10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #2

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I'm in pain, I'm wet...

...and I'm still hysterical.

All right, all right. What can I do?

You're getting me hysterical.

Move away, you frighten me.

- You're too close.

- I frighten you?

Yes, get over there and stop

touching... Move over there! Sit down.

I'm sitting, I'm sitting.

You still look angry.

I'm sorry. How's this?

Who's my little accountant?

Who's my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant?

- Are you my little accountant?

- I am.

Yes, you are.

Well, thank you for smiling.

That helped a great deal.

Well, you know what they say:

"Smile and the world smiles

with you."

This man should be

in a straightjacket.

- You feeling better?

- Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.

- Good.

- May I speak to you?

Yes, Prince Myshkin.

What can we do for you?

Well, this is hardly

the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.

I've discovered a serious error...

...in the accounts of your last show,

Funny Boy.

- Where? What?

- Well, according to the backers list...

...you raised $100,000.

But your show only cost 98,000.

There's 2000 unaccounted for.

I went to a Turkish bath.

Who cares?

The show was a flop.

Bloom, do me a favour...

...move a few decimal points around.

You can do it, you're an accountant.

You're part of a noble profession.

The word "count" is part of your title.

- That's cheating.

- It's not cheating.

It's charity.

Bloom...

...you see this stickpin?

This once held a pearl

as big as your eye.

I used to wear handmade

Italian shoes, $500 suits.

And look at me now.

Look at me now!

I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

Bloom, you gotta save me.

I'm reaching out to you.

Don't send me to prison.

Help me.

All right. All right.

Okay, I'll do it.

- Really?

- Yes, I'll do it.

See, $2000 isn't so much.

I'm sure I can hide it someplace.

After all, the IRS isn't interested

in a show that flopped.

Right. Good thinking.

You figure it out.

I'm gonna take a little nap.

Now, let's see.

Let's see, if we add up

these deductions, we get...

Carry the three, divide by four...

Amazing.

It's absolutely amazing, but...

...under the right circumstances...

...a producer could

make more money with a flop...

...than he could with a hit.

Yes, it's quite possible. If he were

certain that a show would fail...

...a man could make a fortune.

- Yes?

- Yes, what?

- What you were saying. Keep talking.

- What was I saying?

You were saying that a producer...

...could make more money

with a flop than a hit.

Well, yes. It's quite possible.

You keep saying that,

but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter

of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment

that you are a dishonest man.

Assume away.

All right. When you produced

your last show, Funny Boy...

...you raised $2000

more than you needed.

But you could've raised a million...

...put on your $100,000 flop

and kept the rest.

- But what if my show was a hit?

- Then you would go to jail.

See, rather than 100 percent

of the show...

...you would've sold

more than 1000 percent.

So if the show's a success,

there's no way to pay off the backers.

- Get it?

- Got it.

So in order for our scheme to work,

we'd have to find a sure- fire flop.

"Our scheme"? What scheme?

What scheme?

Your scheme,

you bloody little genius.

I meant no scheme. I merely posed

a little academic accounting theory.

- It was just a thought.

- Bloom...

...worlds are turned

on such thoughts.

Don't you see, Bloom?

Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.

It's so simple.

Step one,

we find the worst play ever written.

Step two,

we hire the worst director in town.

- Step three, I raise 2 million dollars.

- Two?

Yes, one for me, one for you. There's

a lot of little old ladies out there.

Step four, we hire the worst actors

in New York and open on Broadway.

And before you can say "step five,"

we close on Broadway...

...take our 2 million and go to Rio.

Rio? That'd never work.

Oh, ye of little faith.

What did Lewis say to Clark

When everything look ed bleak?

What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing

As they struggled

Toward Everest's peak?

What did Washington say

To his troops

As they crossed the Delaware?

I'm sure you're well aware

What'd they say?

We can do it

We can do it

We can do it

Me and you

We can do it

We can do it

We can make our dreams come true

Everything you've ever wanted

Is just waiting to be had

Beautiful girls

Wearing nothing but pearls

Caressing you, undressing you

And driving you mad

No.

Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.

Hear me out. Just think about it.

Stop!

We can do it

We can do it

This is not the time to shirk

We can do it

You won't rue it

Say goodbye to petty clerk

Hi, producer

Yes, producer

I mean you, sir

Go berserk

We can do it

We can do it

And I know it's gonna work

What do you say, Bloom?

What do I say?

Finally, a chance to be

A Broadway producer

What do I say?

Finally, a chance to mak e

My dreams come true, sir

What do I say?

What do I say?

Here's what I say to you, sir

I can't do it

I can't do it

I can't do it

That's not me

I'm a loser

I'm a coward

I'm a chick en

Don't you see?

When it comes to wooing women

There's a few things that I lack

Beautiful girls

Wearing nothing but pearls

Chasing me, embracing me

I'd have an attack

Why, you miserable, cowardly,

wretched little caterpillar.

Don't you ever wanna become

a butterfly?

Don't you want to spread your wings

and flap your way to glory?

No!

- Where to?

- Central Park.

Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.

- We can do it

- Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song

You've got me wrong

I'll say "so long"

I'm not as strong a person

As you think

Mr. Bialystock, just take a look

I'm not a crook

- Drink champagne, not ginger ale

- I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink

- Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?

- I can't do it

You see Rio, I see jail

Driver, stop.

Here.

- We can do it

- I can't do it

- We can do it

- I can't do it

- We can do it

- I can't do it

- We can do it

- I can't do it

- We can do it

- I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it

'Cause I know it's gonna fail

Fail? How could it miss?

All you need is a little courage.

Bloom, you know what you are?

You're like a...

You're like a...

You're like a fountain waiting

to explode and shoot into the sky!

- I'm a fountain?

- Yes, you're a fountain!

Don't you realize? There's a lot more

to you than there is to you.

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made

a terrible error in judgment.

You've mistaken me

for someone with a spine.

I'm going back

to Whitehall & Marks now.

- Goodbye forever.

- Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.

Think about it. You'll never get a cab

at this hour! Bloom.

Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...

...I want that money!

Unhappy

Unhappy

Very unhappy

Unhappy

Unhappy

Very, very, very, very, very

Very, very unhappy

Bloom!

Where the hell have you been?

You are six minutes late.

This is an accounting firm...

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