Nativity

(Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus...

'That's me, Paul Maddens,

back in drama school.

'Yes, l look like an idiot.

'And there's my girlfriend, Jennifer,

'with our best mate,

Gordon Shakespeare.

'We were the three amigos

with the world at our feet.'

(So jump in bed and cover your head

(Cos Santa Claus comes tonight... (

'Jennifer and her family

always loved Christmas.

'And it was Jennifer

who taught me to love it, too.

'Gordon always said

he loved Christmas,

'but the only thing

he truly loved was himself.'

l'm completely above this.

This is just pointless. Elf!

lt's my last elf.

l could at least be Father Christmas.

Look at her.

- l can't do this any more.

- You're really good, though.

There's no control being an actor.

You're doing other people's ideas.

- l agree.

- l'd rather be in control.

l don't know,

like directing, producing.

- l think you should consider that.

- l will.

That's why l'm going to train

as a primary school teacher.

Shh.

Give it three years and if you're

as bad as you are now, give up.

Try. Those who can't act, teach.

(Both) And those who can't teach,

teach primary.

- Who says that?

- lt's a truism.

A truism?

Five, six, seven, eight.

(Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus...

(Paul) 'And so that's what l did,

l became a teacher,

'and Jennifer

seemed really proud of me.

'As l was of her, when she went

to Hollywood and became a producer.

'Gordon became a teacher at

the best private school in the city.

'Every Christmas,

'his productions of the nativity won

the five-star review in the local paper.'

Gordon Shakespeare's

three-colour trilogy

has redefined nativity

with its rainbow of talent

that hangs over the city of Coventry

like a blessed beacon.

'Five stars.

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

What a performance!

'Paul Maddens' nativity was abysmal.'

Minus two stars.

(Paul) 'And that's when

l decided l hated Christmas.'

((JACKSON 5:

"Santa Claus ls Coming To Town")

(Santa Claus is coming to town

(You'd better watch out

You'd better not cry...

Sit down! Oli, that's you

in detention for the week.

TJ, that's you in detention

for the week,

and also, TJ, that's your parents

coming into school tomorrow.

(Santa Claus is coming to town... (

- Who is going to win the 5-star review?

- Us, us, us!

Us, us, us! Us, us, us!

Us, us, us! Yeah!

- Who can spell me Bethlehem? Go.

- B-E-L-E...

No, next. Oli.

B-E-L-T...

No! TJ?

- B-E-L-E...

- No!

Good morning, boys and girls.

Good morning, Mrs Bevan!

Here we are on the run-up to Christmas.

- Yes!

- lsn't that exciting?

Now, last year,

Mrs Spink did the nativity play,

and, if you remember,

she got a bit upset

and she started shouting and crying

and some of you, l remember,

were crying with her.

So, we are going to have to find

a new person,

and this year, to make the best

nativity play that has ever, ever been,

is Mr Maddens. Yes!

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year...

Ooh.

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

(And a happy New Year

(Happy New Year... (

You have the talent,

you have the training.

Mrs Bevan, l did a three-year course

in drama many moons ago.

- l wasn't very good.

- Yes, l know. Let's move on from there.

When are you going

to start the casting?

These children are literally useless.

l am literally useless.

Please don't make me do this.

Think about Oakmoor. Think about

how they always steal all the reviews.

We agreed four years ago

that after my disastrous attempt to direct

the nativity, l wouldn't do it again.

Make this a good one, make this

a fabulous last nativity play for me,

and then l retire and you won't

have to put up with me any more.

Oh, and you've got a classroom

assistant starting today some time.

- Thank you.

- That will help with the stress.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Tell us, clearly, what happened at

Christmas, if you think you're so clever.

Joseph got together with Mary and then

Mary went to Bethlehem to have a baby.

She has a baby, Jesus.

A couple of years later, about 30 years

later, he dies on the cross and then...

Go and sit down. That was almost

blasphemy, what you've just done.

Here's to a five-star review

of the St Bernadette's nativity

directed by Paul Maddens.

- Cheers.

- Cheers!

(Laughter)

- (Rhythmic clapping)

- (When Susie was a child

(A child Susie was

(She said, "Miss! Miss! l can't get this!

l got my knickers in a right old twist!"

(When... (

- Who are you?

- Mr Poppy.

- What are you doing here, Mr Poppy?

- Oh, l'm your teaching assistant.

Please try and keep it neat.

Dan, are you having a bit of trouble?

- How are you getting on, Fraser?

- Fine, thanks.

Mm-hm. You don't have to put

your hand up to talk to me.

l thought we were supposed

to be doing a play.

- We are.

- Everyone's sitting around...

Yes, but this isn't

the rehearsal for the play.

This is still a creative writing class.

lt's a different thing.

- Who wants to do a play?

- (Paul) Excuse me, excuse me!

- Just move the tables to one side.

- No, keep the tables where you are!

Alfie! Alfie, TJ, just put the tables back.

The next person to move their table

will be in detention for the entire term.

- (Bell rings)

- Sit down!

- (Children shouting)

- Stripy scarf, whose is this?

(Shouting and laughter)

- Mr Poppy! Come in now, Mr Poppy.

- l've been tigged.

Come in now.

Get inside, please. l've told you before!

- Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!

- Children, please, go away.

- Poppy! Poppy!

- Just carry on playing.

Mr Poppy! Mr Poppy!

Mr Poppy!

Shh-chh-chh!

- Furzz-oop.

- l just wanted to check something.

Can l just say l've really enjoyed

today, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

- You haven't done this before.

- l've done stuff like it.

- Classroom assistant?

- No.

l just wanted to check that.

l'll see you tomorrow at 08.15?

- Do you want a sausage sizzler?

- Sorry?

Young's, the newsagent

by Fiveheads Road,

they do these sausages with tomato

ketchup in a roll with a sausage.

They're 1 .50. Do you want to share

one and we could hang out at the park?

l'll introduce you to Tom, Stinky Tom.

He's funny.

l'm a bit busy. l shan't be doing that

tonight. Thank you.

See you later.

Fzz-shwoosh!

(Can't you see it's gonna be

A merry, merry Christmas

(A merry, merry Christmas

For all good girls and boys... (

(Dog whines)

Come here, baby. Hello.

Ooh! Right on me kippers. Ooh!

Cracker! Cracker, you hardly know me!

Cracker! Cracker!

Where are you going, you mental dog?

(Hums a tune)

Cracker... (ln Nazareth...

Or... (ln Nazareth...

l think low. Bark for high.

- (Barks)

- Bark for low.

- (Whines)

- Suit yourself.

Cracker.

Cracker. Cracker, come here.

(Thud)

Help me, Mr Maddens!

This man is an idiot.

He's an actual village idiot.

lf this was a village,

he would be the idiot.

He's not a classroom assistant.

He's an absolute calamitous fool.

- He'll be a big help with the play.

- The play that l don't care about?

The play that brings the children away

from learning to read, write and count?

Whoopee. l've got a big oaf helping

my children to fail. Thanks a lot.

- This is getting a bit personal.

- Who's that?

- Who's what?

- What's that?

That's a photograph

of me and Mr Poppy.

- Why?

- He is my sister's son.

Mm-hm.

(Sighs)

Mr Poppy!

Sit down, please. Sit down.

Be quiet! Sit down now!

Why is Mr Maddens

such a grumpy grocks?

His girlfriend left him at Christmas time.

- Where's his girlfriend now?

- ln America.

America, how cool is that?

lt is cool,

but it is a long way away from here.

Can we keep it down over there,

please?

- Bagsy drive the van.

- l've got the keys.

- Nothing overrules the rules of bagsy.

- Don't...

- Mr Poppy, l'm insured to drive the van.

- Auntie Pat said l could drive.

- Can you drive?

- Yeah. Come on, jump in.

(Horn sounds)

- Gabriel comes in on a death slide.

- (Paul) What's a death slide?

One of those things. Duh-zzhoozh!

You go down with two hands...

l don't think health and safety will

involve the death slide in a nativity play.

- OK, what about a BMX with trick pegs?

- This is a Roman Catholic school.

We are not going to replace a donkey

with a trick-peg BMX. What is that?

- We can do it if we just work together.

- Sorry?

Like we're Webber and Rice, and Posh

and Becks. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee.

You and me.

- l think maybe this one.

- No. The big one.

lt's not gonna fit, is it?

- l don't believe it! Paul Maddens!

- Gordon Shakespeare.

(American accent)

How are you doing, my man?

- Great to see you.

- And you.

- Where have you been?

- Five years at St Bernadette's now.

But you were gonna be the star,

the man!

- Was l? l never thought that.

- Yes! We all did and then it all went.

And now you're down the road?

How is it at St B's?

Goodness me, what a challenge!

Slowly, that dreadful school

is dragging itself up.

- How's Jennifer? Do you speak to her?

- Yeah, still quite good friends with her.

So, you still keep in touch with her?

Yeah, even though

she's Hollywood side, yeah.

- Didn't she do well?

- She's now a producer, you know?

l know. l mean, if you think l'm talented,

well, she's just gone to another level.

Way above me, and...and...

- ...clearly, you.

- Clearly, yeah.

lf you want to see

how the other half lives,

and just see where

it really happens in the right way,

come along to our Christmas bazaar.

- The talent they've got. Amazing.

- Yeah, l'm sure.

- lt's worth a little look. Come along.

- Thank you.

- What are you doing this year?

- l'm doing the nativity again.

- Perhaps l could come and see yours?

- Yes, you won't be alone if you do.

Because, actually, Jennifer's coming.

- She's coming over to the UK?

- Yeah, she's gonna come and see...

Why would she do that?

Because she's gonna bring

most of her agency over with her.

Hollywood...are coming

to St Bernadette's?

- To see your show?

- Yes.

- To film your show?

- Yeah.

- To make a film out of it?

- Yeah.

And a book.

(Hums a tune)

Come, come, come, come, come.

Come close. This is... Shh.

Come in, gather round.

l've got something to tell you, all right?

l'm not supposed to, but someone's

twisted my arm and l have to tell you.

l've just been to get the Christmas tree,

and l heard Mr Maddens say,

a big Hollywood

production film thing company

are coming here to see our nativity,

but it's not a nativity,

it's "Nativity The Musical",

in 3-D with 5-D sound,

and we're all going to be famous!

Yeah!

Shh, shh, shh!

This is big stuff, all right?

Zack, l mean, you could end up being...

- Zac Efron.

- Yes!

And you...you could be Shrek!

- And you, Bob...

- What?

...you're like a little Gollum,

like a little creature in something!

So, we're going to be super famous

because Hollywood are coming!

Yeah!

- (Groans)

- (Dog whines)

Ow. Ow.

Ow!

Oh!

Aargh!

With me now

are the real stars of the film,

the pupils

of St Bernadette's School here.

- You must be very excited?

- Oh, very excited, aren't we, children?

Wait, wait.

We heard this morning that Hollywood

are coming to see our nativity play,

and we can hardly believe it.

Sit down, please. Sit, Cracker.

l am actually Mr Poppy and l am, er...

the co-director, co-writer, co-producer.

(TV volume off)

'...the true stars of a new Hollywood

blockbuster coming to town very soon.'

(He sees you when you're sleeping

(He knows when you're awake...

How you doing, Paul?

Now, you don't want to be late.

Quickly, you two.

Well done.

Congratulations, Mr Maddens.

There you are! Oh, goodness, at last.

- This is Darren from the newspaper.

- Nice to meet you.

Come on, we've got to go this way.

Yeah, they've been waiting.

l've told Darren everything l know

but l don't know much.

lt's wonderful that you're

back in touch with her again.

- There you are, that's it.

- (Cheering)

Thank you, thank you. Good morning,

boys and girls. Good morning, teachers.

Good morning. Good morning,

gentlemen of the press.

Ha-ha! And the local news team.

And, as you can see, children,

it's very, very exciting.

The whole of the town

is buzzing with the news

that St Bernadette's is going

to get a visitor from Hollywood.

- Three cheers for Mr Maddens! Hip, hip!

- Hurray!

- Hip, hip!

- Hurray!

- Hip, hip!

- Hooray!

Mrs Bevan, boys and girls...

l'm sorry, cos there's obviously

been some misunderstanding,

because yesterday

l said in front of Mr Poppy

that we were gonna have a...

a visit from Hollywood.

And l'm only sorry

cos it's not happening right now!

l didn't tell you.

l told Gordon Shakespeare!

lt wasn't even for your ears!

Do you understand me? You were

eavesdropping on a conversation.

- lt doesn't matter!

- Be quiet! lt's obviously a lie.

How are Hollywood

gonna come to the school?

lt's a lie! lt's not true! l made it up!

You have messed up, right?

lt's up to you to face your responsibility

and go out there and tell them it's a lie.

- (Door squeaks)

- Yeah!

Yeah!

All you've got to do

is call your girlfriend

and get the Hollywood people across.

One problem. She's not my girlfriend.

l don't know her number.

l don't know where she lives.

l was making all of that up yesterday.

- Family? Has she got any family?

- Well, she's got parents, yeah.

- Do you have any pets?

- l have a dog. Used to be hers.

Brilliant! Just go round there.

Say, "The dog died. l need her number.

l should break her this news in person."

- How has the dog died?

- lt blew up.

The dog blew up!

They won't ask! They won't ask.

You wouldn't ask. l wouldn't ask.

"Eugh!" They'd just think "Eugh"

and get the number.

We need those five stars. l need you all

to be stars to get those stars.

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