Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #2

---

TO BE COMFY."

THE MORMON CHURCH SPEN $20 MILLION

LAST YEAR IN THE STATE

OF CALIFORNIA:

MAKING SURE QUEERS

DIDN'T LEGALLY GET MARRIED--

SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.

SO I GUESS WE'RE NOT AS LIBERAL

AS WE ALL THOUGHT.

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAY

TO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON

THAT'S SO TERRIFIED

OF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL.

JUST BECAUSE THE STATE

SAYS IT'S LEGAL,

IT'S NOT LIKE GOD'S GONNA

LET 'EM INTO HEAVEN.

OKAY?

SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUND

EVERY NIGH KNOWING THA GOAL LINE DEFENSE

IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATES

JUST GOING,

"YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

YOU'RE NOT GETTING

IN HERE, [bleep]!"

[grunts]

[laughter and applause]

DO YOU REMEMBER:

THE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN?

IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAME

RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL,

UH, AND, UH,

SHE'D BE LIKE, "MOMMY,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAID

WHEN I GET OLDER

I CAN MARRY A PRINCESS

IF I WANT TO."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?"

[laughter]

AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

IS LIKE,

"WHOA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

TALK TO OUR KIDS?

SORRY, QUEERS.

NOPE."

YEAH.

THAT'S ESPERANZA'S JOB.

[cheers and applause]

SO I WANNA HIRE:

THE SAME LITTLE GIRL

TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR ME

IN THE STATE OF UTAH,

AND I WANT HER TO COME

RUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

HOW COME YOU'RE

NINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?"

YEAH.

BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH,

AND THIS DOESN'T ADD UP.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

MOMMY--"

SHE'S CALLING OU TO ALL OF HER MOTHERS.

AND THEY START COMING

OUT OF THE CABINETS

IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON

THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS

TRYING TO EXPLAIN

HOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE.

COMPARED TO WHO,

THE AMISH?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON

THAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING

ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH?

[laughter]

ARE THEY NO A CONSTANT REMINDER

OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE

WITHOUT ALL THIS

GREAT TECHNOLOGY?

EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACK

AND CONSERVE:

ON NATURAL RESOURCES,

I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH

AND I'M LIKE,

"HO, HO, [bleep] THAT.

FILL IT UP. FILL IT UP."

NO, NO.

I'M NOT GONNA RIDE AROUND

IN A BUGGY.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE

A FOUR-CYLINDER.

BUT I WOULD LIKE

A FIRELESS FIREPLACE.

I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU DID IT, AMISH.

APPARENTLY, YOU PARTNERED UP

WITH THE WICCANS

BECAUSE THAT IS MAGICAL.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY'S

IN THE TOILE WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD

FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.

APPARENTLY,

BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.

DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHA I'M EVEN TALKING ABOU AT THIS POINT?

THE AMISH,

THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE

THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.

THERE'S NO FIRE,

BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.

I ASSUME THERE'S

A HAMSTER IN THERE

LOSING HIS MIND.

IT'S NO SNUGGIE,

BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.

YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME

A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.

HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU.

I ENJOY IT.

[laughter]

YEAH. HUH.

I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.

FINALLY, A BLANKE THAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,

I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE HAVING

A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO

KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.

THE PERFECT PRESSURE.

WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIF IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED,

WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE,

WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW I COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES

AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.

THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.

WHERE THE HELL IS

THE REST OF MY GIFT?

YEAH.

YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS,

OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE

AND RIPPING 3/4 OF

YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.

NOT BIG BEN.

YEAH.

BEN SHOULDN'T BE

IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

[laughter and applause]

SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS,

UH, BRETT FAVRE--

I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM

SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.

BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR

TO PLAY A GAME.

"YEAH,

I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."

"HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD

THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."

"YOU SAID $12 MILLION,

RIGHT?

YEAH, THEY CAN GO

[bleep] THEMSELVES."

[laughter and applause]

I WOULD NEVER QUIT,

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?

HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

TO BE A STARTER,

BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP

IN THE NFL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?

ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.

"UH, YEP,

I'M GONNA DO THAT."

HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS?

NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.

BUT HE COULD BE:

ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?

ABOUT $850,000.

"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THA AS WELL.

I'LL PLAY FOREVER."

IT'D MAKE THE GAME

MORE ENJOYABLE:

IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWED

TO RETIRE.

ATHLETES:

DON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.

SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD

RETURN A PUNT,

LIKE, "OH..."

HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,

HE DIES ON THE FIELD

WITH SOME HONOR.

YEAH.

AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.

IT DOES.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.

BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAY

FROM BEING SOCCER.

YEAH.

AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER,

WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.

SEE, OUR COUNTRY

ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT,

SO WATCHING PEOPLE

CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS

TO END ZERO-ZERO

IS NOT ENJOYABLE

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE

AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.

[cheers and applause]

BASEBALL.

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH

A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.

LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.

DON'T WORRY

ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.

FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR

THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,

A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYS

HAVE JUICED UP,

SO THE PLAYING FIELD

IS PLENTY EVEN.

WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISK

NEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME,

SURE,

AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE

NEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.

GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS

BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE

WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?

EXCUSE ME?

WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?

WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK

ABOUT THAT?

[cheers and applause]

OH.

I'D LOVE TO KNOW

HOW MANY HOMERS:

THE BABE WOULD HAVE HI HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM

92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.

YEAH.

MAYBE THE FAT BOY

WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN

AND QUIT POINTING

HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM

90 MILES TO THROW HIM

A JUNK BALL.

DON'T WORRY

IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.

90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE

FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,

JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME

FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,

AND A JUNK BALL'S

AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH

TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEP FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,

WHICH IS A JOKE.

THE POINT...

IS THE RECORD BOOKS

MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFEREN HAD OUR COUNTRY

NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.

THAT'S ALL.

AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,

YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO

[bleep] ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

WHY NOT?

SCREW THEM.

THEY WERE A BUNCH

OF RACIST [bleep] PIGS

WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.

I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE

SIGNING:

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,

THEY SHOT EACH OTHER

A GLANCE.

"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

[laughs sarcastically]

NOW GET ME:

SOME HOT COFFEE, BOY."

[laughter]

OH...

AT LEAST WE'RE NOT WOMEN,

RIGHT, FELLAS?

OH, JEEZ.

WHAT IS THAT LIKE?

IS IT HORRIBLE?

IS IT AWFUL...

TO KNOW YOU'RE NUMBER TWO?

BY THE WAY,

THESE AREN'T MY BELIEFS.

IT'S MY OBSERVATIONS

ON THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

IF IT CHANGES,

I'LL ADJUS THE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY.

COOL.

I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRY

TO RATIONALIZE IT.

"NO, IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN.

FREE DRINKS IS WORTH

NOT HAVING EQUALITY."

[laughter]

LISTEN,

YOU'RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY

TO BE NUMBER TWO,

BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA,

IT'S CLOSE, RIGHT?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote