2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

1864, April 22nd.

I remember that day

like It was yesterday.

A renegade troop

of Northern soldiers

fought In the so called

Civil War,

raped our women,

murdered our children,

even took out

my goddamn eye

I can still hear

Granny's cries

as they burnt Pleasant

Valley to the ground.

They killed us all,

doomed us

to a life in limbo.

Nothing more

than ghosts seeking revenge.

Guess that's the way

the good Lord wants It.

Eye for eye, tooth for tooth,

as the Old Testament says.

One thing's for certain,

our souls ain't

ever gonna find rest

'til all 2001 are avenged

Yes, sir, name's Buckman.

Mayor James W. Buckman.

And here In Pleasant Valley,

the anniversary of our

tragic massacre has arrived.

And so have we.

Knives have been

sharpened for justice,

table set for revenge.

We try to make sport of it

for the little ones.

No reason vengeance

can't be fun.

Only thing missing

are the Yanks.

And so, yet again,

we wait.

Must admit Granny's been

deeply loyal through the decades.

Just ain't Into rubbing

ankles with her no more.

Last time we did,

I popped my son.

Filthy scum.

I think that's

them coming now.

What in the blazes-?

Yee-haw I

Come on.

# The South's

Gonna rise again

# The South's

Gonna rise again #

Yeah I Yee-haw I

# The South's

Gonna again #

You ain't gonna

like this none, Daddy.

Sheriff Freeman here, done

tore down the detour sign

Will you please?

# Yeah I #

Damn!

What seems to be the problem

here, my good Sheriff Freeman?

The problem, my good man, is every

spring I get calls from State police

after yours little festival,

looking for missing Northern folk.

Up 'til now, I've played

ball ya'll,

but now I've got Ben

sniffing around my butt.

"You've played ball, " because we've

paid you quite a generous bounty

for your stewardship, ain't

that right, sweet cream?

You didn't mind me when you was

a cub scout, you little Davy?

No, ma'am.

You wouldn't be pretending

you can resist me?

No, ma'am.

That's what I thought.

Look, milk or no milk, I ain't dropping

the soap in prison for none of ya'.

Ain't gonna be

no more jamborees.

No more feastin',

no more killin'.

None of it!

Is that clear?

Clear as

a nighttime kiss,

on a young

possum's cooch.

This town used to be a jewel

on the crown of the South.

You maniacs squeezed it into a turd.

Now hush up, you big baby,

you're ruining all the fun.

Amen, Harper. Such Ingratitude

brings a tear to my eye

when I think of all the hard work

that went into making this thrill ride.

Am I

right, folks?

Yeah!

Damn you

and your thrill ride.

Well if that's how you feel I'll

have to tickle you on the way down.

Hold on a minute,

wait a minute ya'II.

Come on.

Hold on.

We'll make a deal.

No!

No? No.

F*** you and your maniacs!

Wait, wait a minute.

Bye-bye.

No. No!

Okay, folks,

what time is it?

Roll out the barrel!

The what?

Roll out the!

I'm- I'm sorry,

I can't hear you.

Kill that mother f***er!

You got it! One,

two,

three!

Ugh I

Bulls eye!

Ooh!

Oh! Let's hear some

of that 'oI death rattle!

I'll see you

in hell, Buckman.

We're already there.

Ugh!

# Rot in hell

Rot in hell #

Ah, well, Bucky,

if the Northern folk

won't come to the South-

Well, we'll bring

the South to them!

Right there on the road,

don't forget to check

the backseat.

Next week on Road Rascals

the Old South gets

a taste of Beverly Hills,

as America's favorite debutantes Rome

and Tina Sheraton, head to Georgia.

Watch out,

red states.

'Cause we're

coming your way.

I hear the South

smells like sh*t.

Isn't the Liberty

Bell In?

I hear they have these bugs there,

called chiggers, that sleep in your puss.

Those Mexican cleaning ladies

better not b*tch us out.

My sister has got to

ditch that icky dead dog,

yeah it was sad when Biscuit died

but then Rome got it taxidermed.

I cannot stand my

sister's boyfriend, Falcon.

He's so gay. Hello?

Tina's, not for sure,

but, you know,

it's not like we're

married or anything, so.

Yo, yo, yo, what plays in

Georgia, stays in Georgia.

Just don't tell Rome.

Right, bro?

All this and more,

next week on Road Rascals.

So, that's the promo.

Nice.

Don't you

just love it?

Absolutely. Red

state, blue state,

Rome and Tina Sheraton,

the wing of the left flying deep

Into the heart of the rights.

I think we're talking

Golden Globe on this one.

Why so

shortsighted, Jerry,

I mean, why not Pulitzer, or the Nobel?

What could possibly

be more prize winning

than these two jiggling their

tits across the heartland?

Bristol, please.

Well, I know Mommy's

little Biscuit loved it.

Didn't she?

Mommy's little Biscuit

doesn't love anything any more,

will you bury that already.

It f***in' stinks.

Why do you have to be

such a goddamn tool, K-Jay?

I'm not the one smacking

a stuffed corpse.

Tina.

Falcon.

Stop bagging

on the rat.

Ow! I mean, K, can't you show

Biscuit just a little respect?

Bro, who's on the f***ing

leash? You or the bag of sawdust?

Look, dude. I kiss her

ass, she makes me famous.

F***ing cheapskates put some damn

curtain like I'm the f***ing hired help.

Where the f***

are we anyway?

Iowa? What

the f*** Is In Iowa?

I shouldn't have

let you drive.

Will you get off

your rag already?

How many times

do I have to tell you?

Momma wants a hard shell taco when

all you got is a soggy chingadera.

Shut up, baby.

I got a hard shell taco. You need

to supersize it. Now back to work.

Come on, come on.

There you go.

Now shut the f*** up

and suck it.

Yes, yes, yes, I can see. I can see It.

I see a new

moon rising.

Excuse me I've had

enough of this sh*t

I know you

and these asses

like to do whatever you

want down Rodeo drive,

but here,

I'm the producer

I'm the boss There'll

be no party, no drugs,

and no sex!

Do you think you can put that no

sex clause in Jerry's contract?

There's no respect, I'm the

driver, the production assistant,

I'm the f***ing caterer

the f***ing-

F***, f***, baby.

We're full time party girls,

Val. Okay? It's what we do.

And it's like, you don't

want us doing what we do.

Yeah, like making me wear

panties to the Saturn A wards,

or not letting Rome shave her head.

Girls, girls, it's not

about wearing panties

or shaving

your puss- Head,

It's about not letting these

parasitic boyfriends drag you down.

You got to evolve

into modern women.

More like modern

rug munchers.

Sh*t- Uh-

Uh, uh, Madre de Dios Madre de Dios

Damn I

What happened?

Get off of me

What the f***

is wrong with you, Jezus?

It's "Jesus", puta, and I

hit a f***ing detour sign.

I n the middle

of the road?

Yeah.

How much is this

gonna cost me, Jesus?

Knowing your cheap ass, you probably

didn't even insure this piece of sh*t,

so I just made you

some money, bruja.

Look, they spelled it

the French way.

Where the f***

are we anyway?

Iowa.

How the f***

did we get to Iowa?

Sorry, I was a little bit distracted.

Hey, we could

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