$elfie Shootout

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1

You are unbelievable!

Ooh. Yes.

Mmm.

Yes.

Oh, I want you to be my unicorn.

- Chub!

- Oh, dad!

You're not masturbating all over

yourself again, are you?

I mean, is that any kind

of life to live?

I'm trying to have

some privacy here.

It is my room, for god's sake.

Just get a girlfriend, not that.

I am, dad.

I'm trying to get one.

- That's what I'm doing.

- That's what you're doing?

Well, I got to see

if I like her first.

Besides, didn't I catch you

doing the same exact thing?

Once. One time. And I didn't

like it in the least.

Right.

You didn't like it.

Nope.

Not for me.

Just get a girlfriend, will you?

Oh.

You're the one.

This is on.

It's happening.

- Hi, there.

- Cigarettes.

No. Gum.

- Any kind.

- Is that it?

So just the one gum

and, um, the... vodka?

- Vodka?

- Mm-hmm.

What are you saying?

We don't want any vodka.

We want one gum.

That's all, okay?

We don't drink.

Yeah, we hate it.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, I get it.

Wait. I saw you stuff it

into your purse.

It's that right... oh!

What time do you get off?

What time do you get off, baby?

Any time he wants, I bet.

Ooh!

We close at midnight.

Oh! Unh-unh.

- Make it 11:
30.

- I can do that, yeah.

Make it 11, Amber.

I can't wait that long.

Okay. I can do that, too.

- 'Kay. 11.

- 'Kay.

Okay, 11.

I'm gonna be right here.

Keep the change.

Bye, papi.

Bye.

It smells like perfume!

Dude, do you mind

if I stick around?

Yeah, you should stick around,

'cause this is happening!

Yes!

This is happening.

- Hey, dad.

- Food in the freezer.

- What you got?

- Lasagna,

stuffed green peppers, sandwich.

In the freezer?

No, you idiot, the other side.

Whatever you call that side.

Well, that side's

the refrigerator, dad!

I know that.

Go some potstickers,

had some for lunch.

Excellent.

Mini burger things.

You know what I mean.

You mean sliders?

If that's what you'd call them.

The freezer's empty, dad!

I don't know!

Check the pantry.

Do I have to think

of everything?

Yes?

Come in!

Do I have to do

everything around here?

Holy smoley, bone!

How many times

do I have to tell you?

Just come in.

I'm missing my movie.

I'm sorry, Mr. Moorhead,

but suppose I come in one day

and you're just

walking around naked?

Well, then you'd see

what a real man looks like.

What's with the laptop?

It's for checking stuff out.

What stuff?

Stuff!

- What you doin'?

- Jacking music.

Oh, yeah.

I Jack all my music.

What kind of idiots

pay for that stuff?

Idiots do.

I jacked 15 movies yesterday.

Oh, yeah? Well...

I jacked, like, $10,000 of

software in 45 minutes yesterday.

Big deal. I own all

the software ever made.

Oh, yeah? Well...

I invented jacking,

and in some circles

I'm known as

bone the jackulator.

Maybe you invented jacking,

but I downloaded

the entire Internet!

It's not that big

if you compress it.

Yeah, the Internet is all about

gettin' stuff for free.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, what do you think

happened last night?

- About the babes?

- Yeah. I mean, we were...

Well, the only real explanation

is that they got

hung up somehow.

I mean, maybe...

Maybe they got the flu

or they needed to study

or......

You know,

maybe it's a rain check

kind of situation.

Oh, rain check's good, right?

It means we get the same

exact thing only later.

- Wait. What is this?

- What?

It's an email that says

"young, vulnerable Russian women

just got off the boat."

What's that mean?

It means that they were sailors.

They just got out of the

military, which is a good thing,

because they're probably

really horny.

All right, wait.

"Looking for young American men

for a long or short term

relationship."

Look at her!

Whoa! A babe!

We're doin' this right now.

Here we go.

Okay.

American male...

Looking for a long

or short term relationship

with Russian ex-sailor.

What's the downside?

There isn't one.

- It's her.

- What, already?

In, like, three seconds?

She's hot. I mean, she's

got to be hot or...

- Read it!

- Okay, I am.

"I'm available

as soon as you can meet."

Oh.

Where?

Meet her at McCloud.

Van nuys!

- But what do I do?

- Just meet her.

Meet her and I'll be

your wingman.

You're awesome! Yes!

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna meet her.

- What are you doing?

- The wingman dance.

- What is that?

- It's the wingman dance.

It's kind of awesome.

Can you teach me?

- Yeah. Just flap your arms.

- Flap my arms.

Yeah. Get that chest

involved a little bit.

- I got the chest going!

- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna walk in there

and I'm gonna be like,

"what's up, lady?

I'm... I'm the wingman!"

No, no.

You're not the wingman.

I'm the wingman.

You're the man-man.

Two more "jackuitars."

- Thanks.

- Can I get you anything else?

- Uh, we're good.

- Yeah.

Great.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go

sit over there.

I think it's better

if we're not together.

- 'Kay.

- Yeah.

Now, just watch my back,

'cause in case, you know,

it's a scam

or an attempted

strong-arm robbery, 'Kay?

- 'Kay.

- Got it. Boom.

All right, I got this.

Whew. Oh!

I forgot my drink.

- Oh, yeah.

- Thank you.

Yeah, it's good.

Good choice.

I got this. All right.

Here we go.

- Chub?

- Yes?

It's me,

your Russian dream girl.

Oh.

So happy!

I don't exactly recognize you.

Easy mistake. So easy.

So happy you came.

You like to come, chub,

don't you?

You like that a lot.

You are the kind of man

that can come and come.

There's a problem going on here.

There was you in the email,

and then there's...

You in person.

Why talk about such

meaningless things, chub?

Why?

I want you to enjoy me.

Okay.

But first...

We must make

the normal arrangements.

- Arrangements?

- Yes.

I must hear your specific needs

so I can give you a fair price.

I don't get it.

You know,

it's like buying a car.

You want automatic transmission?

It costs more.

You want big strong engine?

It's more.

It's only fair.

Now, tell me.

- Uh-oh.

- I give...

It's my father.

I got to...

He just calls

and he has no respect at all.

At such important moments

like this?

So you ran out of beer,

and stuffed peppers

and some lasagna.

The teeny tiny little burnt...

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

Mm.

Man, I got some

really, really bad,

- out of the blue news.

- What is that, my chub?

My dad, he needs a few things

from the grocery store

and he's not good at waiting,

so I'm just gonna...

- I'm gonna...

- No...

- No, I'm gonna go.

- No! Wait.

There's time for quickie.

Whew! No. No, no, no.

No quickie.

I'm good.

- But...

- Nothing else to be said.

- No.

- It's great.

Hello!

My I help you?

Probably.

Anything.

Let your imagination

run wild, my dear...

Your name?

Bone.

How appropriate.

I hate my life.

What? Why?

What... what are we doing?

We're not guys anymore.

We are in the last stages

of being just guys.

- What?

- Are you listening to me?

We are not guys anymore!

We have no money.

We got crappy jobs,

no girlfriends.

I'm living with my dad,

and you, you're...

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