MY GIRL

MY GIRL:

By

My Girl (1991)

Directed by

Howard Zieff

Writing credits

Laurice Elehwany

Setting:
MADISON, PENNSYLVANIA 1972

START:

CLOSE UP OF VADA

VADA:

(to camera)

I was born jaundiced. Once I sat on a toilet

seat at a Truck stop and caught hemorrhoids.

And i've learned to live with this chicken

Bone that's been lodged in my throat for the

past three years, so I knew Dad would be

devastated when he learned of my latest

affliction.

(to Harry)

Dad, I don't wanna upset you, but my left

breast is developing at a significantly faster

rate than my right. It can only mean one

thing. Cancer. I'm dying.

HARRY:

(ignoring Vada)

O.K. Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of

the fridge.

FRONT OF SULTENFUSS' HOUSE

Vada closes front door and goes down the steps to a group

of boys

VADA:

All right, who's in raise your hand.

All the boys raise their hands except Thomas J

BOY:

Are you coming or not Thomas J?

THOMAS J:

I don't think so.

VADA:

I knew he wouldn't come.

THOMAS J:

I can't, I have to go home.

BOY#2

Yeah, to play with his DOLLS.

VADA:

Leave him alone! Come on, let's go.

Group of boys enters house lead by Vada

Once inside, the group is suddenly stopped

VADA:

(to boy#2)

Hey, you didn't pay me!

BOY#2

How do I know you were gonna show us one?

VADA:

You're such a baby.

BOY#2

All right, here.

Boy reaches inside his pocket, gets money out and gives it

to Vada

VADA:

All right, follow me and don't say a word.

They walk towards two large doors, stop, and Vada turns

around

You ready?

They enter the coffin display room, and move over to the

coffin in the middle of the room

You sure you wanna see it, or is someone

gonna go yellow belly?

BOY#3

I'm not chicken!

VADA:

Okay. Lean forward.

A tense moment as the coffin lid is flung open by Vada and

the boys gasp as they look inside

GIRL#1

It's empty!

BOY#2

You're so weird!

BOY:

I want my money back!

VADA:

I was afraid of this.

They begin to move into another part of the house

BOY#2

Of what??

VADA:

Well, sometimes when we get 'em, they're not

completely dead, you know, like when they cut

a chickens head off and it still runs around

crazy.

BOY#3

You're full of sh*t.

VADA:

I bet she's roaming around this house

somewhere.

They open the door into the living room, where Grammoo is

in her rocking chair

There she is, in the rocking chair.

Pause, then Grammoo begins to rock the chair gently. The

boys all gasp and then all exit very quickly

VADA:

Hi Grammoo.

Vada seats herself upon Grammoo's lap

HARRY:

(in distance, from

downstairs)

Vada would you bring down my cigarettes?

Vada gets up and begins to leave

VADA:

Seeya later.

(kisses Grammoo on forehead)

BASEMENT, HARRY & ARTHUR WORKING ON MR. LAYTON

HARRY:

Did I tell you, he was my woodshop teacher.

ARTHUR:

You took woodshop?

HARRY:

Yeah, I made a tie rack.

ARTHUR:

I made a tie rack.

Vada comes down the stairs and stops just before the corner

that would allow her to see the corpse of Mr. Layton

VADA:

Ahem.

HARRY:

Vada, just put 'em on the stool.

Vada places the packet on a stool

VADA:

Daddy guess what I beat Thomas J in monopoly

yesterday.

HARRY:

(completely ignoring Vada's

comment)

Ya, that rack holds six ties.

ARTHUR:

I still have mine.

Vada recognizes Arthur's voice

VADA:

Arthur!!

ARTHUR:

Vada!!

VADA:

I beat Thomas J in monopoly yesterday.

ARTHUR:

Good for you baby.

VADA:

Once you put the hotels on board walk and

Park Place he puts a shoe in your way.

ARTHUR:

I like to buy off all the railroads.

Harry is slightly annoyed at Vada distracting them

HARRY:

Vada, we're trying to work here.

CAMPER PULLS UP OUTSIDE SULTENFUSS HOUSE

BASEMENT:

VADA:

Cruella deville stole all the puppies, she

was gonna make a fur out of 'em!

HARRY:

(to Arthur)

Hand me the canula.

Vada begins to sing doo-wah-diddy-diddy, Arthur joins in

HARRY:

(annoyed)

VADA!

VADA:

Dad?

HARRY:

I'm embalming my high school teacher, don't

sing.

(beat)

All right Arthur, just a slide of the

needle.....

(fades out as Vada climbs

stairs)

Vada climbs stairs and stops to read patient note, CAUSE OF

DEATH - CANCER OF PROSTATE

HARRY:

(to corpse)

One nice model C-501 bronze stainless eternal

journey, yeah, you look like a champion.

OUTSIDE SULTENFUSS' HOUSE DAY, STRANGE WOMAN GETS OUT OF

CAMPER, WALKS UP TO DOOR AND RINGS BELL, VADA ANSWERS

STRANGER:

Is Mr. Harry Sultenfuss in?

VADA:

Sure, come on in.

Vada and strange woman make their way to a desk in the

foyer, and sit down

So, have you had the unfortunate experience

of recently losing a loved one?

STRANGER:

(puzzled look)

Could I see your Dad, just for a second?

Vada runs across to call downstairs

VADA:

DAD, SOMEBODY'S HERE!!

Vada runs back to the desk

He's downstairs working on Mr. Layton.

Prostate Cancer. Once it hits your prostate,

you're a goner.

STRANGER:

Oh.

Harry enters

HARRY:

How may I... Help you?

STRANGER:

I'm Shelly devoto. We spoke, the other day

regarding the make up artist job.

HARRY:

Oh yes.

SHELLY:

It's still available I hope?

HARRY:

I think it's still available.

SHELLY:

I'm a licensed cosmetologist, I worked for

two years, at the "Dino Raphael" Salon, all my

customers cried when I told them I was

leaving.

HARRY:

Uhh, Miss devoto...

SHELLY:

I have a wonderful disposition, I put people

right at ease.

HARRY:

Uhh, Miss devoto, these people are already at

ease. This is not a Beauty Parlor, it's a

Funeral Parlor.

SHELLY:

They're dead?

HARRY:

Yes they are.

SHELLY:

Stiffs??

HARRY:

(for want of a better word)

Deceased.

SHELLY:

The add just said "Makeup Artist"

Doorbell rings

HARRY:

Ahh, excuse me a second will you?

(opens door)

Hi George, this is a twelve-fifty-eight, I

didn't want the burnished handles.

(door closes off scene)

Vada looks out the window at Shelly's camper

VADA:

Is that your camper?

SHELLY:

Yes it is.

VADA:

That's really cool.

Grammoo walks past in a fixed stare

SHELLY:

(to Grammoo)

Hello.

Grammoo keeps walking as if she hadn't heard

VADA:

She's shy.

SHELLY:

Oh.

Harry is standing at the door directing the men with the

coffin

HARRY:

Just put it back in the display room fellers.

MEN:

Okay Harry.

The men move off, Vada walks over to Harry

VADA:

Daddy, how come that coffin's so small?

HARRY:

They come in all sizes honey, just like

shoes.

VADA:

Is it for a child?

Harry hesitates

HARRY:

Of course not.

VADA:

Then who's it for?

Small pause while Harry thinks of a reply

HARRY:

Short people, very short people.

Shelly walks over to Harry

SHELLY:

Excuse me, what about the job?

HARRY:

Pardon?

SHELLY:

I need the job.

HARRY:

Oh, You still want it? Even though uhh...

SHELLY:

Ohh, oh sure it's no big deal, you see all my

former clients will eventually die, and all

your clients used to be alive, so they have

something in common.

HARRY:

You'd be doing hair and makeup and answering

the phone.

SHELLY:

Okay Mr. Sultenfuss, you got a deal.

HARRY:

Great, you can start right away. Call me

Harry. Now, umm, is this what you'd normally

wear for work? Don't get me wrong, I like it,

very much, but the....

SHELLY:

I promise i'll take good care of these

people, they deserve it, they're dead, all

they've got left is their looks.

Harry and Vada exchange weird looks

OUTSIDE SHOPPING MALL-AREA DAY

Vada and Thomas J are riding their bikes through town

THOMAS J:

Hey look at this, no feet!

VADA:

Oh wow, a real evil canieval.

Vada and Thomas J ride up through a garage

PSYCHO MECHANIC:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY GARAGE, GET

OUTTA HERE!!!

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