10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #7

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I'm certain if I fall in love

I'm lost without a trace

But it's worth it

For that face

Again! Arabesque, prepare...

...pirouette and twirl.

And goose step, goose step...

...waltz-clog and kick. Again!

Arabesque, prepare,

pirouette and twirl.

And goose step, goose step,

waltz-clog and kick! Again!

Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!

- Halt!

- Halt.

- Halt!

- Halt!

- This is bedlam! Bedlam!

- This is bedlam! Bedlam!

Shut up!

We must have some order here.

Will all the dancing Hitlers

please wait off-stage right...

...and all the singing Hitlers

off-stage left.

Get that way.

Carmen,

call in a singing Hitler, please.

Yes, darling... Roger.

"Jacques LaPidus."

"Jacques LaPidus."

"Jack Lapidus."

Well, Jack, what are you

going to sing for us?

I would like to sing

"A Wandering Minstrel I."

If you must.

A wandering minstrel I

A thing of shreds and

- Thank you!

- Patches

Next, please.

" Donald Dinsmore."

Well, Donald, if we...

Well, Donald, l...

- Hi, how are you?

- That's all right, Donald.

Hello. Yes.

Now, what are you

going to sing for us, friend?

I'd like to sing

"The Little Wooden Boy."

Thank you.

Next!

"Jason Green."

Well, Jason,

what have you been up to lately?

For the last 16 years, I have been

touring in No No Nietzsche.

- You played Nietzsche?

- No, no.

What are you gonna sing for us?

" Have You Ever Heard

the German Band?"

- No.

- That is the name of the song...

...I am going to sing.

Play it, please.

Speed it up.

Haben Sie gehrt

Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang

Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

Oh, haben Sie gehrt...

Halt! Halt!

Halt! No, no, no.

This man could never play

Adolf Hitler.

The Fhrer wasn't

a mousy little mama's boy.

The Fhrer was butch!

And that is not how you sing...

..." Haben Sie gehrt

das deutsche Band?"

This is how you sing " Haben Sie

gehrt das deutsche Band?"

B-flat. Two-two time!

Modulate at the bridge!

Haben Sie gehrt

Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang

Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

Oh, haben Sie gehrt

Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang

Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

Russian folk songs

Und French ooh-la-la

Can't compare

With the German oom-pah-pah

We're saying

Haben Sie gehrt

Das deutsche Band?

Mit a zetz

Mit a zap

Mit a zing

Polish polkas

They're stupid und they're rotten

It don't mean a thing

If it ain't got that

Schweigen-reigen-schone-

Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten

Key change!

We're saying

Haben Sie gehrt

Das deutsche Band?

Mit a zetz

Mit a zap

Mit a zing

It's the only kind of music

That we Hans und our honeys

Love to sing

That's our Hitler!

Have your tickets ready.

Have your tickets ready.

This way, please.

This way, please.

Take your seats.

Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.

- Enjoy the show.

- Thank you.

- Oh, Mr. Bloom.

- Oh, Mr. Bloom.

- You look so handsome.

- Thank you.

Leo!

Leo, who said

you could wear that hat?

Nobody, Max. But I thought now that

I'm the producer of a Broadway show...

- Has the curtain gone up yet?

- No.

- Has the curtain come down yet?

- No.

Then you're not a producer yet.

Give me that hat.

Mr. Bloom! Leo.

Your tie is all askew.

Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.

Have a good show.

Roll them in the aisles.

Okey- dokey.

I will try to.

But there's just so many of them.

Gee, I thought we were partners,

sharing everything 50-50.

Now I'm out in the cold, and you two

are busy askewing each other.

Askewing? Never, Max.

Hugs and kisses, yes,

but that's as far as I go.

Gunter, you will pick me up back here

right after the curtain.

Oh, God, will they love us?

Will they hate us?

The suspense is killing me.

I know.

I feel like I'm going into labour.

Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom.

Well, gentlemen, merde.

And I just wanna

wish everybody good luck.

- What? What did you say?

- Bite your tongue.

Well, what's the matter?

All I said was "good luck."

- He said it again.

- Hasn't anyone ever told you?

It's bad luck to say "good luck"

On opening night

If you do

I tell you

It is certain by the curtain

You are through

Good luck.

It's bad luck to say "good luck"

On opening night

Once it's said

You are dead

You will get the worst reviews

You ever read

Good luck.

Even at the Comdie Franaise

On the opening night

They are scared

"Bonne chance, mes amis"

No one says

- The only word you'll ever hear is

- Merde

Good luck, good luck, good luck.

It's verboten

Wishing luck on opening night

Take advice

Don't think twice

Or your show will surely end up

In the Scheiss

At the famous La Scala in Milan

On opening night it's a rule

"Al bocca lupo," they say with lan

And just for luck they all shout

- "Vaffanculo"

- I got it

Now I'll never say "good luck"

On opening night

That's the rule

I'm no fool

What do I say, I beg?

What you say is "break a leg"

- Break a leg?

- Yeah.

- Break a leg.

- Break a leg.

If you're clever

Good luck.

You'll endeav our

To never, never, never, never

Ever, ever, ever say

On opening night

Five minutes to curtain.

Curtain going up in five minutes.

I'm late. I must run!

- Break a leg!

- Break a leg!

Franz, what happened?

I broke my leg.

Now we'll have to cancel the show

and give everyone their money back.

Money back?

Money back?

Money back.

Don't ever say that again.

Money back?

Never.

We gotta think of something else.

But Franz plays Hitler, Max,

and he has no understudy.

You're right. What are we gonna do?

There must be a way out.

If I could only think of something.

Some way. Some...

Hold it. I got it.

Roger, you. You could play Hitler.

You know every line in the show.

I've seen you at rehearsal, always

moving your lips along with the actors.

It's an embarrassing habit.

I'm trying to break myself of it.

But me play Hitler? No!

There's no way I could go on tonight.

I don't have the strength.

I don't have the courage.

I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!

- Wow, that hurt.

- Roger.

Listen to me.

You can do it.

You know you can do it,

and I know you can do it.

You've been waiting all your lifetime

for this chance.

And I'm not gonna let you

pass it up.

You're going out there a silly,

hysterical, screaming queen.

But you're coming back

a great big...

...passing-for-straight

Broadway star.

All right. You're right.

I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!

I've got to get into makeup.

Quick, get Franz's Hitler moustache.

And, oh! My lucky

Gloria Swanson mole.

Got it!

Leo, the overture.

Let's go.

- Max.

- What?

This is it!

- Good luck, Leo.

- Good luck, Max.

Germany was having trouble

What a sad, sad story

Needed a new leader

To restore its former glory

Where, oh, where was he?

Where could that man be?

We look ed around

And then we found

The man for you and me

And now it's

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Deutschland is happy and gay

We're marching to a faster pace

Look out

Here comes the master race

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

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