10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #3

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...not a country club.

You can't come and go as you please.

- Yes, Mr. Marks.

- Remember, you're a nobody.

A PA. A public accountant.

And I am a CPA.

A certified public accountant.

A rank a miserable little worm like

yourself could never hope to achieve.

Yes, Mr. Marks.

Thank you for speaking to me.

You're welcome.

What are you gawking at?

You never saw a person

humiliated before?

Now, get back to work. All of you!

Unhappy

Unhappy

Very, very, very, very

Very, very, very unhappy

I spend my life accounting

- With figures and such

- Unhappy

To what is my life amounting?

- It figures, not much

- Unhappy

I have a secret desire

Hiding deep in my soul

It sets my heart afire

To see me in this role

I wanna be a producer

With a hit show on Broadway

I wanna be a producer

Lunch at Sardi's every day

I want to be a producer

Sport a top hat and a cane

I wanna be a producer

And drive those chorus girls insane

I wanna be a producer

And sleep until half past 2

I wanna be a producer

And say, "You, you, you..."

Not you.

I wanna be a producer

Wear a tux on opening night

I wanna be a producer

And see my name, Leo Bloom

In lights

He wants to be a producer

Of a great big Broadway smash

He wants to be a producer

Every pock et stuffed with cash

He wants to be a producer

Pinch our cheeks till we cry

Yes.

He wants to be a producer

With a great big casting couch

- I wanna be

- He wants to be

- I wanna be

- He wants to be

I wanna be the greatest, grandest

And most fabulous producer

In the world

He's gotta dine

With a duchess and a duk e

I just got to be a producer

Drink champagne until I puk e

- Drink champagne till he puk es

- I wanna be a producer

Show the world just what I got

I'm gonna put on shows

That will enthral them

Read my name in Winchell's column

I wanna be a producer

- 'Cause it's everything I'm not

- Unhappy

Unhappy

- I wanna be a producer

- Very, very unhappy

- Unhappy

- I wanna be a produce...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hold everything.

Hold everything!

What am I doing here?

Mr. Bialystock was right.

There is a lot more to me

than there is to me.

Stop the world, I wanna get on!

What the hell is going on in here?

Do I smell the revolting stench

of self-esteem?

Bloom,

where do you think you're going?

You've already had

your toilet break.

I'm not going into the toilet.

I'm going into show business.

And, Mr. Marks,

I have news for you. I quit!

And you were right about one thing,

you are a CPA.

- A certified public a**hole!

- Hooray!

Here's my visor...

...my Dixon Ticonderoga

number 2 pencil...

...and my big finish!

I'm gonna be a producer

He's gonna be a producer

- Look out, Broadway

- Look out, Broadway

'Cause here I come

Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.

I'm back! I'm back.

I've changed my mind.

Boy, you are good.

- Who are you talking to?

- Never mind, just an old friend.

- What happened?

- Oh, just this...

Just this:
When I said that I was

scared that I was gonna go to jail...

...I didn't realize

that I already was in jail.

I've spent my life counting

other people's money.

People I'm smarter than...

...better than.

When's Leopold Bloom

gonna get his share?

When's it gonna be Bloom's day?

I want... I want...

I want everything

I've ever seen in the movies.

And, Leo, you're gonna have it.

Because...

- We can do it, we can do it

- I'm gonna be a producer

Say goodbye to woe and gloom

- With your brilliance, my resilience

- I'm gonna be a producer

- Up together we will zoom

- Up together we will zoom

- We can do it, we can do it

- We can do it, we can do it

Every show I touch I doom

- We were fated

- We were fated

- To be mated

- To be mated

- We're Bialystock and Bloom

- We're Bialystock and Bloom

Oh, Max...

Oh, Max, let's give up.

I can't read anymore.

- How many plays can a person read?

- Stop complaining.

We have to find the worst play

ever written.

- I've been reading all night.

- Who cares?

You wanna be a producer, read,

read. Keep reading.

Here's one.

Act I, scene one.

"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning

to discover...

...that he had been transformed

into a giant cockroach."

No, too good.

" But how could you see me?

The glass was frosted."

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I've read this before.

I think I've read this one before.

What's it called? What's it called?

The Frosted Glass.

Max, I'm reading plays

that I read last night, Max.

I can't go on anymore.

It's too much.

Let's face it, we'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.

Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

It's the mother lode.

- What is it? You found a flop?

- A flop.

That's putting it mildly.

This is a catastrophe.

A disaster certain to offend peoples

of all races, creeds and religions.

A guaranteed- to-close- in-one- night

beauty.

- Well, let's see it.

- Here.

"Springtime for Hitler...

...a gay romp with Eva and Adolf

at Berchtesgaden."

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God" is right.

It's practically a love letter to Hitler.

- Max, this won't run a week.

- A week? Are you kidding?

This play has got to close

on page four.

What's the author's name again?

" Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street,

New York, New York."

Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.

Let's go. We'll get the Broadway

rights to Springtime for Hitler...

...even if we have to go so far

as to pay him.

- Come on.

- This other hat, Max...

...may I wear it?

- No, you may not.

- Why?

Because that

is a Broadway producer's hat.

You don't get to wear

a Broadway producer's hat, son...

...until you're a Broadway producer.

And you're not

a Broadway producer until...

I know, I know. Until I've produced

a show on Broadway.

But I'm going to wear that hat,

and soon too, because...

We're gonna be the producers

Of a great big Broadway flop

Ja, ja, my Lieblings.

Let me grab you here.

We have work to do.

Hilda, my darling. Here, I have

written an important message...

...which must reach

Ernst Schlongdorf.

...Buenos Aires, Argentina.

AQAP.

As quick as possible.

Good.

Fly, Hilda. Fly!

Hilda, where are you going?

Argentina's that way!

Okay, chow time.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Goes right into your belly.

It's just a hunch,

but I'm betting this is our man.

Max, he's wearing a German helmet

and lederhosen.

Yeah, I know. Don't notice them.

Don't notice anything.

Always look straight ahead.

Remember, we need that play.

Franz Liebkind?

I was never a member

of the Nazi Party!

I only followed orders.

I had nothing to do with the war.

I didn't even know

there was a war on.

We lived in the back...

...right across from Switzerland.

All we ever heard was yodelling.

- Who are you?!

- Relax.

Mr. Liebkind,

we're not from the government.

We're producers,

Bialystock and Bloom...

...here to talk to you about your play.

- My play?

You mean Springtime for...

...you-know-who?

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