Zootopia Page #2

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

So the last random shot of this otter tells me he’d moments earlier spoken to the ONE civilian from this entire giant metropolis who I’ve had a meaningful encounter with? I smell a Mystery Full of Big Convenient Coincidences in the offing!

EXT. STREET

BUNNIFER goes and blackmails JASON.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

I have here in my hand a recording that incriminates you, so help me find the otter! Funny how nonchalantly I’m threatening you when you’re a predator twice my size and I’ve been raised to believe your kind are all violent murderers.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Damnit, while it would be both extremely easy and entirely in character for me to just grab the recording device you're waving under my nose and hurl it into a storm drain, I guess I'll cave and work with you instead.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Great! We're gonna be such a comically mismatched odd couple! You, a fox, which folklore has always characterized as a quick-witted troublemaker, your textbook trickster archetype; and me, a rabbit, which folklore has always characterized as a quick-witted troublemaker, your textbook trickster - hey wait a minute.

They go to the NUDIST COLONY where the OTTER was headed, where they learn about him getting into a LIMO.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Well that’s all the intel I had, can I go now?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Wait! I don’t have access to motor vehicle records, so instead of asking any of my fellow cops to look up that limo’s details I’ll get you to use your contact at the DMV!

They go and do that SLOTH TRAILER at the DMV.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Well now I’m REALLY out of useful information, can I go NOW?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Wait! I need to use you as a flimsy justification for breaking into a parking lot!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

(sighs)

So we’re just gonna keep scrounging up increasingly strained reasons to keep me around until I stop hating you, huh.

The LIMO turns out to belong to a MOB KINGPIN called “MR. BIG”, by whose GUARDS they are suddenly SEIZED.

INT. UNCLEVER GODFATHER PARODY

BUNNIFER and JASON are brought before MR. BIG, who turns out to be MAURICE LaSHREW.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Haw, a shrew! He’s called “Mr. Big” and he has a big car and a big office and his henchmen are giant polar bears, but then AW SNAP it turns out he’s actually the SMALLEST of all mammals! What a funny twist!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Indeed! And now I’ll make a joke about selling him a rug made entirely from the hair from a single skunk’s butt, oh wait I already made that joke ages ago and ruined the whole “he’s tiny” punchline ooops.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Anyway, you don't scare me, Maurice! You can't stop me from finding out what happened to that otter!

CGI MAURICE LASHREW

Well I wasn't involved, so what do I care. In fact, the otter was a friend of mine, so presumably I'd WANT this matter cleared up. With all that in mind, I think the most logical course of action would be to have you, a police officer, murdered. I am a smart mobster.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Sh*t, I need another absurdly convenient coincidence to save my ass. Maybe I could just borrow that horrible one from Training Day?

It suddenly turns out that some RANDOM WOMAN whose LIFE BUNNIFER SAVED earlier in the movie is an IMMEDIATE RELATIVE of the GANGSTER who is now about to MURDER HER.

CGI MAURICE LASHREW

All is conveniently forgiven! As for that otter, I don’t know where he is. He ran off after he mysteriously went berserk and attacked my driver. One moment he was an ordinary decent mob-connected nudist otter, the next he was like a snarling beast!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

All right then, since you care about the otter and the clock is ticking on my investigation, I’m sure you’ll agree I should go talk to that driver immediately-

CGI MAURICE LASHREW

Or you could waste several hours attending the wedding of a stranger.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Or that could happen, sure.

EXT. RAINFORESTTOWN

Eventually BUNNIFER and JASON go to talk to the JAGUAR LIMO DRIVER (a LIMO DRIVER who is a JAGUAR, not the driver of a JAGUAR LIMO), but HE TOO has gone FERAL and tries to KILL THEM! They manage to RESTRAIN HIM and call in REINFORCEMENTS, but by the time IDRIS and the other COPS arrive, the DRIVER has disappeared.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Bunnifer, you ass! Clearly this whole tale of a jaguar gone savage is the product of your malfunctioning bunny imagination!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Well you could always go and see his smashed-up house if you want proof. It’s like two minute’s walk from here. The door’s open and everything.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Enough of your nonsense! Your forty-eight hours are up, hand in your-

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Hold it! I’d like to point out that the thirty-eight hours she’s had so far is LESS than forty-eight, because of how numbers work.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Curse you and your technicalities! Fine, I’ll give you the remaining ten hours. Plus like ten more, I guess, seeings it’s nighttime again by the time you actually solve the case.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

All right Bunnifer, I suggest we track what happened to that driver by using traffic cameras, which monitor every square foot of every street throughout all of Zootopia, even in deserted little backwaters like this one.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Then how the hell was that picture from the otter’s file the “last known image” of him? Considering everything we wind up learning about the case, shouldn’t the cops have been able to track his every move from the get-go and solved this thing in under an hour?

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Luckily for you, it would seem not!

EXT. CREEPY ABANDONED HOSPITAL

BUNNIFER and JASON track the DRIVER to some LAB which is guarded by an army of WOLVES.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Wolves? Right before he went nuts, the otter was heard ranting about "night howlers". Wolves howl at night! That's what he must have meant!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Then why wasn't he ranting about, you know, "wolves"? That's the word most people use for wolves. If he'd been attacked by camels would he have been yelling about "desert walkers"? Seriously, it's a good thing this revelation turns out to be a red herring, because it's f***ing stupid.

They sneak into the LAB, where it turns out all the MISSING PREDATORS are being kept captive by MAYOR OF ZOOTOPIA J.K. LIONS.

CGI J.K. LIONS

Another one! For the fifteenth time, a predator has flipped out and gone feral! Why is this happening? And how have we been able to find out about each incident and kidnap the subject before they were able to hurt anybody or be seen or leave any evidence whatsoever? None of it makes any sense!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Holy crap! This is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the mayor, who happens to be a huge intimidating lion! It’s going to be a real challenge for me, a bunny rabbit nobody takes seriously, to bring down

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE

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