't forget filth.

REMY:
And more filth to eat,

the black rat quickly prospered.

Wait, wait, this is all wrong.

This isn't how we rehearsed it.

DIRECTOR:
What, what's the problem?

REMY:
It doesn't go from rats

and darkness to rats and death skulls.

DIRECTOR:
Well, my script says rats

and death skulls.

REMY:
You forgot the flea!

Rats didn't cause the plague,

the flea caused the plague.

-The flea is the whole point!

-DIRECTOR:
Just give him the flea.

-I'm in need of your assis...

-REMY:
No, not that one.

REMY:
There it is.

EMILE:
Oh, that's disgus...

REMY:
Xenopsylla cheopis, the rat flea.

See, this guy here gave the plague

to this guy here, a rat,

killing the rat.

Once the flea senses the cold,

dead rat,

it prefers to find a warm, live rat.

But, if a human happens

to come along, well...

From 1347 to 1352, the plague,

or Black Death, killed a third

of the population

of 14th century Europe,

and just as many, if not more, rats.

EMILE:
So, so what

stopped the plague?

REMY:
No one really knows.

Maybe soap, closed sewers,

a change in temperature.

Or some believe, this guy,

rattus norvegicus,

the brown rat,

better known as the Norway rat.

(SPEAKING IN NORWEGIAN)

EMILE:
That's us, right?

REMY:
Right.

The Norway rat came from China,

and according to mythology,

brought the gift of rice to man.

EMILE:
Wait, wait.

The Norway rat came from China?

REMY:
Yes, the rat even

holds the place of honor

as the first year of the Chinese zodiac,

a symbol of good luck, wealth,

intelligence, charm, charisma,

ambition, adaptability, versatility...

Shall I go on?

EMILE:
You're not making any sense.

We came from China,

-but we're called Norway rats?

-REMY:
I'm getting to that.

British naturalist, John Berkenhour,

named us Norway rats,

believing we had come to England

on a Norwegian boat.

The silly thing is, the brown rat

didn't live in Norway at the time,

more than likely, we came from

Denmark, but the name just stuck.

EMILE:
Wait,

now we're from Denmark?

REMY:
Let it go.

Kicked out of Europe

by his brawnier cousin,

the black rat joined explorers

and colonists seeking opportunity,

and some elbow room,

across the globe.

It wasn't until 1775 that the first

Norway rats arrived in America,

much to the chagrin

of the established black rats.

(GUNS FIRING)

(SLAPPING)

(THUD)

Adaptable like humans,

Norway rats live throughout the world,

except the North Pole and South Pole.

EMILE:
What about that spot?

REMY:
That's Alberta, Canada.

In 1950, rats invaded

on the southeast border of Alberta,

but were repelled by an impressive

government rat control program.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)

(EXPLOSION)

Our societies are intertwined,

a symbiotic relationship

of give and take.

-You give us your trash, and we...

-EMILE:
Take it, then eat it.

-I don't understand it, myself.

-Can we sing the song now?

-No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop.

-We'll follow you to Mar...

Now, "Why Rats Are Cool."

-Every day, rats eat ten...

-Hey, wait.

You said I could do this part.

(EMILE CLEARING THROAT)

It's a little something I'm calling,

"What's Cool About Rats."

Every day rats eat 10 percent

of our bodyweight.

Gotta love that.

Our favorite foods are scrambled eggs,

macaroni and cheese, white bread.

I'm getting hungry.

Our teeth can cut through solid wood,

lead pipe,

(GROANING)

cinder blocks,

(JACKHAMMER HAMMERING)

even steel,

(BLOWTORCH)

with a biting force

of 24,000 pounds per square inch.

(WHIMPERING)

A rat can swim for three days,

and yes, we can enter your home

through the toilet.

(EMILE SCREAMING)

Very flexible, we can squeeze through

any hole we can get our head into.

One pair of rats can have

15,000 descendants in a year.

That may not sound good to you,

but it's good for us,

since the world is out to get us.

Whoa!

On Eniwetok Atoll, atomic bombs

were tested for ten years,

but we rats survived,

and suffered no ill effects

from the massive radiation.

(SQUEAKING)

Some people have pet rats,

called fancy rats.

-Why are they called fancy rats?

-REMY:
Keep going.

Okay. Jack Black, royal rat catcher

to Queen Victoria,

liked to keep

some of the rats he caught as pets.

These he would give

to the fancy people of the day.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I remember now.

Many, many rats

have dedicated their lives

investigating humanity's

most dreaded diseases.

How is this possible?

Well, we share a similar biology.

We grow old the same way.

Treatments can be tested

in a rat's lifespan of a year or two

that would take 70 years in a human.

Rats have even been to space,

teaching people about how

the body adapts to weightlessness.

So, as you can see,

we've been together

since the dawn of time,

and we'll be together far into the future.

Key of G, fellas, and swing it.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

We'll follow you to Mars

Or wherever you people go

We rats are right there down below

We've traveled near and far

With swamis, geishas, thugs and czars

In planes, and boats, and submarines

We've sailed from Liverpool to Queens

We're even in Qatar

Or wherever you people go

We all adore Franois Truffaut

Abandon musophobia

And embrace a new utopia

Butterflies and puppy dogs

Summer evenings, crispy frogs

Imagine if you will a world

Where women, rats

And men, and children

Live in peace and harmony

We're even holding hands

We're dancing through the streets

and singing cabaret songs

Oh-la-la-la, join with us

We'll make a human ratty wonderland

We'll help you tie your shoes

When you don't feel like bending over

And perhaps you'll take that trap

From out behind the pantry door

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