Zootopia

FADE IN:

EXT. RABBITON, USA

YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN is starring in an elementary school production of “How to Exposit the Premise of Your Entire Universe Without Really Trying”.

CGI YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Many years ago, predator animals had a nasty habit of killing and devouring us prey animals, which kind of prevented us from getting along. But we were able to get past all that once predators adapted to, I dunno, absorb nutrients from the atmosphere or something?

(shrugs)

So since then we’ve had an alternate evolutionary history where we were the ones to develop human intellect, language and technology. We even had the foresight to develop the opposable digits necessary to use that technology, instead of bumbling around trying to work stuff with our mouths like certain Good Dinosaurs we could name.

(snorts)

Anyway, in this advanced animal civilization, it’s my dream to grow up to be a police officer!

CGI A**HOLE FOX KID

Hur hur, a rabbit cop? Don’t you go gettin’ ideas above yer station, you uppity lagomoron!

CGI YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN

That’s the kind of bigoted thinking civilization needs to rise above! Animals should be judged not by the diet of their species, but by the content of their character! #bunnylivesmatter

(pause)

Oh. So that’s what kind of movie this is.

CGI A**HOLE FOX KID

Yup! And just to remove any lingerin’ threat of subtlety, they’ve given me the only redneck accent in town, a-HYUCK! Or in other words, we’re protestin’ ethnic stereotypes by usin’ a whole ’nother ethnic stereotype.

CGI YOUNG BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Speaking of annoying one-dimensional cartoons: to the police academy!

EXT. POLICE ACADEMY

Years later, BUNNIFER trains at the POLICE ACADEMY for one twenty-second throwaway montage, before graduating top of her class and preparing to move to ZOOTOPIA to be a POLICE OFFICER.

CGI BUNNY HUNT:

Have fun in the big city, sweetheart! But also be careful. You should take this canister of fox repellent, which is a product that in this world ought to be about as legal as a real-life can of “Mexican-B-Gone”.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Hold on, at the police academy most of the prejudice seemed to be that I was too small and weak to be taken seriously as a candidate. And now when I go off to the big city you’re giving me some mace to protect myself against “predators”.

(examines canister)

PINK mace! Is this movie trying to make a point about race politics, or gender politics?

CGI BUNNY HUNT:

It’s making whatever point you want it to make! Rule number one about putting social commentary into your family movie: maximum vagueness equals maximum deniability.

EXT. ZOOTOPIA

BUNNIFER moves to ZOOTOPIA, a huge multi-ecosystem city where many species intermingle.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Boy, this place is such a melting pot! Isn’t it beautiful that, in this world so full of prejudice and hate, there can be a place where all the different species come together like this?

(pause)

Well, all the MAMMALS, of course. All those gross non-mammal species can go f*** themselves. F***in’ lizards and birds and sh*t.

(shudders)

She goes to her first day at the POLICE STATION, where she serves under POLICE CHIEF IDRIS ELBUFFALO.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

There’s been a rash of disappearances, all predators. This is our number one priority, people! By which I mean our only priority. I’m assigning every officer to this case, every last one of them, so I guess for the time being all other criminals can just go nuts.

(pause)

Oh, except for those heinous parking violators! Bunnifer, I’m putting you on parking duty.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Sure, okay. I guess since it’s my first day ever on any form of active duty it stands to reason that the most menial assignment would fall to me. You’re only being reasonable here.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Ha, what movie do you think you’re watching? I’m being super duper racist, of course!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Oh, well in that case this is BULLSHIT! That’s it, I’m gonna be unforgivingly militant in handing out tickets the split second any meter expires anywhere in the city, and thus prove myself good enough to escape the career purgatory that is parking duty!

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Boy, this explains SO MUCH about parking inspectors.

BUNNIFER goes and hands out A HUNDRED BAJILLION PARKING TICKETS. While out she sees JASON BATEFOX being refused service at an ELEPHANT ICE CREAM STORE.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Come onnn, sell me one of your giant elephant-sized ice pops! It’s a birthday treat for my son here. Kindly fail to notice his distinctive giant ears which ought to make it obvious to anybody that he isn’t even the same species as me.

CGI ELEPHANT:

Meh, all you foxes look the same. But either way, f*** off, I’m not selling you anything.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

I don’t suppose that would be out of legitimate concern about me giving my supposed toddler twenty times his own body weight in sugar?

CGI ELEPHANT:

Nope, it’s just another fun fun fun case of rrracism!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Not so fast! I’ll step in and force you to serve these guys or else I’ll file charges against you for health code violations! Rather than, say, breaking anti-discrimination laws, which I guess don’t exist here??

BUNNIFER pays for JASON’S ICE POP.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Heh heh heh, SUCKER! Now I’m gonna melt this thing down into many tiny ice pops, then sell them to lemmings, who would regard them as full size and thus pay full price! ...Which kind of raises the question of how the hell you could even have a functioning economy when some citizens require literally hundreds of times as much nutrition, space, energy and general resources as others.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Well I guess you could just pay the smaller animals less money for equal work OH GOD IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE.

(shakes fist)

Anyway, curse you, you vulpine stereotype, you’ve disillusioned me with your slightly dishonest and vaguely unethical pseudo-scam!

She goes home feeling DEPRESSED and ANGRY and JADED ABOUT ALL DAMN CIVILIZATION, which, once again, really clears up a whole bunch about PARKING INSPECTORS. But on her next shift she espies a thief on the lam!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Aha, a chance to thwart an actual crime! I’ll just chase him into a miniature rodent town where I’ll stomp around like a kaiju, causing massive property damage and risking the life and limb of countless civilians. PROTECT AND SERVE!

(charges through tiny traffic, nearly kills a thousand people)

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Damnit Bunnifer, I racistly, but also kinda legitimately, won’t stand for your reckless heroics! You’re through! Turn in your badge and - well, this entire police force seems weirdly devoid of guns, but turn in your badge at least.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Turn in my badge? Crap, you just awakened Bigyellinchief, the god of police chief clichés!

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

(pokes head in)

Say Idris, as the sheep assistant mayor, I just wanted to know that as of RIGHT NOW the mayor is breathing down your neck about letting Bunnifer help find one of those missing predators.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Aw damnit. Well if I’m stuck with police chief clichés I might as well go all out. YOU HAVE FORTY-EIGHT HOURS TO SOLVE THE CASE!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Ooh, that one’s a cherry.

BUNNIFER looks at the LAST KNOWN PHOTO of a MISSING OTTER and discovers that he was eating one of JASON’S FRAUDULENT CONFECTIONS.

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