10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers

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- Opening night

- Opening night

It's opening night

It's Max Bialystock's latest show

Will it flop or will it go?

The cast is taking its final bow

Here comes the audience now

The doors are open

They're on their way

Let's hear what they have to say

He's done it again

He's done it again

Max Bialystock has done it again

We can't believe it

You can't conceive it

How'd he achieve it?

It's the worst show in town

We sat there sighing

Groaning and crying

There's no denying

It's the worst show in town

Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss

We've seen sh*t

But never like this

Max Bialystock has done it again

The songs were rotten

The book was stinkin'

What he did to Shak espeare

Booth did to Lincoln

We had this specially made up

for Max Bialystock.

We couldn't leave faster

What a disaster

We are still in shock

Who produced this schlock?

That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock

What a bum

Hello?

Mr. Bialystock?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Speak to me, dummy. Speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold

of yourself. Come with me.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, right this way.

Watch your step.

Look, just...

Take a deep breath.

Let it out slowly.

- Who are you?

- I am Leopold Bloom.

I'm an accountant.

I'm from Whitehall & Marks...

...and I've come to do your books.

- Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen...

- Who is it?

- Hold Me- Touch Me.

Hold Me- Touch Me.

One of my backers.

Listen, I have to meet

with an important investor.

Do me a big favour,

go to the bathroom.

- But I don't have to go.

- Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.

Be with you in a moment,

my darling.

Hold Me- Touch Me.

Where is Hold Me- Touch Me?

Kiss Me- Feel Me,

Clinch Me- Pinch Me...

...Lick Me- Bite Me, Suck Me...

Here she is. Hold Me- Touch Me.

You know, it worked.

As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...

...I didn't have any trouble at all...

- Back. Back. Don't make a sound.

Coming. Coming.

Hello, gorgeous.

- Hold me, touch me.

- As soon as I shut the door.

Did you bring the checkie?

Bialy can't produce plays

without checkies.

Here you go.

But first,

can we please play a game?

One dirty little game.

All right, my little sex kitten.

What shall we play?

The Debutante and the Bricklayer?

- Oh, no.

- No.

How about the Rabbi

and the Contortionist?

You like that one, mama,

keeps you limber.

I know.

Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid

and the Well-Hung Stableboy.

I don't think I have the strength.

- Don't worry, I'll be gentle.

- All right.

Oh, dear...

...this milk is so heavy.

I'll never reach the house.

You there, well-hung stableboy.

Won't you please help me?

Of course, my little dairy queen.

First I'll take your milk.

Then I shall take your virginity!

No! No! Never! Never!

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me, well-hung!

Give it to me.

Darling, wait,

I haven't even had coffee yet.

- Take it easy. Take it easy.

- Oh, my God.

Send me to the moon, you animal.

Send me to the moon.

Yes. Yes, my darling.

Thursday. Come back Thursday.

I'll send you to the moon Thursday.

I may even join you.

But first, the checkie.

Where's the checkie?

Come on, come on, find the checkie.

Here you go.

I made it out, like you told me,

to the title of the play:

- Cash.

- Yes.

That's a funny name

for a play, Cash.

Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.

I'll see you Thursday.

- Bye.

- Bye. Bye.

Yes, yes, yes.

You dirty old buzzard.

May I come out of the bathroom now,

Mr. Bialystock?

- Yeah, sure.

- I'm terribly sorry I caught you...

...feeling up the old lady.

- " Feeling up the old lady."

Thank you, Mr. Tact.

- May I take your coat?

- Oh, thank you.

So you're an accountant, huh?

- Yes, sir. I am, sir.

- Then account for yourself!

Why are you looking up little

old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?

I know what you're thinking.

How dare you condemn me

without knowing all the facts.

- Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn...

- Shut up!

I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

- Do you know who I used to be?

- Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock...

...the king of Broadway.

- No, I'm Max Bialy... That's right.

- That's right.

- And might I say, Mr. Bialystock...

And please don't take this

the wrong way...

...but you're not just a dirty old man.

- Thank you.

Oh, you're also

a great Broadway producer.

And there's something about me

you should know.

When I was a kid...

...I had the good fortune

to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42.

- Oh, Bialy-Hoos.

- Yes.

And I still have the ticket stub.

- Oh, look at that.

- Yeah.

And ever since,

I've had a secret desire...

...to be a Broadway producer.

A secret desire, huh?

- Kid, can I give you some advice?

- Yes, sir.

Keep it a secret.

Do the books, please.

Top drawer, to the left.

Oh, my God.

Will you look at that.

That's it, baby!

When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Mr. Bialystock,

may I speak to you a minute?

- A minute?

- Yes.

- Just one minute?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- In glancing at your books...

- Go! You have 58 seconds left.

...I noticed that in the column...

- You're gonna time it?

- Time is money.

I looked at your books and the

columns marked "monies received."

- And I can't make the figures work out.

- Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.

- There's a problem with your figures.

- Twenty-eight. Running out of time.

- Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

- I cannot...

- Fifteen seconds.

- I cannot... I can't function.

- I cannot function in these conditions.

- Five, four, three, two, one.

You're making me

extremely nervous.

What is that, a handkerchief?

What? This? No, it's nothing.

It's nothing.

Well, if it's nothing,

then why can't I see it?

My blanket. My blue blanket!

Give me back my blue blanket!

Give me my blanket! Give it to me.

Give it to me. Give me the blanket.

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Here, here, here.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

Don't panic.

I...

I'm sorry.

It's just that I don't like anyone

touching my blue blanket.

It's not important,

it's a minor compulsion.

I can deal with it if I want to.

But I've had it ever since I was a baby,

and I find it very comforting.

I need to lie down for a minute now.

They come here. They all come here.

How do they find me?

Hey, kid. Hey.

Look at this.

How can I help you?

- What's wrong?

- You're gonna jump on me.

- What?

- You're gonna jump on me.

I know you're gonna jump on me

and squash me like a bug.

- Oh, God.

- Please, don't jump on me!

I'm not gonna jump on you!

I'm not gonna jump on you!

Get ahold of yourself!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop! Calm down!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me.

- What's the matter now?

- I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics.

I can't stop when I get like this.

I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

I can see that.

All right. All right, calm down.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Take it easy.

I'm wet!

I'm wet.

I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

I'm in pain.

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