13 Demons

1

- State your name.

State your name.

- Torkul of Darkhaven.

- Address?

- You may address

me as Abelsworth.

Lord of the high wind.

- Is that also known as

1205 Washington Lane?

- Surely you jest.

The realm of Darkhaven,

where we all reside.

- Do you take drugs?

- If you're trying

with your evil tricks

it will not work with me, sir.

- Come on man, we're not

gonna bust you for that.

You're not here for that.

Do you take drugs?

- Golden paladin needs no

mind-altering substances

to complete his quest.

- Do you take prescription

medications of any kind?

- I am not any of the clerics.

Mystical winds.

- Do you drink?

- Of course not, not when

my quest is still underway.

- What is your mission?

- To rid the realm of the

13 demons of the apocalypse.

May I go now?

- I am golden paladin

of the knight's order

of the high wind.

Once I have completed their

destruction and annihilation,

I will have freed the realm,

and I will have brought

peace to all man kind.

- Why 13?

- It's a sacred number

written down in the tomes.

It's taught through all of time.

- You know that we've had 12

murders in the last month?

- I do not care about murders.

If they are but of the

quest, they matter.

- And this is all

part of your mission?

- Yes, I must complete my quest.

- So when you say

demons, you mean humans?

- I've grown tired.

I've grown tired of

your questioning.

The demons are the ones

that have held us back.

- As foretold in the

tomes to bring forth

the end of everything is...

- what did you kill them with?

- I killed them with the

anointed dagger of Bastooge.

- You mean this?

A stick.

- My weapon, you have it.

May I have it back, please?

Sacred scimitar of Azcarden.

- Is this it?

A pipe.

- A pipe, you fool?

Your eyes look upon a

sacred relic all time

and you see a simple pipe?

- Please, I can see

you are a noble man,

I can see that in your eye.

Please give me my weapon.

I am on a divine quest.

- No.

- This the kind of men

you have in your kingdom?

- I understand little

of this inquiry.

Little of your

advantages towards me.

Why will you not release

me from this elven dungeon?

- Recognize this fella?

November 15.

Killed Dickie Collins.

- Yes.

He was the one who

welcomed us to this realm.

He set this all into motion.

- He was the Shepherd

of the high wind.

He brought us in.

- Before the prophecy,

as foretold in the tomes.

- He showed us the ways to

kill the demonic citadels.

- Why?

Why?

Challenge accepted.

- Hey guys.

Hey, you'll never guess what.

You'll never guess.

Sh*t, dude, I'm sorry man.

Look, no, no, no.

- God damn it, dude.

Challenge accepted.

- God damn it, man, I've

been playin' Bridges and

f***in' knights for 12 hours.

God damn it, dude, f***!

- Listen, listen.

- You know how

pristine I keep my set.

- All right, what is

so god damn important

you gotta come in

here kickin' sh*t?

I'm right in the middle of

gettin' to the reaper here,

I've never gotten that far,

this is dragon lair,

for god's sake,

you know what this

sh*t is like, come on!

- This is better.

- What the hell is this, dude?

- 13 demons.

I mean, you remember?

You don't remember,

the game, the game,

30 years ago it was banned.

People who played it, they

got so obsessed with it

they started killin'

other people and sh*t.

They actually thought that

they were these characters

in the game.

It was like dark ages, man.

I mean, they threw it

all on the streets, man.

They burned 'em and sh*t.

You don't remember this?

- I mean, rest assured, if

it was worth remembering,

I would remember it,

but I don't remember it.

- They don't even f***in'

spell demons right.

- This is f***ing rare,

man, this is huge!

I mean, check it out.

- This smells, man.

It's got a castle.

- Where did you get it?

- Argon's, argon's.

Old man argon, you know,

his bookstore's goin'

out of business.

You know Janet, you know, the

senile, his wife, you know?

- Oh.

- Isn't she like the one

with the wizard sleeve

and all that?

- Dude, she sold it to

me for like two bucks,

she doesn't know anything

about the dark

origin of this game.

I can't even believe that

old man argon even had this.

- 13 demons, dude.

I mean.

I mean, it sounds like a

throw back metal hair band

from 1984.

- This is die cast.

This sh*t's quality.

- Yeah, and where's the shoe?

- Take a look at

this crap now, man.

Look, it's heavy.

- Ooh.

- There was much rejoicing, yay!

I don't know, man.

- Dude, let me see that, man.

- What else is in there?

- Smells old.

Looks old.

Looks dumb.

And it's all moldy, it's not.

It's not even that old, dude.

Nah.

- Does it say made in Taiwan?

Oh.

That's some Jumanji sh*t.

- God damn.

- Ugh.

- Oh, what is that sh*t?

- It's the rule book.

- That's the rule book?

- You wanna play?

Um.

I think there's.

Wait a minute, hold on.

- Do you even know

where we start from?

- Well yeah, yeah, you can

start on any of the, um.

Uh, any of the, eh.

Wait no, wait hold

on one second.

Like reading this stuff,

it's like reading Beowulf,

you know, I mean.

Okay, so we are,

we're golden paladins,

we can start at any

corner in our realm.

- These are the realms.

- Yes, every four

corner, that's a realm.

So when we kill all of

our demons in our realm,

we can meet in the middle,

but we cannot enter

the citadel yet

where the king is imprisoned.

See, I mean, it's a lot easier

if we're playin' with four.

- So where do we

start from, though?

- You can start anywhere

here, I believe,

it's the closest gray

block from any corner,

you can pick, but it has

to be in your own domain.

- So we put these

little army men dude

on the triangle?

- These are forests.

- Well, what's up with

the triangles, then?

- Well, you can't

go through 'em.

- Why can't we go

through the forest?

- I don't now, it's just

like every game board,

they have to make it more

entertaining and stuff.

You know, it's like why are

there little Bridges here?

It's just to make it more

pleasurable, I guess.

So you go there, actually,

no you go right there

because you cannot be right

next to those red things.

- So what are the reds, then?

- Those are the demon bases.

- Demon base.

I heard some demon bass

on a track the other day.

It was sweet.

I don't like this, though.

That was more interesting, that.

- So, first off, we kill

each of those 13 demons

outside of any of the other

lollygagging that we do

through these events, through

the valley of whatever,

discontent, and yada yada yada.

- I know, it's like a

choose your own adventure.

- Then do we absorb

their souls or something?

Is this Tekken?

What are we doing?

- So this is how it works.

So here I am, I'm

on my orange circle,

it says you come

to dead druid pass.

You see many boulders that

is blocking your entrance

to the demon base.

- Demon base.

- Your only options

are to turn right...

- the f*** around.

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