Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #4

---

BRONZE AND SILVER GO,

"WHAT THE [bleep]?

HOW LONG IS THIS?"

IT'S LIKE,

"KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS.

"YOU'RE BEING

VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

THERE'S A NINE-MINUTE

GUITAR SOLO COMING."

"WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?"

[laughter]

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING

IN THIS COUNTRY--

THAT MICHAEL PHELPS

FELL FROM THE GRACES

FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA

OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TO

A SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

SWIMMING?

YOU MEAN THAT THING

YOU INSTINCTIVELY DO

BEFORE YOU DIE?

"YEAH, BUT HE'S REALLY FAST.

IT'S...

IT'S PRETTY HEROIC."

THE FIRST THING:

MICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE

WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OU WAS CALL

KOBE BRYANT'S PUBLICIST,

BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSED

OF RAPE.

AND ALL HE HAD TO DO

WAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COUR FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,

CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER,

WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,

AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A.

COULDN'T BE PROUDER.

YEAH, I JUST HOPE

WHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS

RUN AROUND:

IN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS,

THEY HAVE THE DECENCY

TO BE LIKE,

"OH, COME ON.

NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST.

[laughter]

"24 JUST HAS

A GREAT WORK ETHIC.

AND AN UNBLOCKABLE

TURNAROUND."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- KANGAROOS

CAN'T HOP BACKWARDS.

IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY,

BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.

I DON'T CARE

HOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT,

YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.

YOU'LL BE IN AUSTRALIA

NINE YEARS FROM NOW.

YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKED

BY A KANGAROO,

AND YOU'LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL,

"GET BEHIND HIM.

"WAIT, HOW DID I KNOW

TO SAY THAT?

"HOW DID I KNOW

TO SAY THAT?

"AM I A WIZARD?

"HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN

A WIZARD?

WELL, THEN WHY DON' I HAVE A DEMON?"

[scattered laughter]

I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS.

I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME.

I'D GIVE 'EM FACTS.

THEY'D BE SILLY.

LIKE, BABIES AREN' DISHWASHER-SAFE.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS.

"WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS?

"WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEP

ONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER,

"THEY'RE DOING A GOOD THING

OVER THERE.

THANKS, SUMMER PEACH."

I PREFER THE TEAS.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION

OF JOHNNY DEPP:

BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSE

AT NIGHT.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

JOHNNY DEPP'S 48 YEARS OLD.

I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS.

"HOLD ON, GUYS,

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

"I HAVE TO PUT ON

ANOTHER BRACELET.

"I ONLY HAVE SIX ON.

I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT.

"I KNOW

YOU'RE IN A HURRY,

"BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SURE

MY BELT IS ASKEW

"AND MY HANDKERCHIEF

IS JUST SO,

BECAUSE I'M ALMOST 50,

AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES."

COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF.

AND MY VOTE IS 48.

I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD.

I DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE

ALTERNATE ENDINGS.

THEY'RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT.

THEY'RE JUST LONGER,

A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS,

AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERAL

PUBLIC COULDN'T HANDLE.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME

ALTERNATE ENDINGS,

YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY.

LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKS

WITH MY NEPHEW.

YEAH, WE WATCHED

THE ALTERNATE ENDING

WHERE THEY LOSE:

THE HOCKEY GAME.

THEN THEY GO BACK

TO THE LOCKER ROOM.

THEY START DOING BLOW

AND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER.

EMILIO'S DEAD IN THE SHOWER.

YOU'RE LIKE,

"HOLY COW. WHOA.

"DID YOU SEE

THE ALTERNATE ENDING?

"NO, NO, NO, THEY WEN "IN A COMPLETELY DIFFEREN DIRECTION.

"I THINK DISNEY WAS SMAR WITH THE ORIGINAL.

THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS A

LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS."

THAT'S DISNEY,

ALWAYS SNEAKING IN

SUBLIMINAL STUFF IN OUR MOVIES.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A PENIS

ON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX?

YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIEL

FOR SIX MONTHS:

AND NOT PU A [bleep] SOMEWHERE.

GOD, I LOVE THAT FISH HALF.

LIBERAL.

A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLED

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY,

WHICH IS SAD,

BUT IT HAPPENS,

NOT USUALLY IN WHITE

NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS.

I THINK THERE'S A PIE CHAR THAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE.

SMALL SLIVER, SAFER.

SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREE WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEEN

COMPLAINING FOR YEARS

THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST.

SO REACTIVE IN NATURE

AS EVERYONE IS,

AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,

THEY HAD A BUNCH

OF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN.

AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, WHA A HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY

TO REMEMBER EVERY TIME

THEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD."

BA-BOOM.

[whimpers]

"NATALIE!

"YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOU

SO MUCH.

"BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOING

A NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION.

"NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOU

WE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR.

"EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE,

SHE MAKES US FIGHT.

GOOD RIDDANCE."

YEAH, YOU SEE

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

IN THE BEGINNING

OF THIS MADE-UP STORY,

YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY.

NOW, AT THE END,

YOU REALIZE:

THEY WEREN'T FIT PARENTS

TO BEGIN WITH.

WE'VE ALL GROWN.

LET'S MOVE ON

TO SOME NONFICTION.

DO YOU REMEMBER:

WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLED

AT SIX FLAGS,

HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF

BY THE ROLLER COASTER?

OH, MAN, THE FIRST THING

THAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND

WAS, "WOW, HOW AM I GONNA

MAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?"

HERE GOES.

IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER

THE STORY,

HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP.

HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

HIS HAT BLEW OFF.

AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER,

HE'S LIKE,

"I'M GONNA GO GET MY HAT."

AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCE

WITH SIGNS ON I THAT PROBABLY SAID,

"HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES."

AND HE'S LIKE,

"WHAT?

"HAVE YOU SEEN ME

IN THAT HAT?

NOT TODAY, FENCE."

AND HE WENT OVER IT.

AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCE

WITH MORE SIGNS.

LIKE,

"COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF."

HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME

HOW TO LIVE, SIGNS."

AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE.

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE,

THE STORY ENDS.

DID HE GET THE HAT?

I'D LIKE TO THINK HE DID.

RIGHT?

A SMALL SILVER LINING.

LIKE, "I TOLD YOU

I'D GET IT."

AND THEN WHACK,

RIGHT THEN.

AND I KNOW:

HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP,

AND THEY DON'T BELIEVE

IN EVOLUTION,

BUT THAT KID WAS GETTING

PICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER.

YEAH.

[laughter and applause]

AND IF I WERE:

A FAMILY MEMBER,

I'D SAY 15 YEARS

WAS A PRETTY GOOD RUN.

BUT THEN AGAIN,

I'M HALF FULL.

THE REAL STORY, WHICH NOBODY

TALKS ABOUT UNTIL NOW,

IS HOW HE WAS DECAPITATED.

IT WAS:

A SUSPENSION ROLLER COASTER.

A YOUNG LADY,

25 YEARS OLD,

HER LEG:

IS WHAT DECAPITATED HIM.

SHATTERED HER LEG

IN OVER EIGHT PLACES.

SHE HAD TO HAVE THREE SURGERIES

AND WEAR A CAST FOR OVER A YEAR.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER WORN

A CAST OR NOT,

BUT EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER

WILL COME UP TO YOU

AND BE LIKE,

"HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR LEG?"

[laughter]

SHE GETS TO BE LIKE,

"I [bleep] PUNTED A GUY'S HEAD

"90 YARDS.

YEAH.

TOP THAT, JANIKOWSKI."

OH, FINALLY A RAIDER REFERENCE

THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SUCKING.

[cheers and applause]

PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME

I HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

I ASSUME IT'S RELATIVE.

WHO ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO?

CARROT TOP?

THEN, YEAH,

I'M A LITTLE BLUE.

TO MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS,

I'M TAME.

MY SISTER'S OFF THE CHARTS.

I PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES

ON HER CONSTANTLY, THOUGH.

I GOT HER SO GOOD

A FEW WEEKS AGO.

I REPLACED HER PEPPER SPRAY

WITH SILLY STRING.

ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT,

SHE GOT RAPED,

AND SHE CALLED ME

THE NEXT DAY,

GOING, "YOU SON OF A B*TCH.

"YOU GOT ME SO GOOD.

"NO, NO, NO, NO,

AS SOON:

"AS I STARTED SPRAYING HIM

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote