Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #5

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IN THE FACE.

"I'M LIKE, 'DANIEL.

THIS IS GONNA REALLY HURT.'"

[singsong]

HOT POCKET.

THAT'S HOW THAT JOKE ENDS.

I HAD ANOTHER COMIC FRIEND

OF MINE FINISH IT.

I HATE RAIN.

I UNDERSTAND:

THE NECESSITY FOR IT.

BUT WHEN I WALK OUTSIDE,

I PREFER IT TO BE SUNNY.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE CALIFORNIA

SO MUCH.

OH, AND I THINK

IT'S BECAUSE I WEAR A 35 INSEAM

WHEN I'M CLEARLY A 34.

BUT I'VE ALWAYS LIKED

MY PANTS LONG IN THE BACK.

I LIKE 'EM TO HIT THE GROUND,

NATURALLY FRAY OVER TIME,

BUT WHEN IT RAINS, OH.

AM I RIGHT?

THE FRAY GETS WET,

THEN THE PANT LEG

GOES UP MUCH HIGHER

THAN ANYTHING:

I EVER STEPPED IN.

I JUST LOOK DOWN.

I'M LIKE, AAGH!

IS THIS WHAT THE PEOPLE

IN NEW ORLEANS WENT THROUGH?

BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL.

HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THAT BAD,

MAYBE I WOULD HAVE HELPED.

NEXT TIME,

'TRINA 2, I'M YOUR SAVIOR.

DO THEY NAME STORMS

LIKE SEQUELS IN MOVIES?

BECAUSE THEY SHOULD.

'TRINA 2:

GOD'S STILL CRYING.

YOU WANT HELP, DON'T INVES IN PROPERTY VALUE

THAT'S BELOW SEA LEVEL.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME

I'M A BLEEDING-HEART LIBERAL.

WHAT?

I'M CONSERVATIVE

ON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES.

I HATE THE POOR.

I'VE SAID THAT FOREVER.

"WE NEED HELP."

YEAH, WE'VE HEARD.

AND SOME OF YOU KNOW

I HAVE A CHARITY,

BUT I DID THA FOR TAX PURPOSES.

IF YOU'RE NO FAMILIAR WITH IT,

IT'S CALLED

FEBREZING THE HOMELESS.

[laughter]

NO, IT'S NO WHAT SOME OF YOU THINK.

WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND,

AND I FEBREZE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IS THAT WHA YOU THOUGHT IT WAS?

WELL, THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.

IT'S NICE.

WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO?

THE GUY THAT SMELLS

LIKE LIQUID GARBAGE

OR OCEAN BREEZE?

IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT RAIN

ON NUMBER TWO.

MAKE IT RAIN.

"THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY,

FOR CONTINUING:

TO KEEP WOMEN:

IN THEIR PLACE,"

HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S WHEN

YOU THROW CASH ON THE HOS.

I CAME UP:

WITH MY OWN EXPRESSION.

I LIKE TO MAKE IT HAIL.

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOU

THROW CHANGE ON SLUTS.

[imitates whooshing]

"OW!

ARE THOSE NICKELS?"

"YEAH.

IT'S A DOWN ECONOMY.

I'M A BALLER

ON A BUDGET, B*TCH."

YOU SEE THAT?

YOU SEE THAT?

KEEP AN OPEN HAND.

THAT'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON.

I DON'T KNOW

IF THAT'S TRUE...

JUST IN CASE:

ANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGH AND DECIDES TO BEA THE [bleep] OUT OF THEIR--

"I KEPT AN OPEN HAND.

YOUR HONOR,

THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED..."

SOME ISSUES:

I GO A LITTLE LEFT ON.

I HEART ABORTION.

FINE.

WHERE'S THAT T-SHIRT,

URBAN OUTFITTERS?

I'LL BUY ONE.

LARGE, PRESHRUNK,

COTTON-POLY BLEND,

OVERPRICED,

BUT VERY SOFT.

JUST SAYS "I HEART ABORTION."

NOT A REGULAR HEART,

AN UNBORN FETUS HEAR THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT.

LOOK AT IT.

WHAT, IT'S OKAY FOR THEM

TO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD,

SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID'S FACE

THAT'S MAKING

THE TOUGHEST DECISION

OF HER LIFE,

BUT I EMBRACE I AND I'M THE A-HOLE?

GOT IT.

WHAT'S THE BACK

OF THE SHIRT SAY?

"PROBLEM SOLVED."

IT SAYS, "GO BACK

TO BEING SELFISH.

"YOUR LIFE'S NOT OVER

JUST YET.

"DON'T HAVE TO TAKE

ALL THOSE FAILED DREAMS

AND CRAM 'EM DOWN

SOMEBODY ELSE'S THROAT."

BACK OF THE SHIRT'S LONG.

PEOPLE MAY BUMP INTO YOU,

LIKE, "SORRY, I WAS READING

THAT HORRIBLE SHIRT.

WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?"

"SARAH PALIN'S HOUSE."

[laughter]

SPEAKING OF AWFUL PARENTS,

JOE JACKSON DESERVES

A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD.

HOLY COW.

I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACTED SHOCKED

THAT MICHAEL DIED.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

MICHAEL WAS ON BORROWED TIME

AS SOON:

AS HE SWITCHED RACES.

DON'T ACT SO SAD

OVER HIS DEATH.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

THERE'S A REASON--

THERE'S A REASON

HIS REUNION TOUR WAS IN LONDON.

NOBODY IN AMERICA WANTS

TO WATCH A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN

SCOOT BACKWARDS.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- I WAS MAKING LOVE

TO THIS GIRL RECENTLY.

LET'S SAY SHE'S 19.

THERE'S NO BOUNCER

IN MY BEDROOM.

YOU'RE IN.

SHE SAYS TO ME:

DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

"HEY, DANIEL, WHAT'S IT LIKE

HAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?"

I'M LIKE,

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

WE NEED TIME MACHINES.

WHAT I SAID:

WAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC.

I SAID, "OH.

IT'S A LOT LIKE PICKING UP

DOG [bleep] WITH A BAG,"

WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINK

NOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY.

LIKE, YOU KNOW

THERE'S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND,

BUT YOU DON'T FREAK OUT.

[laughter]

[applause]

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT AT NIGH AND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN,

I LIKE TO WALK UP TO 'EM

AND PRETEND THAT I'M A JUDGE

AT A DOG SHOW.

AND I JUST GO,

"MM.

"THIRD, SECOND, FIRST...

IN THAT ORDER!"

[applause]

THEY LOVE IT.

THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED.

THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME

GETTING READY.

THERE'S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THA WOULDN'T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGH WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON.

HER FRIEND'S LIKE, "WHERE DID

YOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?"

"OH, SOME GUY AT THE BAR

THOUGHT I WON."

"KATIE DIDN'T EVEN PLACE.

I KNOW.

IT'S CRAZY."

IF I SEE:

A REALLY HOT CHICK,

I'LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCH

AND THE THROA AND BE LIKE,

"BEST IN SHOW."

LITTLE HEAVY.

SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONE

FROM THE TOY GROUP.

BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, OKAY?

JUST NOT TO ME.

I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.

FRESHMAN 15'S

NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.

OKAY?

WE'RE TOO FAT.

WE'RE JUST TOO FAT.

I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY

THAT WAS DELAYED

OVER THREE HOURS AT THE GATE

BECAUSE THEY RAN OU OF SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW

WHAT SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS ARE?

SEAT BELTS ONLY GO THIS BIG.

[laughter]

SOME PEOPLE NEED

AN EXTRA 6 1/2 FEET OF NYLON

TO STRAP IN,

AS IF ANY COLLISION

WOULD UNWEDGE THEM.

I LOVE THAT THE MODELING

INDUSTRY GETS ATTACKED

FOR BEING TOO SKINNY.

REALLY, AMERICA?

YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG?

MM-MM.

IS SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH?

MM-MM.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY SAY THAT--

THAT MODELS ARE TOO SKINNY?

IT'S BECAUSE

PARENTS ARE HORRIBLE.

THEY CAN'T TELL

THEIR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

THAT SHE'S NOT REALLY

A PRINCESS.

WELL, GUESS WHAT.

I CAN.

IF YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD

AND YOU THINK:

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU

AND GISELE IS YOUR WAISTLINE

AND NOT YOUR BUSTED FACE...

HERE'S SOME ADVICE--

FILL UP THE PAXIL,

BECAUSE LIFE IS GONNA BE

REALLY SAD.

IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND

LIKE, "WELL, WHY AM I

NOT A SUPERMODEL YET?"

WHO ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT,

SEABISCUIT?

"OH, I WANT TO BE A MODEL."

DO YOU WANT ME:

TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?

LET'S START WITH YOUR JAWLINE.

THAT'S NOT GONNA SELL A LO OF MAKEUP IN THE MAGAZINES.

"BUT I'M SKINNY."

YOU ARE A TROLL.

MY ADVICE,

HAVE A TWINKIE,

GET REAL GOOD AT MATH,

BECAUSE LIFE:

IS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR YOU.

I'M SORRY

IF THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL,

BUT BEING AN UGLY WOMAN

IS LIKE BEING A MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK.

YEP.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

YOU GUYS.

THANK YOU.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

[cheers and applause]

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