.45

Big Al has a huge cock.

I'm serious. I'm not f***ing with you.

Thing...thing is humongous.

Okay, it's like-

Looks like it's got little arms

and legs and sh*t. Looks alive

Like I could put it over my shoulder

and burp it, know what I'm saying?

It's like a plumbing tool or something.

The first time I saw it...

I was like:
"Put that thing away.

You ain't coming near

me with that monster. "

But you know Big Al, you know...

He just kept

coming at me.

Y'know he, he looks at me and he says:

Hey, you think you can handle that?

Huh? Think you can? Huh?

I mean ...

It was like ...

I mean look, I'm competitive, right?

I was, I was in competitive

gymnastics in high school.

So, y'know, I took another look at it.

And I was like:
well, I could

have a hell of a time trying.

You know?

I mean,

we had great sex.

Y'know, I'm talking about

'tie me up to the bedpost ...

with your dirty sweatsocks'

sex, you know what I'm saying?

You know. Big Al

's king of the neighborhood.

Look, you can say what you want about

him, Big Al is a great f***.

Al, what's up?

Sing it.

Hey listen, I got some ...

new toasters and some track

suits back at the house.

Sign me up.

- Where the f*** is Reilly?

- Haven't seen him.

Whoa, careful there, baby.

Hey, baby.

- Hey, Sarge.

- Where is he?

Over there.

That mope?

- I thought I told you no mopes.

- You said you wanted customers.

I got you customers, all right?

Don't worry about it. He's clean. snssn checked him out.

Go make us some money.

Wait here, okay?

How you doing?

Alright.

Hey, where you from?

- Long Island.

- Really?

What can I do for you?

I want a gun.

What are you, a f***ing a**hole?

You wanna say that a little f***ing louder?

You wanna broadcast it around the island with the f***ing news?

- Sorry.

- Huh?

Where on the Island?

Ice Peak.

- Islanders or Rangers?

- What?

The Islanders or the f***ing Rangers.

What are you, a f***ing moron?

Rangers.

- Rangers?

- Yes.

Is this a f***ing interview??

I just want my 45.

Stop!

Liar!

- Enough!

- F*** you!

- What is it?

- He's clean.

You got no guns.

-You came in too early.

-Too f***ing early?

That's right.

- You f***ing knew what you were supposed to do.

- I did what I was supposed to do.

Hey, you got this? Huh?

Now get your f***in hands off

my f***in dick and get out of here

Before I f***in file a harassment suit, you

F***ing fag

bisexual f***ing Village People.

Get the f*** outta here.

Get outta my bar.

- Motherf***er!

- I'll f***ing get you!

We'll f***ing get you!

Kiss my dick, you

f***ing prick!

Get the f*** outta my bar!

See ya.

You're hot, Baby.

- Yeah?

- Sexy.

Let's Get Away

resolve an issue.

Big Al

He was always trouble.

Ever since he was born.

Motherf***er! F***ing how?

- What did I do?

- I thought you said you and had him checked out!

- We did have him checked out.

- What, together, you in on the set up or something?

C-section, y'know. 48 hours of labor.

F***ing kid!

He was never no good!

I shoulda never had him.

You can't f***in run an

organization like this, ok?

It's sloppy.

It's for amateurs.

You gotta-- you gotta plan these things right.

What organization are you talking about, Al?

He never comes home for the holidays.

I mean, it's Thanksgiving, y'know,

But you're not gonna find him here. No.

No sense of family.

No sense of loyalty.

I, I don't know what... I don't know

what went wrong with him. I...

I didn't smoke during my pregnancy.

I didn't drink, y'know. Not a drop.

Beer and wine, but

that's okay.

I'm sick and tired of it, God!

Hey! What are you doing?

I'm f***ing taking a piss. Get the f*** off!

You f*** off. You promised me

you'd get me out of this neighborhood!

Alright?

Seaside Heights, or Rockway, or Ocean City or

something. Look at you pissing on the f***ing wall!

F*** off!

I want to see the real world.

- The real world.

- I'm tired of this sh*t!

What f***ing real world?

You got the whole f***ing world right here!

Aaah Jesus f***ing c*nt!

Okay, you a**holes!

Get in here, dinner's ready!

Excuse me, but I just hate

Thanksgiving.

No, I didn't raise a murderer.

No, the streets did.

Stop it! Stop!

My f***ing TV! Hey!

-Motherf***er, come here

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No! Our TV!

Al, Our new TV!

Motherf***er!

You knocked the guy out.

I don't care about him. Look what

he did to the f***ing TV!

Did you have to

do that, sir?

- I'm Sorry.

- F***!

Call the cops, c'mon!

You Americans are so violent.

I was just trying to rob you.

I don't f***ing believe you!

537 West 39th Street. We have an

emergency. There's a thief in the house.

Will ya get off the f***ing carpet!

It's a Persian original. It's expensive!

I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

I will not come back again. Sorry.

Get off my f***ing carpet!

I'm sorry, please don't kill me.

I'm sorry, please.

Please, I'm so sorry.

No wonder you couldn't

fit through the f***ing window.

Look at the size of your ass!

Look at that thing, it looks like

a f***ing parking lot.

You need to start jogging, you

f***ing piece of sh*t!

Please!

I hope you got

you're green card.

Please let me go.

Punjabi or what the

f*** ever you are.

I'm so sorry!

You make me sick, you understand?

You make me f***ing sick!

- I am sorry I broke your TV.

- You fucks, you come over here,

take our jobs and then ...

You're f***ing parasites. You disgust me.

What the f*** is going on

with this country?

What the f*** is happening

to this f***ing country!?

You know what's wrong with

this f***ing country?

No, we're--

we're being robbed.

I'm sorry, please

just let me go!

I have a family and the bus.

A bus? You got a f***ing

bus downstairs?

I'll take the f***ing bus. You want

the f***ing TV, I'll take your f***ing bus!

Ok? Number 6, number 9 ...

Don't y-- don't f***ing be clever with me.

I was lying.

That's f***ing mine.

It's my sh*t.

- F***ing don't touch it!

- I don't really have a bus,

But please, let me go!

Al, I'll take two of the toasters.

And the blue navy suit.

42 regular cause my nephew's

coming into town.

- And three cartons of menthol.

- Alright.

- Al

- Yes.

It's not my fault. I came

to the wrong address.

- What happened here?

- I caught the f*** trying to rob me.

Lady, please. This

crazy he's going to kill me and his girlfriend is--

What are you doing?

Stop it! I'm in pain!

- Marge, you like these for the nephew?

- Yeah, those are nice.

- These are on the house, okay?

- Oh, yeah, nice.

So, uh...

- Cash or credit card?

- Cash.

Unless you have some of

those nice "hot" cards.

I might. I might. But you got

something for me, huh?

F*** all of you!

Big Al, y'know, his troubles started

when my husband and I broke up.

He was Scottish

A big f***ing boozer!

And he took Al

to Scotland, you know?

And when he came back, he

was tougher and meaner.

And he never lost

that accent either.

Move to the right.

No, that's left.

What the f***'s going on?

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