Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession Page #10

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My producer, Rob Houwer,

said, you know...

"Well, what about this nice guy

that he used...

"in " Floris" you know?

"Yeah, he's a nice guy,

and he seems sympathetic.

"Why don't you test him?"

I said, " You know,

he's more a farmer."

And he was like...

he was like that.

And he said,

"Yeah, but you never know.

"You have to test him."

And so I tested everybody...

and at the end,

I tested Rutger Hauer, too...

and then I realized...

that Rutger Hauer

is phenomenal, you know...

that it was absolutely... l...

that I couldn't

have been more wrong...

in thinking that

he couldn't do it.

We cast it with Rutger Hauer...

and that was, of course, for

everybody that knew the book...

was like, " Are you an idiot?

You know, " How can you do

this wonderful character...

"of Eric," he's called,

"that is so beautiful...

"and has all these feelings

for this woman?"

So I was right. I was right.

I've been right

a couple of times.

I've been wrong

many times, you know.

The fact that I immigrated

to the United States in '85...

had to do not only with the fact

that I got a job here...

but with the fact

that people got me the job...

because they knew my work...

and they knew it

because of Z Channel.

Is there anything else

you would have liked...

to have done with your life...

than what you're doing

at the moment?

Oh, there's a million things.

Be president,

run a major studio.

More than anything, though,

I think I would like...

to have been able to play

professional football...

throw passes, be a quarterback.

A lot of things like that.

Jerry felt excited

about what he was doing.

He'd be excited

about a new deal.

He'd be excited about being able

to announce a Warner's deal...

or something

along those lines...

but at the same time, I always

felt that Jerry felt beaten.

I think he felt he was

fighting that uphill battle.

The whole time or just later?

I think the whole time.

I always felt that way

with Jerry.

You know, when you were

a friend of Jerry's...

you were kind of immersed

in his whole being...

his whole life...

and that was, you know...

that was quite a lot of stuff.

When Deri suggested marriage,

Jerry said...

"I've got to...

I'll be honest with you.

"I don't want children.

"I mean, if you're

OK with that...

"then we can...

then we can talk...

"but you just need

to know that...

"before you get your hopes up."

Jerry was so hurt by his family,

it was difficult...

for him to get married,

and when he did get married...

initially inconceivable

to have children...

so much so that

he had had a vasectomy.

He certainly did give me

the outlines...

of a very, very

dysfunctional family life.

Very tormented.

His father was a judge, who

at some point in his career...

had sent more people to death

in the county...

of whatever Bakersfield County

is than any other judge.

I mean, this was

a family full...

of pain and darkness

and strangeness.

Jerry's father was a

fundamentalist Catholic...

someone who was so much

a traditionalist...

so hidebound that he wasn't

even close to his family.

You know, when his own daughter

was coming to him...

in a suicidal state,

he slammed the door in her face.

From what Jerry said,

Jerry's father was a drunk...

rather sadistic

towards his kids.

Jerry didn't really have

a lot of nice things to say.

He would tell stories

about his father coming in...

and throwing water on him

to wake him up in the morning...

and there were no specifics...

specific references...

to specific abuse

or anything else...

but it was something he really

didn't talk about that much.

He expressed actually

more active, active anger...

toward his mother.

She was a extremely

monotone person.

I never saw her angry.

I never saw her cry.

I never saw her really

laugh that much.

It was like she was almost

in a drug state.

Maybe she was shut off

emotionally...

because she had done things

and not been there for them...

or allowed abuse

to happen to them.

We'll never know.

He told me that he had

another sister...

that the family really did not

know what had happened to...

but had come to the feeling

that she had committed suicide.

Jerry never really made that

big of a point about it...

except that

Mary had disappeared...

and he kind of just said that

as a toss-away line...

and that's all

he would refer to it.

It's the only way

he would refer to it.

He had told me stories

of struggling with depression...

and what he sort of identified

as evil thoughts...

and dark thoughts

when he was growing up.

Jerry was always volatile.

He always had

a very bad temper...

but he didn't drink until

in the late seventies...

when he started drinking.

When Jerry drank,

he was dangerous.

I can remember once in Rome...

we were all having a great time,

we were drinking...

and I made the comment,

"God created whiskey...

"to keep the Irish

from ruling the world."

And Jerry took a cigarette...

and flicked it right

at my face...

from across the table

and hit me in the eye.

Fortunately I wear glasses.

We both looked for him

for a therapist...

and found this doctor

that he went to...

that we were really

excited about.

He was smart,

he was as smart as Jerry...

he could challenge him...

and it started out to be

a really good thing...

and Jerry really looked

forward to it...

because he could talk

to somebody.

He found somebody that could

really challenge him...

and talk to him.

Unfortunately along the way,

it fell into other traps...

and I don't think in the end

it was such a good thing.

I didn't live in fear.

I mean, the day I was afraid,

it was over.

The day I got afraid

and something happened...

to make me afraid,

we weren't together anymore.

I just had this really

bad feeling...

and I tried to call the house...

because he should have

been there...

and he didn't answer

the phone...

and I just had a bad feeling,

so I got in my car...

and I drove back to the house.

And I came in, and he had taken

a lot of pills...

and he was waving a gun...

that was the gun that

Sam Peckinpah had given him...

and I just went to look

for his doctor's phone number...

because I just thought,

"This is, like...

"something terrible

is happening here."

And when I came back,

he held the gun on me.

And basically, in one form

or another, you know...

had the gun at my head

and in my mouth...

and up against my head

for the next 3 or 4 hours.

He had called the doctor before

and left him a message...

that he was in trouble.

So he had reached out already.

The doctor had arranged to come

and take him to the hospital...

and it was basically from that

moment we were never together.

I didn't see Jerry for 7 years

while he was married to Vera.

When Vera and Jerry started

to break up...

I guess I was

the first phone call...

And Jerry showed back up

in my life, and it was...

it was like the thing

I had dreamed of...

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