Nativity Page #3

We need something edgier,

more dangerous, something darker.

Something like the RSC do, then bang,

they hit you with something enormous.

That's what we should be doing.

Something European, strange, exotic.

Something that the Americans

don't understand but love.

That's it, l know, we could have...Herod.

King Herod, he's never done, is he?

Herod...Herod's never done, ever!

That's it, wonderful. We can have

Herod. lt could be like an opera.

This dark shape brooding in the back,

coming forward onto the stage,

singing his heart out, his lungs,

craving for their minds and blood

and body of the children.

That's what we want.

Who's going to be my Herod?

(Can't you see it's gonna be

A merry, merry Christmas

(A merry, merry Christmas

For all good girls and boys...

Thank you. Anything else

you'd like to show us?

- (Burps) A, B, C, D...

- That's good.

(You and me

l've been dancing on the floor, darling

(And l feel like l need some more

(And l feel your body

Close to mine and l... (

Oh.

(Cos l'm just

A teenage dirtbag, baby

(Listen to lron Maiden,

baby, with me (

(l was going on a hill side

On a hill side

(l was going on a hill side

On a hill side...

(Oh, Danny boy

(The pipes, the pipes are calling...

What would you like to play?

l know you're not gonna let me,

but l want to be Joseph.

OK, well, away you go,

in your own time.

- Careful.

- Wow.

((Rock version of Jingle Bells)

- You're through to the next round.

- There's not a next round.

- The Hollywood round.

- There isn't a Hollywood round.

Please can l go to Hollywood? Please!

Hollywood, Bob, are gonna love it.

Aah! Ooh!

Look, l can't do it.

Can we take five for a moment, please?

l've got to... Excuse me.

Keep going, it's good. lt's really good.

- Paul. Paul. Paul.

- Oh, hello, Father.

l just popped in to congratulate you.

Well done.

- Thank you.

- lt's great news.

- Thank you. l'll do what l can.

- Well done.

Father, could l ask your advice?

l've just had a bit of a query from one

of the children in the auditions, actually.

l'm not sure how to advise them.

They're worried about, er...lying.

One of them has told a lie.

We all know that there's

such a thing as a little white lie

and there's a black Protestant lie,

which is more serious, you know...

l don't think so, l don't think so.

A lie is a lie is a lie.

- Technically?

- What do you mean, technically?

Well, you know, "ls that a nice meal?"

"Oh, yes, Mrs Johnson, it's lovely."

Even though you're feeling sick,

cos you don't want to hurt her feelings.

- But it's still a lie, isn't it?

- But l'm not going to be punished for it.

No, but if you picked the woman up

on her bad cooking,

the next time

you might get a decent meal.

Ee-aah! Ee-aah!

- Mrs Bevan, can l have a quick word?

- Ah! My phone is ringing off the hook.

- Can l grab you for two minutes?

- Of course.

Word has got out about the Hollywood

connection, and parents are ringing me.

- They want to know why, how, when.

- l can save time with all of that.

This is the cherry on the cake,

the Lord Mayor's office has rung

and they want you to go to a big

reception for Coventry ambassadors.

- No!

- Yes, and there's going to be drinks.

- l don't think l can come.

- l've accepted on your behalf.

- Have you?

- (Phone rings)

- l've got to go. Phone!

- No, please!

That will be somebody else.

See you soon, bye-bye.

(l'm a little Christmas cracker

(Hanging on a Christmas tree

(Just a little Christmas cracker

(A banger, banger, banger,

that's me... (

(Doorbell)

- How's it going?

- You!

- l wonder if l might come in?

- l think you should come in.

- Thank you.

- Come on.

(Clears throat)

You'd better sit down, Paul.

l've heard of some things

in my life, Paul,

but to take a dog called Cracker

and then to put explosives in it

and blow it apart like a cracker...

l think common parlance is "the pits".

Wait till Jennifer hears.

Yes, she'll probably be sitting there

in her heart-shaped pool,

sipping away at her Cristal champagne

which Harrison has bought her.

That's her new boyfriend, by the way.

New boyfriend, you understand that?

Not the old boyfriend

who blows dogs to smithereens.

(Hooray for Hollywood... (

Excuse me.

- What did she say?

- l haven't spoken to her yet.

- When are you going to phone her?

- When l've got time!

And just when l've worked out

what it is l'm gonna say!

Phone her!

Why don't you want to phone her?

l can't phone her now

because l'm working. l'm marking.

You're worried. You were

going out with her for a long time.

You love her,

she loved you, it went wrong,

and you feel butterfly things in your

tummy when you make the phone call.

And l understand that and you just

need to take a big daddy breath,

dial the number and say hello.

l don't know

what you think is going on.

You think l'm hung up over a woman

l've not seen for five years. l'm not.

Well, l can see a man who's really

scared and frightened and angry.

l'm frightened of you, because

l've never met one of you before.

l'm terrified because l don't know

what you or l am going to do.

l could help you mend your heart,

Mr Maddens.

Open the door.

- Did you just slam that door?

- No.

Close it properly, please.

((RON SEXSMlTH:

"Maybe This Christmas")

(Maybe this Christmas

Will mean something more

(Maybe this year

(Love will appear

(Deeper than ever before

(And maybe forgiveness

Will ask us to call someone we love

(Someone we've lost...

- (Dog whimpers)

- (For reasons we can't quite recall

(Mm-mm-mm

(Maybe this Christmas...

Hello?

(Mm-mm-mm

(Maybe this Christmas (

(Paul) l was very impressed with

the auditions. Thank you very much.

l thought there was a wonderful

array of talent on display,

so you can all be

very proud of yourselves.

Because there's a wonderful array

of talent on display,

l have no doubt you'll be able to handle

this song, which is quite advanced.

(Things are going well in Nazareth

(Our city is full of joy...

Right and that goes into...

- (Keyboard)

- Do you have to do that? Fine, l'll...

- That sounds good, doesn't it?

- Yes, so we've got...

- (Things are going well...

- (Things are really cool...

- (ln Nazareth, our city is full of joy

- (ln Nazareth

- (Cos this is where girl meets boy

- (Cos this is where girl meets boy

- (ln Nazareth

- (Our city is full of...

- Do you...

- (Joy...

Try it.

(Things are really cool in Nazareth

(Our city is full of joy

(Cos this is where girl meets boy...

Who thinks my song is better?

Anyone? This is far more linear.

lt's very dirge-like.

Mine is actually influenced

more by Sondheim, but...

OK, who prefers Mr Poppy's song?

Black! Darkness, and the audience

is thinking, "What's going to happen?"

Some of the children,

maybe like six or seven,

come on here on that,

"Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh!"

They're like toe, heel,

and then over here some more children,

so you get this big cross,

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