10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #4

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- That's the one.

- What about it?

- We love it. Don't we love it?

- We think it's a masterpiece.

- We want to put it on Broadway.

Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.

Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.

- I must tell my birds.

- Tell your birds.

Otto, Bertha, Heinz,

Heidi, Wolfgang...

...Adolf.

Do you hear?

We are finally going to clear

the Fhrer's name.

Broadway!

You know,

not many people know this...

...but the Fhrer was a terrific dancer.

- Really?

- We didn't know that, did we, Leo?

- No, no, we sure didn't.

That's because you were taken in

by the BBC!

Filthy British lies!

But did they ever say a bad word

about Winston Churchill?

Churchill!

With his cigars, with his brandy

and his rotten paintings.

Rotten!

Hitler.

There was a painter.

He could paint an entire apartment

in one afternoon.

Two coats.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, of course he could,

Mr. Liebkind.

And that is exactly why

we wanna produce your play.

Show the world the true Hitler.

The Hitler you loved...

...the Hitler you knew,

the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Here, Franz Liebkind.

Sign here...

...and make your dream a reality.

- No.

- That's what "nein" means.

First you must prove to me

that you believe as I believe...

...by joining with me and singing and

dancing the Fhrer's favourite tune:

" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

I know.

- " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"?

- " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

No. I could never sing

the Fhrer's favourite...

Delighted. Delighted.

...song.

- Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.

All right. First you will roll up

your pants.

- Rolling?

- Rolling.

- Don't be stingy. Show some leg.

- Alrighty.

- Good.

- Good.

- Key of E?

- Is there any other?

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Ach, du lieber

Und oh, boy

Guten Tag clap clap

Guten Tag slap slap

Ach, du lieber

What a joy

Oh, wir essen und fressen

Und tanzen und trink en

Tanzen und trink en

Until we get stinkin'

- Everybody!

- Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Guten Tag

Mein lieber Schatz

So we hop our hops

Und we clop our clops

Und we drink our Schnaps

Till we platz

You will sway?

We will sway.

Follow me.

Very good.

Whatever you say.

This is a tricky one

Oh, the Hop-Clop.

It's been so long!

Sort of a Nazi hoedown.

Gentlemen, you may

produce my play.

Excellent. Excellent.

Here we are. Here.

But only if you take

the Siegfried Oath.

The Siegfried Oath?

What's that?

A pledge of eternal allegiance

to our beloved Fhrer.

Never...

...took that oath before.

One for me, one for you,

und one for you.

Never... Had one of those on before.

Thanks very much.

- You're welcome.

- Nice colours.

Oh, look, reversible.

- Oh, yeah, you're right.

- Max.

Max, we never

should have started this.

I think we're getting in too deep.

Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when

we're getting in too deep.

All right.

First, you will raise

your right forefinger...

...und repeat after me.

I solemnly swear...

- I solemnly swear...

- I solemnly swear...

...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

- Und...

- Und...

Und...

...never, never, never...

...never, never, never...

...never, never, never...

...dishonour the spirit und the memory

of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

...dishonour the spirit und the...

...dishonour the spirit und the...

- Elizabeth?

- Elizabeth?

Ja, that was his middle name.

Not many people know this...

...but the Fhrer was descended

from a long line of English queens.

Is that right?

Yes.

- Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

- Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

- Good. Now I sign your contract.

- Excellent! Excellent.

Here we are, sir.

Right here on the dotted line.

There you are.

You shall never regret this.

So thank you, Herr Liebkind.

Alrighty, then.

Thank you.

Let it go. Let it go.

Halt!

I forgot to tell you.

The penalty for breaking

the Siegfried Oath...

...is dess.

" Dess"?

Is that anything like "death"?

Yeth.

Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...

...we'll iron out all these

thorny details over strudel.

Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go...

We're trapped! Trapped!

Got it.

Let's have lunch.

What nice guys.

Broadway.

I haven't been so happy

since we crushed Poland.

Hello, the living room of

renowned theatrical director...

...Roger DeBris' elegant

Upper East Side townhouse...

...on a sunny Tuesday

afternoon in June.

Who may I say is calling?

Listen, you broken- down

old queen...

...he was drunk, he was hot,

you got lucky.

- Don't ever call here again.

- Who was that?

Wrong number.

Yes?

Well, hi there.

I'm Max Bialystock and this

is my associate, Mr. Bloom.

We have an appointment

with renowned theatrical director...

...Roger DeBris.

- Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.

- Please. Yes.

- Thank you.

I am Carmen Ghia...

...Mr. DeBris'

common-law assistant.

You are expected.

May I take your hat, your coat

and your swastikas?

Oh, these. We... We...

We just came from this big rally.

Everybody was wearing them.

- You didn't tell me we had those on?

- I didn't notice them.

- You told me to look straight ahead.

- Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?

Oh, Roger.

We're not alone.

Here's Roger.

- Max, he's wearing a dress.

- No kidding.

Roger, good to see you again.

Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom,

I presume?

Forgive the pun.

- What pun?

- Shut up. He thinks he's witty.

Roger, may I say you look gorgeous.

Absolutely gorgeous.

By the way, Max, darling,

we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?

Worshipped it.

To be or not to be

You mean a lot to me

- Showstopper!

- Fabulous.

Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom

is staring at my gown.

- Well, I was...

- I should explain.

I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball.

There is a prize for best costume.

- We always win.

- I'm not so sure about this year.

I'm supposed to be

the Grand Duchess Anastasia...

...but I think I look more like

the Chrysler Building.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, without

your wig on, you're only half dressed.

Well, then,

why don't you go and get it...

...oh, Wicked Witch of the West.

If your intention...

...was to shoot an arrow

through my heart...

...bull's- eye!

Oh, Roger, let's face it,

that building is you.

Listen, I know we sent it to you

only this morning...

...but did you read

Springtime for Hitler?

Read it? I devoured it.

And I find it remarkable.

Remarkable!

I feel it is a very important piece,

drenched with historical goodies.

I, for one, for instance,

never realized that the Third Reich...

...meant Germany.

Yeah, how about that.

Then you'll do it?

Do it? Of course not. It's not my

kind of thing. I mean, Max, please.

World War II?

Too dark, too depressing.

The theatre's so obsessed

With dramas so depressed

It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway

Shows should be more pretty

Shows should be more witty

Shows should be more

What's the word?

- Gay?

- Exactly.

No matter what you do on the stage

Keep it light, k eep it bright

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