$elfie Shootout Page #2

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You're hooking up with a

50-year-old Russian ex-sailor

and liking it.

Hey, it could be worse.

- How?

- We could be older.

We will be... soon.

And then what?

Well, then it will just be

the same as now, but then.

That's the problem.

Now becomes then.

Wait a minute.

If all of these babes

post selfies free...

And they do!

They would definitely

do it for money.

- What do you mean? -We are

gonna run a selfie contest

with a gigantic mega prize.

Best selfie, as judged

by us, wins $500.

No, no. We're gonna...

We're gonna make it $1,000.

That's stupid.

We don't have $1,000.

See? That is where

my genius kicks in!

We are gonna charge them $15

to submit their selfie.

To win the thousand dollars?

Bingo! And as we rack up

the selfies at $15 per,

we will rake in

the customized selfies!

- Do you get it?

- Yeah.

And then all the $15

become the $1,000

grand prize, right?

Double bingo! See?

Here is where

my genius really kicks in!

Once we make more than $1,000,

we're gonna be in the black...

Or the red,

depending on how you look at it.

And we're gonna get

selfie girlfriends

and we're gonna move out!

That is what

I call intelligence.

It's foolproof!

We are calling it

the "selfie shootout."

Any babes yet?

No.

The idea's not that great.

Holy mother of all that is

sweet and "voluptuous!"

- What? -Selfie in... paid.

And she's hot.

I can see her, too!

It works.

How can we not get rich?

Oh, we can.

Or is it "can't"?

How can we not

get our own place?

Can and can't?

How can we not get girlfriends?

Can and can't.

How can we not become happy?

- Can and can't!

- Oh, it's perfect.

The mother lode.

- But wait.

- What?

Can we monopolize this idea?

I mean, others can Jack it.

Then what?

We can't have competition.

O.M.G.

You mean other people could Jack

our idea and not pay us for it?

Yeah, there's thieves lurkin'

all over the Internet.

- Hate that! -We need a

monopoly and a copyright.

- We can get both, right?

- Yeah. Yeah!

Need it.

Need it a.S.A.P.!

- Now what?

- I'll do the thinkin',

and you...

You do the legwork.

- How?

- Idiot.

You can only

get a monopoly one way.

You search the Internet.

I mean, there is a process.

You both are idiots.

Everything's not

on the Internet.

It's not?

No.

In order to get a monopoly,

you need to go directly

to the government.

Now they control who gets a

monopoly and who doesn't.

- Okay. -You know, my

brother's a congressman.

I probably could get

an appointment with him.

I mean, god knows

he owes me a favor or nine.

Your twin brother brother?

- Yeah.

- How come I've never met him?

We haven't gotten along

in decades.

- Why is that?

- Well,

just a little sibling rivalry.

- About what?

- None of your business.

All right.

Now, he owes me,

and it's time to collect.

I thought you didn't drink.

Anything else?

Gum?

What is this?

An inquisition?

No, I was just, um...

Do you do selfies?

- Excuse me?

- Do you take selfies?

Idiot.

Everybody takes selfies.

Well, we're gonna have

a selfie contest,

and you can win a thousand

if you have the best selfie.

- How much?

- A thousand large.

- A thousand large?

- Mm-hmm.

A million dollars?

No. Not a million.

That would be ridiculous.

No, um, a thousand.

You mean one large.

Yeah.

Just one selfie, though?

No mas?

It's got to be sexy,

'cause I'm the judge.

Oh! Oh,

you're the judge?

Me.

Okay.

How do I win?

Well, I am partial

to selfies taken

from the... the front.

From the front.

You know, well, um...

The top front.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Anything else?

No. I think that covers it.

Just go to

selfieshootout.Tv.

Hmm.

I'll think about it.

But it's not easy

to take a selfie, you know?

Is there anything yet?

Ah, it's the babe

from the store.

From the store?

- Hola.

- Hola.

You remember me?

Who's this?

It's the guy

from the liquor store.

The selfie judge.

Oh!

You get my selfie?

Yeah, and it was right

on the money.

Am I the winner?

Uh...

You could be.

But I did what you wanted.

Could we meet up?

What? Why?

Well, you see,

it's my experience

that a face immensely helps

in the decision-making

process.

But you've seen me already.

Yeah, but I kind of

need a refresher.

Okay, maybe we could party

with some of my girlfriends.

Oh! Is this working or what?

She wants to party.

Okay?

What are you even asking me?

Sure.

Uh, maybe a hot tub party

at my place.

We'll order, have it catered,

and don't forget

your credit card, okay?

- Ten!

- Ten total selfies.

That's $150!

The mother lode!

- Selfies.

- Check 'em out.

So nice!

What? Wait.

What is that.

No, it can't be.

Another one.

There's two more!

Yeah, I see 'em, too.

How did these guys get on here?

We didn't say "female

selfies," just "selfies."

This guy's kind of

good-lookin'.

I mean, he's okay, uh, right?

For a dude?

Stop it.

Just stop it.

I mean, you would

jump a bullfrog

if it smiled at you.

Wait.

Oh, I'm gonna fix it.

- How?

- We'll post "ladies only."

But we're not really lookin'

for ladies, are we?

Not really.

Then "girls only."

Ehh, is that offensive?

"Girls"? Could be,

in some quarters.

But let's just call

a horse a horse.

Babes.

We're lookin' for babes.

So we're posting

"babes only."

- Is that legal? -You mean,

are we discriminating?

Yeah, we could

go to jail for that.

- For posting "babes only"?

- Probably.

Let's just delete the men

like they never existed.

And then if anybody asks us,

we'll just... we'll swear

we didn't...

We didn't delete anyone.

I don't know. Yeah.

Only you and me will know.

Ha ha!

Yeah!

So this is what a rain check

is all about!

- Boom...

- Ow!

- Sorry.

- I'm good, I'm good.

- What's up?

- Hop in.

All right.

- Yeah! -Oh, what a surprise!

I know you.

You're the liquor store guy.

You're kind of cute.

- Do remember me?

- How could I forget you?

Let's get started. Did you bring your

cell phone and your credit card?

Uh, for what?

The selfies?

- No! For the party.

- Oh.

- Liquor and stuff.

- I thought you didn't drink.

Ha! Silly guy.

- Here, I'll call.

- Oh.

Hi, we'd like to place an order.

Two case of champagne, Tequila.

Correct.

And some chips and nuts.

Oh! You just... bring...

Bring some more alcohol!

Yeah, yeah.

Get that selfie stick, too.

Champagne! Champagne!

Right there. Bring it.

Yeah, hi.

I wanted to order

three pairs of stilettos.

Yeah, one black, one red,

and then one pur...

Oh, do you have purple?

Purple.

Hi, I want everything

that she just ordered,

but in a size seven.

Okay, great! Thank you!

Hi! I need a size 12.

Yes, I said 12.

You gonna get up?

It's almost two

in the afternoon.

You got to be at work

in 15 minutes.

You're not in there

doing you know what,

that party you have

with yourself?

Oh, my god!

What are you doin'

to each other?

What? What?

What? Oh!

What did I do?

Oh, god, what did I do?

What?

You and I, we were...

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