Zootopia Page #3

The MAYOR has been ARRESTED and BUNNIFER is a HERO.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Oh. Well that was really, really easy.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Go on, Bunnifer, talk to the press. Since this is a potential PR disaster involving corrupt politicians, controversial police officers and some kind of unexplained plague, normally we’d coach you on what you should and shouldn’t say, but pfffft, that sounds like hard work, just wing it.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

All right, I think I can do this.

(to press)

Well clearly predators are all just vicious, mindless monsters at heart, and now their thin veneer of civilization is finally falling away to reveal the slavering beasts within, and we can’t trust a damn one of these ticking time bombs of violence. Nailed it!

CGI JASON BATEFOX

WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Aw, I wasnt’ talking about you! You’re one of the good ones! ...Okay, you know what, now I hear it.

JASON STORMS OFF and ZOOTOPIA promptly descends into ANTI-PREDATOR BIGOTRY.

CGI SNOW LEOPARD NEWS ANCHOR

This just in, predators continue to go unpredictably bonkers, with numerous incidents of huge strong animals with claws and sharp teeth suddenly trying to murder unsuspecting pedestrians. But nobody's died yet and let's just all pretend that's plausible, okay?

CGI MOOSE NEWS ANCHOR, OR SOME OTHER LOCALIZED ANIMAL STEREOTYPE DEPENDING WHERE YOU LIVE

This has resulted in similarly non-violent prejudice against predators. So now I guess we’re making some comment about how bigotry is a two-way street and even the racial majority can be the victim of racist attitudes?

CGI SNOW LEOPARD ANCHOR

Maybe? But “violence in the blood” is traditionally a racist attitude that has been held against black people in real life, so maybe predators are just another minority. So this movie has been a parallel for, I don’t know, black-vs-hispanic racism the whole time?

CGI MOOSE NEWS ANCHOR

Come to think of it, who ISN’T a minority around here? Prey are discriminated against for being small and vulnerable, predators are discriminated against for being former carnivores. And animals like foxes and sloths face more specific prejudice because of specific stereotypes and limitations of their species. Is it even possible to avoid ticking some box or other in this crazy pan-racist town?

CGI SNOW LEOPARD ANCHOR

I suppose if you’re a big, powerful herbivore whose race doesn’t have any kind of a questionable reputation. Which would make the only character in this movie who doesn’t suffer from any kind of race prejudice... the one played by Idris Elba?

CGI MOOSE NEWS ANCHOR

This is giving me a headache.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE

BUNNIFER is meeting with NEW MAYOR JENNY UNGUSLATE.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

I know you want me to be the new face of the police force, but I f***ed this town up pretty badly, so now I should use my newfound fame to speak out against racism and help defuse this atmosphere of hatred slink off back to my home town and wallow in self-pity. I’m turning in my badge.

CGI IDRIS ELBUFFALO

Wait, you didn’t let me say it! Come on!

EXT. RABBITON, USA

BUNNIFER returns home to sell CARROTS for a living.

CGI BUNNY HUNT:

Sorry about everything that happened, honey. Maybe another convenient coincidence would cheer you up? Look what we have growing on our farm even though we know they’re really dangerous: night howlers!

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Gasp! Night howlers are FLOWERS! Somebody must have DRUGGED those predators! Oh, and I know how to find out who! Remember that robber I chased, when I nearly destroyed Rodent Town?

CGI BUNNY HUNT:

You mean the one other crime you ever investigated during your entire cop career?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Yes, the single solitary criminal I ever arrested before getting involved with the missing predator case, was stealing bulbs for these flowers and was clearly heavily involved in the missing predator case! Now THAT is a convenient coincidence, right there.

CGI BUNNY HUNT:

It's also convenient that you had enough expertise in that flower to instantly recognize its bulb and rattle off its botanical classification and Latin name, while at the same time you didn't know its regular name or the fact that it makes people go crazy.

BUNNIFER hurries back to ZOOTOPIA and meets up with JASON.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Hey Jason, sorry for being all racist and stuff. You gotta help me find out who’s behind all this.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

Um, shouldn’t you be taking this information to Idris instead so he can use the full might of the police force to investigate this? Hell, shouldn’t you have just called him on the phone? In the time it took you to get here some panther might have flipped out and bitten a gopher’s head off or something.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

This isn’t about public safety, it’s about me getting redemption, damnit!

BUNNIFER and JASON question the FLOWER THIEF and wind up tracking down the CRIMINAL MASTERMIND at a NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM, who turns out to be...

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

That’s right, it was I, the new mayor, the only person to actually have benefited from all these goings-on, who’d’ve guessed!

She shoots JASON with an INSANITY PELLET and he goes to TEAR OUT BUNNIFER’S THROAT.

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

Mwa ha ha, and now to simply leave and let this grisly scene be discovered in the morning whilst keeping my name completely out of it. OR:

(calls cops)

Help, police! I, the mayor, happened to be taking a midnight stroll through the natural history museum with a few thuggish minions, when by total chance I stumbled across Jason murdering Bunnifer! Please get every single officer in the precinct to this location within the next three minutes!

(hangs up)

And now, whilst I should probably do something about the highly incriminating weapon that's currently in my hand before the cops get here, I will instead take this opportunity to declare aloud that I was entirely behind all these predators going crazy, that it was a deliberate crime that I planned and executed, signed Mayor Jenny Unguslate.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

GOTCHA! We were faking the whole attack and recorded your confession. We swapped out your crazy juice pellets for harmless blueberries!

CGI JENNY UNGUSLATE

Wait, seriously? You’re saying that you just happened to be carrying on you a liquid-filled sphere the exact color and dimensions of my psycho-balls?

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

Indeed we were! CONVENIENT COINCIDENCES FOR THE WIN!

JENNY is ARRESTED and ZOOTOPIA, having lost TWO CRIMINAL MAYORS in RAPID SUCCESSION and unearthed a RACIST PLOT to cause RACISM, naturally goes right back to being COMPLETELY STABLE.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

And now Jason’s become my cop partner, so our hamfistedly metaphorical relationship is healed and we’re closer than ever, yay!

(pause)

Although in defiance of how almost any other version of this story would go, it’s still purely platonic. Because in a somewhat injudicious move, Disney’s put out a movie about racial tolerance where “interracial” couples are absolutely off the table.

CGI JASON BATEFOX

I can guarantee that won’t stop the furry community.

CGI BUNNIFER GOODWIN

...Oh dear GOD. They’re going to write ALL THE PORN, aren’t they? Just ALL OF IT. EWWWWWWW .

END.

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