Nativity

(Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus...

'That's me, Paul Maddens,

back in drama school.

'Yes, l look like an idiot.

'And there's my girlfriend, Jennifer,

'with our best mate,

Gordon Shakespeare.

'We were the three amigos

with the world at our feet.'

(So jump in bed and cover your head

(Cos Santa Claus comes tonight... (

'Jennifer and her family

always loved Christmas.

'And it was Jennifer

who taught me to love it, too.

'Gordon always said

he loved Christmas,

'but the only thing

he truly loved was himself.'

l'm completely above this.

This is just pointless. Elf!

lt's my last elf.

l could at least be Father Christmas.

Look at her.

- l can't do this any more.

- You're really good, though.

There's no control being an actor.

You're doing other people's ideas.

- l agree.

- l'd rather be in control.

l don't know,

like directing, producing.

- l think you should consider that.

- l will.

That's why l'm going to train

as a primary school teacher.

Shh.

Give it three years and if you're

as bad as you are now, give up.

Try. Those who can't act, teach.

(Both) And those who can't teach,

teach primary.

- Who says that?

- lt's a truism.

A truism?

Five, six, seven, eight.

(Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus...

(Paul) 'And so that's what l did,

l became a teacher,

'and Jennifer

seemed really proud of me.

'As l was of her, when she went

to Hollywood and became a producer.

'Gordon became a teacher at

the best private school in the city.

'Every Christmas,

'his productions of the nativity won

the five-star review in the local paper.'

Gordon Shakespeare's

three-colour trilogy

has redefined nativity

with its rainbow of talent

that hangs over the city of Coventry

like a blessed beacon.

'Five stars.

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

What a performance!

'Paul Maddens' nativity was abysmal.'

Minus two stars.

(Paul) 'And that's when

l decided l hated Christmas.'

((JACKSON 5:

"Santa Claus ls Coming To Town")

(Santa Claus is coming to town

(You'd better watch out

You'd better not cry...

Sit down! Oli, that's you

in detention for the week.

TJ, that's you in detention

for the week,

and also, TJ, that's your parents

coming into school tomorrow.

(Santa Claus is coming to town... (

- Who is going to win the 5-star review?

- Us, us, us!

Us, us, us! Us, us, us!

Us, us, us! Yeah!

- Who can spell me Bethlehem? Go.

- B-E-L-E...

No, next. Oli.

B-E-L-T...

No! TJ?

- B-E-L-E...

- No!

Good morning, boys and girls.

Good morning, Mrs Bevan!

Here we are on the run-up to Christmas.

- Yes!

- lsn't that exciting?

Now, last year,

Mrs Spink did the nativity play,

and, if you remember,

she got a bit upset

and she started shouting and crying

and some of you, l remember,

were crying with her.

So, we are going to have to find

a new person,

and this year, to make the best

nativity play that has ever, ever been,

is Mr Maddens. Yes!

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year...

Ooh.

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

(We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

(And a happy New Year

(Happy New Year... (

You have the talent,

you have the training.

Mrs Bevan, l did a three-year course

in drama many moons ago.

- l wasn't very good.

- Yes, l know. Let's move on from there.

When are you going

to start the casting?

These children are literally useless.

l am literally useless.

Please don't make me do this.

Think about Oakmoor. Think about

how they always steal all the reviews.

We agreed four years ago

that after my disastrous attempt to direct

the nativity, l wouldn't do it again.

Make this a good one, make this

a fabulous last nativity play for me,

and then l retire and you won't

have to put up with me any more.

Oh, and you've got a classroom

assistant starting today some time.

- Thank you.

- That will help with the stress.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Tell us, clearly, what happened at

Christmas, if you think you're so clever.

Joseph got together with Mary and then

Mary went to Bethlehem to have a baby.

She has a baby, Jesus.

A couple of years later, about 30 years

later, he dies on the cross and then...

Go and sit down. That was almost

blasphemy, what you've just done.

Here's to a five-star review

of the St Bernadette's nativity

directed by Paul Maddens.

- Cheers.

- Cheers!

(Laughter)

- (Rhythmic clapping)

- (When Susie was a child

(A child Susie was

(She said, "Miss! Miss! l can't get this!

l got my knickers in a right old twist!"

(When... (

- Who are you?

- Mr Poppy.

- What are you doing here, Mr Poppy?

- Oh, l'm your teaching assistant.

Please try and keep it neat.

Dan, are you having a bit of trouble?

- How are you getting on, Fraser?

- Fine, thanks.

Mm-hm. You don't have to put

your hand up to talk to me.

l thought we were supposed

to be doing a play.

- We are.

- Everyone's sitting around...

Yes, but this isn't

the rehearsal for the play.

This is still a creative writing class.

lt's a different thing.

- Who wants to do a play?

- (Paul) Excuse me, excuse me!

- Just move the tables to one side.

- No, keep the tables where you are!

Alfie! Alfie, TJ, just put the tables back.

The next person to move their table

will be in detention for the entire term.

- (Bell rings)

- Sit down!

- (Children shouting)

- Stripy scarf, whose is this?

(Shouting and laughter)

- Mr Poppy! Come in now, Mr Poppy.

- l've been tigged.

Come in now.

Get inside, please. l've told you before!

- Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!

- Children, please, go away.

- Poppy! Poppy!

- Just carry on playing.

Mr Poppy! Mr Poppy!

Mr Poppy!

Shh-chh-chh!

- Furzz-oop.

- l just wanted to check something.

Can l just say l've really enjoyed

today, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

- You haven't done this before.

- l've done stuff like it.

- Classroom assistant?

- No.

l just wanted to check that.

l'll see you tomorrow at 08.15?

- Do you want a sausage sizzler?

- Sorry?

Young's, the newsagent

by Fiveheads Road,

they do these sausages with tomato

ketchup in a roll with a sausage.

They're 1 .50. Do you want to share

one and we could hang out at the park?

l'll introduce you to Tom, Stinky Tom.

He's funny.

l'm a bit busy. l shan't be doing that

tonight. Thank you.

See you later.

Fzz-shwoosh!

(Can't you see it's gonna be

A merry, merry Christmas

(A merry, merry Christmas

For all good girls and boys... (

(Dog whines)

Come here, baby. Hello.

Ooh! Right on me kippers. Ooh!

Cracker! Cracker, you hardly know me!

Cracker! Cracker!

Where are you going, you mental dog?

(Hums a tune)

Cracker... (ln Nazareth...

Or... (ln Nazareth...

l think low. Bark for high.

- (Barks)

- Bark for low.

- (Whines)

- Suit yourself.

Cracker.

Cracker. Cracker, come here.

(Thud)

Help me, Mr Maddens!

Rate this script:3.8 / 4 votes