Nativity Page #2

This man is an idiot.

He's an actual village idiot.

lf this was a village,

he would be the idiot.

He's not a classroom assistant.

He's an absolute calamitous fool.

- He'll be a big help with the play.

- The play that l don't care about?

The play that brings the children away

from learning to read, write and count?

Whoopee. l've got a big oaf helping

my children to fail. Thanks a lot.

- This is getting a bit personal.

- Who's that?

- Who's what?

- What's that?

That's a photograph

of me and Mr Poppy.

- Why?

- He is my sister's son.

Mm-hm.

(Sighs)

Mr Poppy!

Sit down, please. Sit down.

Be quiet! Sit down now!

Why is Mr Maddens

such a grumpy grocks?

His girlfriend left him at Christmas time.

- Where's his girlfriend now?

- ln America.

America, how cool is that?

lt is cool,

but it is a long way away from here.

Can we keep it down over there,

please?

- Bagsy drive the van.

- l've got the keys.

- Nothing overrules the rules of bagsy.

- Don't...

- Mr Poppy, l'm insured to drive the van.

- Auntie Pat said l could drive.

- Can you drive?

- Yeah. Come on, jump in.

(Horn sounds)

- Gabriel comes in on a death slide.

- (Paul) What's a death slide?

One of those things. Duh-zzhoozh!

You go down with two hands...

l don't think health and safety will

involve the death slide in a nativity play.

- OK, what about a BMX with trick pegs?

- This is a Roman Catholic school.

We are not going to replace a donkey

with a trick-peg BMX. What is that?

- We can do it if we just work together.

- Sorry?

Like we're Webber and Rice, and Posh

and Becks. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee.

You and me.

- l think maybe this one.

- No. The big one.

lt's not gonna fit, is it?

- l don't believe it! Paul Maddens!

- Gordon Shakespeare.

(American accent)

How are you doing, my man?

- Great to see you.

- And you.

- Where have you been?

- Five years at St Bernadette's now.

But you were gonna be the star,

the man!

- Was l? l never thought that.

- Yes! We all did and then it all went.

And now you're down the road?

How is it at St B's?

Goodness me, what a challenge!

Slowly, that dreadful school

is dragging itself up.

- How's Jennifer? Do you speak to her?

- Yeah, still quite good friends with her.

So, you still keep in touch with her?

Yeah, even though

she's Hollywood side, yeah.

- Didn't she do well?

- She's now a producer, you know?

l know. l mean, if you think l'm talented,

well, she's just gone to another level.

Way above me, and...and...

- ...clearly, you.

- Clearly, yeah.

lf you want to see

how the other half lives,

and just see where

it really happens in the right way,

come along to our Christmas bazaar.

- The talent they've got. Amazing.

- Yeah, l'm sure.

- lt's worth a little look. Come along.

- Thank you.

- What are you doing this year?

- l'm doing the nativity again.

- Perhaps l could come and see yours?

- Yes, you won't be alone if you do.

Because, actually, Jennifer's coming.

- She's coming over to the UK?

- Yeah, she's gonna come and see...

Why would she do that?

Because she's gonna bring

most of her agency over with her.

Hollywood...are coming

to St Bernadette's?

- To see your show?

- Yes.

- To film your show?

- Yeah.

- To make a film out of it?

- Yeah.

And a book.

(Hums a tune)

Come, come, come, come, come.

Come close. This is... Shh.

Come in, gather round.

l've got something to tell you, all right?

l'm not supposed to, but someone's

twisted my arm and l have to tell you.

l've just been to get the Christmas tree,

and l heard Mr Maddens say,

a big Hollywood

production film thing company

are coming here to see our nativity,

but it's not a nativity,

it's "Nativity The Musical",

in 3-D with 5-D sound,

and we're all going to be famous!

Yeah!

Shh, shh, shh!

This is big stuff, all right?

Zack, l mean, you could end up being...

- Zac Efron.

- Yes!

And you...you could be Shrek!

- And you, Bob...

- What?

...you're like a little Gollum,

like a little creature in something!

So, we're going to be super famous

because Hollywood are coming!

Yeah!

- (Groans)

- (Dog whines)

Ow. Ow.

Ow!

Oh!

Aargh!

With me now

are the real stars of the film,

the pupils

of St Bernadette's School here.

- You must be very excited?

- Oh, very excited, aren't we, children?

Wait, wait.

We heard this morning that Hollywood

are coming to see our nativity play,

and we can hardly believe it.

Sit down, please. Sit, Cracker.

l am actually Mr Poppy and l am, er...

the co-director, co-writer, co-producer.

(TV volume off)

'...the true stars of a new Hollywood

blockbuster coming to town very soon.'

(He sees you when you're sleeping

(He knows when you're awake...

How you doing, Paul?

Now, you don't want to be late.

Quickly, you two.

Well done.

Congratulations, Mr Maddens.

There you are! Oh, goodness, at last.

- This is Darren from the newspaper.

- Nice to meet you.

Come on, we've got to go this way.

Yeah, they've been waiting.

l've told Darren everything l know

but l don't know much.

lt's wonderful that you're

back in touch with her again.

- There you are, that's it.

- (Cheering)

Thank you, thank you. Good morning,

boys and girls. Good morning, teachers.

Good morning. Good morning,

gentlemen of the press.

Ha-ha! And the local news team.

And, as you can see, children,

it's very, very exciting.

The whole of the town

is buzzing with the news

that St Bernadette's is going

to get a visitor from Hollywood.

- Three cheers for Mr Maddens! Hip, hip!

- Hurray!

- Hip, hip!

- Hurray!

- Hip, hip!

- Hooray!

Mrs Bevan, boys and girls...

l'm sorry, cos there's obviously

been some misunderstanding,

because yesterday

l said in front of Mr Poppy

that we were gonna have a...

a visit from Hollywood.

And l'm only sorry

cos it's not happening right now!

l didn't tell you.

l told Gordon Shakespeare!

lt wasn't even for your ears!

Do you understand me? You were

eavesdropping on a conversation.

- lt doesn't matter!

- Be quiet! lt's obviously a lie.

How are Hollywood

gonna come to the school?

lt's a lie! lt's not true! l made it up!

You have messed up, right?

lt's up to you to face your responsibility

and go out there and tell them it's a lie.

- (Door squeaks)

- Yeah!

Yeah!

All you've got to do

is call your girlfriend

and get the Hollywood people across.

One problem. She's not my girlfriend.

l don't know her number.

l don't know where she lives.

l was making all of that up yesterday.

- Family? Has she got any family?

- Well, she's got parents, yeah.

- Do you have any pets?

- l have a dog. Used to be hers.

Brilliant! Just go round there.

Say, "The dog died. l need her number.

l should break her this news in person."

- How has the dog died?

- lt blew up.

The dog blew up!

They won't ask! They won't ask.

You wouldn't ask. l wouldn't ask.

"Eugh!" They'd just think "Eugh"

and get the number.

We need those five stars. l need you all

to be stars to get those stars.

Rate this script:3.8 / 4 votes