10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #6

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When you got it

Share it

Let the public feast

Upon your charms

People say that being prim

Is proper

But every showgirl knows

That prim will stop her

When you got it

Give it

Don't be selfish

Give it all away

Don't be shy

Be bold and cute

Show the boys your birthday suit

When you got it

If you got it

Once you got it

Shout out

Hooray!

Okey- dokey.

You like it?

Like... Like it?

I want you to know, my dear,

that even though we're sitting down...

...we're giving you

a standing ovation.

She's in the show.

Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know

if there's a part for her in the show.

Would you excuse us, my dear?

Nonsense, Bloom.

Bloom,

do I have to teach you everything?

There is always a part

for the producer's girlfriend.

But we don't even know

when we're starting rehearsal yet.

So what? So what?

We're producers, aren't we?

So until she goes into the show,

she can work for us here.

Because we need...

Nay, deserve to have ourselves a...

Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous

Swedish secretary/receptionist.

But, Max, a secretary who doesn't

speak English? What will people say?

They'll say:

Offer her the job, please?

Just a moment, miss.

We might have a position for you.

As a matter of fact, we might

have several positions for you.

Until the show gets going...

...we can offer you a job here

as a secretary/receptionist.

Secretary/receptionist?

Okey/dokey!

I can do that.

Answer telephone.

Bialystock and Bloom.

Bialystock and Bloom.

Smart as a whip.

You're hired!

Well... Well, all right. If he says so,

I don't have a...

Secretary/receptionist.

And maybe you can tidy up

around here a little bit too.

Tidy up? Tidy up.

Such a funny word.

What means "tidy up"?

- You know, clean.

- Make look nice.

- Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up.

- Very good.

What time can you be here

in the morning?

Well, Ulla wake up every morning,

From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.

From to 7 to 8,

Ulla like to take long shower.

From to 8 to 9, Ulla like

to have big Swedish breakfast.

Many different herrings.

From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice

her singing and her dancing.

And at 11, Ulla like to have sex.

What time should I get here?

- Eleven.

- Eleven.

Good. Ulla will come at 11.

Ulla will come at 11.

God bless America!

God bless Sweden.

Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.

The most beautiful girl

I've ever seen.

I've never felt this way before.

It's like a volcano erupting

inside of me...

...like hot lava rising higher

and higher and...

What is that, Max?

What is it?

It's called an erection.

It's either that or malaria.

But don't worry,

they have shots for everything now.

Come here,

I want to show you something.

- What do you see?

- Nothing.

Exactly. But now that we've got

our sure- fire flop...

...it's gonna be our job

to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.

Two million?

Gee, how much do we put in?

How much...?

How much do we put in?

Bloom...

...the two cardinal rules

of being a Broadway producer...

...are one, never put

your own money in the show.

And two?

Never put your own money

in the show!

- Get it?

- Got it.

- Good.

- So how do we raise the money?

How? I'll tell you how.

From my investors.

Hundreds of little old ladies...

...all looking to Max Bialystock for one

last thrill on their way to the cemetery.

So in the days to come, Bloom,

you shall see very little of me.

And right now,

I'd like to see very little of you.

Scram while I get myself ready.

For Max Bialystock

is about to launch himself...

...into little- old-lady land.

The time has come

To be a lover from the Argentine

To slick my hair down

With brilliantine

And gargle heavily

With Listerine

It's time for Max

To put his back ers on their backs

And thrill them with amazing acts

Those aging nymphomaniacs

They were helpless

They were hopeless

Then along came Bialy

They were joyless

They were boy-less

Then along came Bialy

They're my angels

I'm their devil

And I k eep those embers aglow

When I woos 'em

I can't lose 'em

'Cause I cast my spell

And they start yellin'

"Fire down below!"

So romantic

They were frantic

Then their prayers were heard

Up above

Heaven sent them

Their Bialy

I'm the celebration of love

Who is it? Who is it?

It's Max Bialystock.

Maxy.

Fire down below!

We were listing

We were sinking

Then along came Bialy

We were desperate

We were drinking

- Then along came Bialy

- Who's your daddy?

So romantic

We were frantic

Then our prayers were heard

Up above

It's Bialy

Hey, Bialy

He's the culmination

The restoration

The consummation

The titillation

Ejaculation

He's the celebration of love

Thank you.

Bloom! Bloom!

What, Max? What?

I've done it. I've done it,

I've raised the 2 million.

Now all we have to do is put on

the biggest flop in history.

That's great!

We can't miss

I gotta make the next payment

on the theatre by 3:00 or else...

Sorry, wrong office.

Bialystock. Bloom.

Max. Leo.

- Ulla?

- Ulla?

What happened to the office?

Like you tell Ulla, "tidy up."

Tidy "oop"?

How did you find the time

to do all this?

- I skip lunch.

- Of course you did.

- Very nice.

- She skipped lunch.

Almost 3.

That payment to the Shuberts.

I'll get the cash from the safe.

You make sure

all those contracts are signed.

Yes, Max.

She painted over the numbers.

Hello, boys.

Nobody knows

what I went through to get you.

Ulla knows.

You had to shtupp

every little old lady in New York.

That's right. That's right.

And I've still got

the denture bites to prove it.

Work, work, work. Work, work, work.

So, Mr. Bloom.

We are all alone.

Yes, we are, aren't we?

Why Bloom go so far camera right?

Bloom no like Ulla?

Ulla like Bloom.

Bloom like Ulla, all right.

- Maybe a little too much.

- Good.

I'm glad.

Why Bloom need blue blanket?

Oh, it's not important.

It's just a minor compulsion.

It's that I've...

I've had it ever since

I was a baby, and I...

You're a little too close.

The urge to merge

Can rob us of our senses

The need to breed

Can make a man a drone

We must be on alert

With our defences

For every skirt will test

Testosterone

So knowing this

I severed all connection

With any creature

Sporting silk or lace

I was firmly headed

In the right direction

When suddenly I stumbled on

That face

That face

That face

That dangerous face

I mustn't be unwise

Those lips

That nose

Those eyes

Could lead to my demise

That face

That face

That marvellous face

I never should begin

Those cheeks

That neck

That chin

Will surely do me in

I must be smart

And hide my heart

If she's within a mile

If I don't duck

I'm out of luck

She'd kill me with her smile

That face

That face

That fabulous face

It's clear I must beware

I'm certain if I fall in love

I'm lost without a trace

But it's worth it

For that face

Bloom help Ulla down?

All right. Bloom help Ulla down.

That face

That face

That lovable face

It melts my Swedish heart

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