$elfie Shootout Page #3

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We were cool last night, right?

No.

What?

Yeah?

Yes? We didn't...

- Didn't...

- No. No, no, no.

Nothing like that.

We... we're good.

Good.

Okay.

What is this?

What's that?

- No.

- What?

What is it?

It's from last night.

The credit card receipts.

I don't remember that.

Well, you signed for them

so it's on you!

Me? But you were there, too.

But you signed them.

$459, $227,

and $334 tip?

What? I believe in

rewarding good service.

This pluses to over $2,000.

- No.

- What?

It's an e-receipt

for $1,897.63!

- What?

- Shoes!

They bought shoes last night!

How much do we have

in the selfie account?

I don't know, exactly.

- Ballpark!

- Ballpark?

Not that much.

I should have never

have shared this idea with you.

It could have been all mine.

All of it.

I am so mad at you right now,

I can't even look at you!

Stop it!

Knock it off.

Will you stop

embarrassing yourselves

and me?

Go to work!

You got an appointment

with my brother tomorrow.

1:
00 P.M.

can you make it?

Can you hear me?

Yes! Thanks, dad!

Shh!

- Dad?

- Dad?

Oh, you must chub, Ronnie's son.

Call me uncle Dan.

Nice to meet you.

I'm seeing you soon, right?

Lottery ticket.

Just one quick pick.

Nice to see you again.

What?

I'm just saying hi.

We met briefly.

Friends, yes?

Just friends.

That's it.

Only buy these when

the prize money gets big.

Really big.

That's my philosophy.

- So smart. So bold!

- How's that?

Well, what's

the point otherwise?

I know I'm gonna lose.

But when the money

gets really big,

it gets my attention.

I'll take a flyer for a buck.

Everyone does, right?

Well, that's how the prize money

gets really big.

Everyone buys.

Just human nature.

I hear you.

I do.

Ciao, chub.

Ciao... lady.

What the hell was that?

Just pretend like

we're stupid, okay?

- We'll get further that way.

- 'Kay.

We know nothing.

We are just your

average American idiots

lookin' for some

government help, 'Kay?

- 'Kay.

- On the same page?

- 'Kay.

- Good.

Breathe.

Oh!

Sorry to keep

you fellas waiting.

No, it's... it's okay.

Now...

So you're my nephew.

Of course, Ronnie's boy.

- Yeah. -So good to

chat with you, chub.

So how is Ronnie?

Good, I suppose.

- Little angry.

- Angry? What?

I made it and he didn't.

That's just the way

things work out.

- How? -Well, we ran against

each other for this seat,

and he lost.

Wow.

I didn't know that.

Well, it turned out people couldn't

tell the difference between us.

Happens all the time

in politics.

My name is

Daniel t. Moorhead.

His is Ronald t. Moorhead.

My name comes before him

on the ballot,

so I got 85% of the vote...

A butt-kicking.

Wow. That's... that's a lot.

So, you two are

my constituents, correct?

Mmm.

Good.

Give me a second here.

Ooh.

Do what you got to do.

I get it. Okay.

Okay.

You're our country's future.

- Yes, sir. We are that.

- Absolutely.

I understand

you're starting a business

- and you need a little help.

- Yeah, exactly.

- See, we've got a...

- We're just concerned

that while we have

a terrific idea...

- It's kind of awesome.

- And what's that?

- It's a contest. -Well, there's

nothing new about a contest.

What's it for?

It's a selfie contest.

We call it

the "selfie shootout."

- Selfies. -Yeah. See,

women take selfies

- in kind of, uh...

- A special way.

You know.

Yeah, a special way.

Nothing like a good selfie

now and then.

- No.

- Oh, yeah.

- Our thoughts exactly.

- True that.

So what's your concern?

Well, someone might Jack it.

- Jack it?

- Well, steal it.

Yeah, any competition

at this point

would be a big problem.

It would be a disaster.

You're worried

about Internet theft and...

What we need

is an idea monopoly.

An idea monopoly.

Yes. For example,

we know that

the oil companies...

- Monopoly. -And Internet

searching Goliath...

- A monopoly.

- And the cable companies...

Monopoly.

And now we know

that the government

- allows all this stuff.

- Correct.

I mean, it just

makes things, you know...

- More profitable.

- Exactly.

Yes, we just need to know

how to apply.

Is there an application form

or do you just write up

a personalized law

to get our

personalized monopoly?

Yeah, we're not

exactly sure on the, like,

what ifs and the how-tos

and the whatnots.

Well, boys, I don't exactly

know how it works myself,

but it probably involves

a little scratch my back stuff,

know what I mean?

Mmm, no.

I don't get it.

Pay for play.

- Uh, still don't get it.

- No.

Okay, let me tell you

how one of my friendly

constituents

- explained it to me.

- Okay.

If you want

an automatic transmission

or a big strong engine

when you buy a car,

it's more. Correct?

- It sounds familiar.

- And correct.

Well, you know,

if you're asking for a favor,

I mean, you know, time is money.

So that's pay for play.

- Kind of. Kind of not.

- What?

Have you boys contributed

to my reelection campaign?

I mean, that's a foolproof way

to do it every time.

Not yet, no.

But we're planning on it.

- Good to hear.

- 'Kay.

Now let me think.

Ahh.

Department of justice.

- Department of justice?

- Yeah.

That's the agency

that enforces federal law.

Kind of keeps

everything in check.

Keeps monopolies

safe and strong.

Well, that is exactly what

we're looking for, seriously.

- Good to meet you, chub.

- Oh.

And you.

And, boys, on the way out,

could you see

my assistant out there?

Little donation.

Big donation.

'Kay? Need that.

- Pay to play!

- Exactly.

Says here that the FBI

is part of

the department of justice.

Perfect. They must

actually be the exact ones

who enforce monopoly law.

Yeah, that's how I see it.

Enforcing monopoly law

is like enforcing the tax code.

It's like enforcing laws

against bestiality.

It is the most important

thing that they do.

Law enforcement, no doubt.

No doubt. I mean, where would

we be without monopolies?

Where would we be without

the FBI protecting them?

Chaos. There is way

too much competition.

And jacking our contest

is like theft, huh?

No, no.

It is theft.

Back to business.

Tough question here.

Now, what about the money?

The shortfall.

It's a problem, no doubt.

Well, I'm about to make

all things beautiful again.

I have an idea.

Yes, Mr. bone,

my genius is back!

We have stalled out.

- More selfies means mo' money, right?

- Correct.

Now, the congressman

came into the store yesterday

- with that Russian babe.

- She was with him?

- Irina?

- So?

So... nothing,

I suppose.

Anyway, he bought

a lottery ticket,

and he said that...

Hey, are you listening to me?

Focus.

Where was I?

Oh, here we go.

He said that

he only buys tickets

when the prize money

is really big.

Okay.

But she was with him, though?

Did it seem like she liked him?

Yes, yes. Oh, my god.

Will you just listen to me?

If we raise the cash prize,

we'll get more selfies.

Bigger lottery prizes

attract more ticket buyers.

Bigger prize money

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