$elfie Shootout Page #4

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attracts more selfies.

Ergo, mas dinero for us.

It's a vicious cycle.

I like it.

I like it a lot.

- How much bigger?

- $35,000.

Don't have it.

We didn't have the 1,000.

I like it.

I like it a lot.

But did it seem

like she liked him a lot?

Afternoon, Mr. Moorhead.

He's in the bedroom,

probably fiddling.

Will the fiddling ever end?

- Get over here.

- What's up?

Look at this.

Whoa.

A pure babe.

- So...

- Sophisticated.

And just the right

amount of naughty.

She is the perfect combination

of naughty and sophistication.

She is definitely a very,

very strong contender.

Yo, check the shopping cart.

- See how much today.

- Oh, okay.

- Even more?

- Wait.

$42,775 banked?

- I'm scared.

- I am, too.

Why are you scared?

Because we haven't met

with the FBI yet

and our monopoly

is in significant jeopardy.

That's exactly why I'm scared.

Afternoon.

How can I help you?

We recently met with

congressman Daniel t. Moorhead

and he recommended that

we speak to an agent here.

A very important

financial matter...

Monopolies, specifically.

Oh, well, we only deal

with federal, so...

This is a federal matter

of unique and urgent concern.

An emergency.

Well, did the congressman

make an appointment for you?

No. This is so huge

that an appointment

- would be, like...

- Inappropriate.

- Yeah.

- Inappropriate?

It's an emergency,

and emergencies

don't need appointments.

- Correct.

- Boom.

I mean, do you need

an appointment

for a hospital emergency room?

- The answer is no!

- Unh-unh.

Agent Miller,

I have two gentlemen here

who said they were referred

by congressman Moorhead.

By him personally.

Could you please say that?

They were referred by

him personally.

And we paid for play.

Could you tell

the agent that, too?

They're implying that they

paid the congressman for...

A government favor.

Mm-hmm.

A government favor.

Okay.

The agent will see you.

- That way.

- Okay.

Thank you for

meeting with us, sir.

We donated money to

the congressman's campaign.

Yes, we did.

And he said

that was the best way

to get a government favor...

A.K.A. Monopoly.

Yeah, fastest, safest, best.

Hello?

Sir, can you hear us?

I heard every word.

Please, take a seat.

Go on.

Hello!

- Hello.

- Hello, too.

So what is this

about pay to play?

Did he try to shake you down?

Oh, no, no, no.

We are fine with pay to play.

Yeah, we're fine with it.

It's a few bucks well spent,

we think.

You see, we have a really

remarkable idea for a contest,

and we're just concerned that

there might be some competition.

Yeah, so we just need a monopoly

before that nasty event.

We can't have competition.

We just can't.

So we need you

to enforce our monopoly

to eliminate

any unwarranted competition.

Yeah, to, like, thwart any

possible Internet thievery.

Correct. Yes.

Well, what is the idea?

Is this in strict confidence?

Sure.

Sure what?

We need to hear you say it,

that this is

in strict confidence.

You have to say it.

This is in strict confidence.

We started an online contest.

For what?

Um, best selfie contest.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Have you ever seen me before?

Kind of.

If it makes any difference,

you are a very,

very strong contender.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Very, very, very strong.

Chub here is particularly

in your corner.

- That's me.

- I am?

Mm-hmm.

Well, that is for the good,

I suppose.

Oh, but wait a minute.

Would it be possible

to continue this meeting

without you thinking about it?

It?

- The selfie.

- Um...

Mostly.

Um, off and on.

Okay, just tell me

what's going on.

So far we have taken in

over $42,000

in contest entry money.

- $42,000?

- Mm-hmm.

That's, like,

thousands of selfies.

And I'm a strong contender?

Oh, come on!

We are trying

not to think about you!

- Good, good.

- We're just worried

that someone might

steal our idea

and then they'll get

all the money.

- And the babes.

- And that would be bad.

So we need a monopoly on this.

I can't help you.

But why not?

My cable company?

I've only got one choice.

Monopoly!

Yeah, you see,

that is different.

That is guaranteed by law.

Bingo! That's...

That's what we need.

- Guaranteed by law.

- Okay, wait a minute.

I just want to go back to the

congressman and his money request.

She's a babe, but she doesn't

get monopolies in the least.

Yeah, what are we even

paying taxes for?

You pay taxes to pay

other peoples' salaries.

- And then they pay taxes, too?

- Obviously.

Unfortunately, chub,

it's a vicious cycle.

Right.

Ooh.

- Yeah?

- Chub Moorhead?

You got him.

This is Harris Williams

from rhinoceroz energy drinks.

Oh, I drink that myself.

We sell a ton of it

at the liquor store.

Yeah, I love

the all-day buzz,

'cause it really works.

Good, good.

This is the chub Moorhead

who runs "selfie shootout"?

Yes.

Some dude is calling

about the contest.

- Stealing it? -I'm gonna tell

him that we got a lawyer.

- Don't have one.

- Shh!

First off, you should know

that we are all lawyered-up.

Yes.

That's just a warning.

And we also have a very

good contact at the FBI.

Well, that's real good,

'cause I expect

to speak to your lawyer

about the contract

I'm fixin' to offer you.

Just remember,

we are very litigious.

Very. And we do not

take competition lightly.

Unh-unh. So you know what?

You need to listen up.

When we sue, we sue to get

your house and your car.

And your TV and your laptop.

Take it all! It's like

hitting the lottery!

Understood.

We heard about your contest,

and we'd like to be

your official sponsor...

And partner.

Sponsor?

Rhinoceroz energy drink

wants to sponsor our contest.

Perfect. I always wanted

to be sponsored.

Oh, bone.

You are so ambitious.

Bone, honey, I'm a little

worried about your weight.

Too much or not enough?

It's a sweet deal.

Rhinoceroz is offering $5,000

for worldwide rights

to "selfie shootout."

Does worldwide mean, like,

the whole world?

You all would keep the U.S.

Rhinoceroz would have

international.

Japan, parts of Africa,

Brazil, Denmark, United Kingdom,

a few others.

Canada.

Does rhinoceroz have a monopoly?

We're trademarked.

There's no monopoly.

Well, you might want to look

into getting one of those

- for, like, safety's sake.

- Yeah.

We'd rename

the international website

in our affiliate countries

"rhinoceroz selfie shootout,"

pow pow pow!

- Oh! I like the ring to that!

- It's great.

$5,000 for worldwide rights.

Uh, Mr. Williams, could we just

discuss this for, like, a minute?

Absolutely. I'll give you

cowboys some privacy.

- Take your time.

- Oh, you can stay.

It's just gonna take a minute.

I'm in.

It's free money.

Let's just think this through.

It's an opening offer

and I think I can get more.

Yes!

Nail that mother

to the wall. But, um...

- What?

- It's free money,

so we don't want

to lose out on that.

- No. -I'd be happy

with, say, $500.

- Really?

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