Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #3

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MEN ARE HERE.

WOMEN ARE HERE.

SOME COUNTRIES,

IT'S LIKE THIS

AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.

HO-HO.

THAT IS A BAD COUNTRY

TO BE A WOMAN IN.

DON'T GET LOS IN A HIKE THERE.

YOU'LL END UP ON YOUTUBE

WITHOUT A HEAD,

AND THERE'S NO

WEB REDEMPTION FOR THAT.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH

RECENTLY AT A HIGH SCHOOL,

AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELL

AT ALL.

A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOL KIDS,

PARENTS:

THAT ARE PROUD OF THEM,

AND I'M BELITTLING

THE ENTIRE THING.

AND THE ADMINISTRATION

GOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, UH,

WE DIDN'T KNOW

YOU WEREN'T GONNA

TAKE IT SERIOUSLY."

TO WHICH I REPLIED,

"REALLY?

"YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHERE

I WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS?

HIGH SCHOOL,

HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

[laughter]

NO.

I REFUSE TO GIVE

THAT GENERIC SPEECH.

"AS I LOOK OUT HERE,

I SEE FUTURE LAWYERS

AND DOCTORS."

I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH.

"THERE'S FELONS HERE.

[laughter]

SOME OF YOU WILL DIE

IN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT."

OH, I'M SORRY.

EXPLAIN TO ME:

WHY A DOSE OF REALITY

BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

IS A BAD THING,

BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED

TO PANDER TO THE 1%.

THEY DON'T NEED

MY LITTLE PEP RALLY.

THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

NOBODY'S BEEN A PILE OF [bleep]

THEIR ENTIRE LIFE

AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND

BECAUSE OF:

THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

EXCUSE ME?

NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED.

"SO YOU'RE SAYING

I CAN BE ANYTHING?

"OH, YEAH,

THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN

"WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

I LIKE THIS GUY."

DON'T YOU LOVE I WHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE,

"I'M A BAD TEST TAKER."

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STUPID.

[laughter]

OH, YOU STRUGGLE

WITH THAT PAR WHERE WE FIND OU WHAT YOU KNOW?

OH.

NO, NO,

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.

SEE, BECAUSE

I'M A BRILLIANT PAINTER

MINUS MY GOD-AWFUL

BRUSHSTROKES.

OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECE

IS CRYSTAL UP HERE,

BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS,

I DEVELOP PARKINSON'S.

[laughter]

I APOLOGIZE IF THERE'S

A PARKINSON'S PAINTER HERE

THIS EVENING.

I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORK

IS IN THE A.M.

PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRAC BY NOON.

[laughter]

HANG IN THERE,

IT GETS WORSE.

[laughter and applause]

YOU EVER HEAR:

THIS EXPRESSION?

"THE WORST DAY OF FISHING

IS BETTER THAN:

THE BEST DAY AT WORK."

UH, I'LL CALL B.S.

[laughter]

I'VE WATCHED THE DEADLIEST CATCH

ON DISCOVERY.

I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN

AT WORK,

CAPSIZED:

INTO 40-DEGREE WATER,

WATCHED:

ALL MY COWORKERS DIE

AND BE LIKE, "HEY,

AT LEAS WE'RE [bleep] FISHIN'."

HUH?

AM I RIGHT, CRIMINALS?

I MEAN, CREW?

[applause]

"THERE'S NO EXCUSE

FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."

IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.

[laughs]

I MEAN, DOES EVERYTHING

HAVE TO BE SO BLACK AND WHITE

IN THIS KINDERGARTEN COUNTRY

OF OURS?

"THERE'S NO EXCUSE."

WHAT IF YOU COME HOME

FROM A LONG DAY AT WORK

AND YOUR WIFE HAS DROWNED

TWO OF YOUR KIDS?

SHE'S ABOUT TO DUNK

THE THIRD ONE.

CAN YOU RUN OVER

AND POP HER THEN?

"UNFORTUNATELY, NO.

THERE'S NO EXCUSE.

GONNA HAVE TO LET HER

DROWN THAT THIRD ONE."

WHAT IF YOU ASK HER

TO DVR THE GAME,

BUT SHE FORGETS TO RECORD

THE HALF-HOUR SHOW AFTERWARDS

JUST IN CASE:

IT GOES INTO OVERTIME?

THE POINT IS:

THERE'S A GRAY AREA.

YEAH.

AND I'M PRETTY SURE

MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MINE

ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO.

I ASKED HER TO RECORD

THE GAME ON ESPN,

WHICH SHE DID,

BUT NOT ESPN HD.

AND THEN SHE SAYS,

"WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL

GET TO WATCH IT."

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, I PAY EXTRA MONEY

SO I CAN WATCH TV

LIKE POOR PEOPLE.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD

FOR CHEATING ON YOU

THIS WEEKEND.

[audience ohs]

WE HAVE A RULE IN MY HOUSE.

IF I'M ASHAMED,

IT DOESN'T COUNT.

YOU GOTTA PLOW A FOUR

TO APPRECIATE AN EIGHT.

[laughter]

THAT'S MY MANTRA.

YEAH.

I'LL COME HOME FROM

A ROAD TRIP AND BE LIKE,

"YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."

SHE'S LIKE,

"OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN

WITH A PIG THIS WEEKEND."

I DON'T CHEAT ON HER.

IT'S A JOKE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,

I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND.

I...

HATE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,

BUT I'M FAITHFUL.

THAT'S THE RULE.

YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

TO WORK,

YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL.

UH, TIGER WOODS,

JESSE JAMES,

THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOVE

THAT SIMPLE RULE.

THEY'RE NOT.

NOBODY IS.

AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN I TO WOMEN EITHER, LIKE--

MY GIRLFRIEND'LL BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS,

LIKE, YOU REALLY WANNA

HOOK UP WITH SOME SKANK?"

OH, OH, WHOA.

IT'S NO YOU VERSUS SKANK, HONEY.

IT'S YOU VERSUS EVERY SKANK.

DO YOU SEE HOW:

THE SCALE SHIFTS

IN THE OTHER DIRECTION

AT THAT POINT?

IT'S LIKE, SHE'S

A MIGHTY SPARTAN WARRIOR.

BUT THERE'S

ALL THESE PERSIAN WHORES...

THAT WILL EVENTUALLY

KILL HER.

[laughter]

SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

[laughter]

I HATE TATTOOS.

THAT BEING SAID,

I HAVE A FEW.

EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY,

I GET A SMALL DASH

ON MY INNER THIGH

WHERE MY BALLS:

CURRENTLY HANG.

[laughter]

YOU CAN'T TELL ME

THAT'S NOT GONNA BE

A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF AR WHEN IT'S FINISHED.

MY GRANDKIDS:

ARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS,

THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

ARE THESE THINGS?"

I'M LIKE,

"IT'S YOUR FUTURE.

READ THE CHART."

THEY DON'T STOP GROWING.

THEY'RE LIKE EARLOBES.

[laughter]

THAT JOKE WAS INSPIRED

BY A DOOR THAT WASN'T LOCKED

WHEN I WAS 11.

[laughter]

HOW ABOU THOSE WINTER OLYMPICS?

THEY WERE EXCITING,

WEREN'T THEY?

FINALLY,

WE GOT TO FIGURE OU WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWN

A HILL FASTER.

NOT GEORGIA.

[audience ohs]

OOH.

OH, I'M SORRY.

BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU,

HERE IN SAN FRAN?

TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY,

DON'T YOU?

THE WINTER OLYMPICS

ARE POINTLESS.

I'LL SAY IT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I ASSUME THE ONLY REASON

WE HAVE THEM:

IS SO WHITE PEOPLE

FEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS,

BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT,

THE ONLY THING:

THE WINTER OLYMPICS

SHOW ME IS:

WHICH COUNTRY:

HAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS?

WHAT'S IT COST TO GO SKIING?

$900 A DAY?

"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT'S NOT MORE POPULAR

IN THE INNER CITIES."

HMM.

"HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAY

BASKETBALL TODAY?"

"NO, MAN, I'M GOING

TO BRECKENRIDGE."

"OH.

"LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH.

LATRELL'S GOING

TO BRECKENRIDGE."

[laughter]

I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES,

FOR THAT MATTER.

I JUST DON'T WANT PARENTS

TO BE REWARDED:

FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS

TO FORFEI THEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

PERFECTING A SPOR NO ONE CARES ABOU FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHS

AT A TIME,

THEN FOR ONE MONTH,

I GOT TO AC AS IF THE VAULT AFFECTS

MY PATRIOTISM.

IT DOESN'T.

I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMP

AND RIB CAGE IT.

YEAH.

DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY.

ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER,

ASK YOUR MOM WHY

YOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3",

AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYS

HAMMERTOE'S A DEAL BREAKER.

I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET,

MARY LOU.

THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

[cheers and applause]

AND HOW BAD IS THA MEDAL CEREMONY?

UGH. IT'S HORRIBLE.

I HATE OUR [bleep] ANTHEM.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DO ANY OF YOU HAVE I ON YOUR iPOD?

"WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"

"OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

"I LOVE IT.

IT JUST REALLY GETS ME

JAZZED UP."

I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY.

IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS,

OH-HO-HO,

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,

BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM'S

GONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG

JUST SO:

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