10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #5

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Keep it gay

Whether it's murder

Mayhem or rage

Don't complain, it's a pain

Keep it gay

People want laughter

When they see a show

The last thing they're after is

A litany of woe

A happy ending

Will pep up your play

Oedipus won't bomb

If he winds up with Mom

- Keep it gay

- Keep it gay

- Keep it gay

- Keep it gay

Couldn't agree more.

And you have our blessings,

Roger...

...to make Springtime for Hitler just

as gay as anyone could possibly want.

So come on, do it for us. Please.

I'm sorry, Max.

It's simply not my cup of tea.

Still, fair is fair.

I should ask my production team

what they think.

Your production team,

who are they?

You'll see. They all live here.

Guys! Come say hello

to Bialystock and Bloom!

This is my set designer, Brian.

Hello.

Keep it mad, k eep it glad

Keep it gay

- Here's my costume designer, Kevin.

- Hello.

Keep it happy, k eep it snappy

Keep it gay

We're clever, creative

It's our job to see

That everything's perfect

For Mr. DeBris

Scott, my choreographer.

Hi there.

And, finally, last and least...

...my lighting designer,

Shirley Markowitz.

Keep it gay

Keep it gay

Keep it gay

Now, they all just read Springtime.

What did you think of it, fellas?

- It needs glamour

- And glitz

- It needs sequins

- And tits

Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.

Go say something nice to Roger.

I think he likes you.

- But, Max...

- Go on. It's just show biz.

Mr. DeBris. Roger.

Roger, actually,

I think your gown is very stunning.

Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.

Leo.

What is that enchanting

cologne you're wearing?

Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.

You mean that smell is you?

Oh, God.

If I could bottle you, I'd shove you

under my armpits every day.

Oh, Max.

Max, we never should've started this.

- I think we're getting in too deep.

- Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when

we're getting in too deep.

And so the rule is

When mounting a play

Keep it funny

Keep it sunny

Keep it gay

- What should we do?

- Relax. Watch this.

Roger, l...

I think that Springtime for Hitler would

be a marvellous opportunity for you.

I mean, up to now,

you've always been associated with...

Dare I say it? ...frivolous musicals.

You're right.

I've often felt as though...

...l've been throwing my life away

on silly entertainments.

Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.

Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn,

kick, turn.

- Roger.

- It's enough to make you heave.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just

couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.

- Why not? Think of the respect.

- No.

- Think of the prestige.

- No, no, no.

Think of the Tony!

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony

- What's the matter?

- Is he all right?

- He's having a stroke.

- What?

- Of genius!

- I see it at last.

The chance

to do something important.

Roger DeBris presents

History

Of course that second act

has to be rewritten.

They're losing the war? Excuse me,

that's too downbeat.

Roger DeBris presents

History

But maybe...

It's a wild idea,

but it just might work.

I:

See

A line

Of beautiful girls

Dressed as storm troopers

Each one a gem

With leather boots

And whips on their hips

- It's risqu, dare I say, S & M

- Love it!

I see German soldiers

Dancing through France

Played by chorus boys

In very tight pants

And wait, there's more

They'll win the war

And the dances they do

Will be daring and new

Turn, turn, kick, turn.

One, two, three, kick, turn.

Keep it sassy, k eep it classy

Keep it...

That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

I speak for Mr. Bloom

and myself, Roger...

...when I say you are the only man

in the world...

...who could do justice to

Springtime for Hitler.

- Will you do it, please?

- Please.

Wait a minute.

This is a very big decision.

It might affect the course of my life.

I shall have to think about it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it

Sabu, champagne!

If at the end

You want them to cheer

Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

Whether it's Hamlet, Othello

Or Lear

Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

Comedy's joyous

A constant delight

Dramas annoy us

And ruin our night

So k eep your Strindbergs

And Ibsens at bay

- I'll sign

- Sign

- Sign

- Sign

- Sign

- Sign

Sign!

Roger Elizabeth DeBris.

Keep it gay

- Conga!

- Everybody!

And so the rule is

When mounting a play

Keep it gay

Keep it gay

Stop it.

Keep it gay

Exclusive Broadway rights

to the worst show ever written...

...and a signed contract

with the worst director who ever lived.

We're in business.

And what a business.

In the same day,

I'm taking the Siegfried Oath...

...and dancing the conga

with a cop, a sailor...

...and an extremely friendly

Cherokee Indian.

Yeah. Oh, well.

It's not easy

being a Broadway producer.

But together we'll make it.

Partners, Leo. Partners all the way...

...and nothing or no one

will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max.

- Come in.

- Come in.

Bialystock and Bloom?

- What?

- Oh, excuse me.

Swedish.

Casting today?

- Cahstink? Cahstink?

- Cahstink?

- Casting!

- Casting.

No, no, no, miss.

We're not casting yet.

We don't even know when

we're beginning rehearsals...

Yes, we just started

casting today. Yes.

- We're casting?

- Yes. Yes, we're casting.

If you don't mind,

just once in my life...

...l'd like to see somebody

on that couch who's under 85.

What's your name, my dear?

My name is Ulla Inga...

...Hansen Benson Yonsen

Tallen- Hallen Svaden Svanson.

Wait. Wait.

What's your first name?

That was my first name.

You wanna hear my last name?

We don't have the time.

We'll just call you Ulla.

Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?

- Ulla sing and dance.

- Oh, yeah?

- You want Ulla make audition?

- Oh, no, miss.

- That won't be nece...

- Yes, it is " nece."

Extremely nece.

Please. Please make audition.

Make audition all over the office.

- What are you going to sing?

- Well...

...yesterday when I was stepping out

of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo...

...a crazy man

yelled something out the window...

...that inspired me to write this song.

When you got it

Flaunt it

Step right up and strut your stuff

People tell you modesty's a virtue

But in the theatre

Modesty can hurt you

When you got it

Flaunt it

Show your assets

Let 'em know you're proud

Your goodies you must push

Stick your chest out

Shake your tush

When you got it

Shout it out loud

Now Ulla dance.

When you got it

Show it

Put your hidden treasures

On display

Violinists love to play an E string

But audiences really love a G-string

When you got it

Shout it

Let the whole world hear

What you're about

Clothes may make the man

All a girl needs is a tan

When you got it

Let it hang out

- Remember when Ulla dance?

- Yeah.

Ulla dance again.

Ulla dance again!

When I was just a little girl

In Sweden

My thoughtful mother

Gave me this advice

If nature blesses you

From top to bottom

Show that top to bottom

Don't think twice

Now Ulla belt.

Don't think twice!

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