200 Cigarettes Page #3

That is unless you're right,

and nobody shows up.

Well, if they do,

you have my word...

any interesting guy

walks through that door,

he's yours.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

You have first pick.

I'll usher them

right over to you.

OK, but not in an obvious way.

I don't wanna look desperate.

Desperate?

You could stand there naked

with a mattress

strapped to your back

and still look like

a vestal virgin.

Do you think that would work?

Where do they get these people?

You know?

[Moaning And Mumbling]

Hey, Luce...

I can't believe how drunk I am.

You're hiding it well.

You're right

about New Year's Eve.

It sucks.

That bartender

doesn't even know I'm alive.

He has ceased refilling

the peanut bowl.

Hey!

Can I get some penis over here?

What were you two

doing back there?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

Do you have a light?

You were gone almost 20 minutes.

- No, I mean a match.

- Eric, will you relax?

Look, I've been sitting here

waiting all this time.

I deserve an explanation.

- Thank you.

- Will you get a grip?

Look, I got a grip.

Could I have an explanation?

I'm really bad at this.

Really? I had you figured

for a... for a

hardened professional.

Uh, you wanna break?

Uh... look, it's just a game.

It's no big deal. Relax.

- OK.

- OK.

All right. Here you go.

Thanks.

- Your drink!

- What?

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Ohh! Ohh!

God... excuse me!

Oh, ha ha! Sorry.

I got your, uh, drink.

Oh, my God! Val!

Val, this is it. This is B.

We're on B.

Oh, come on.

We're almost there.

I'm pretty sure

I remember this block.

No! No, I'm not taking

one more step.

What's the matter with you?

Val, you're crossing onto B, OK?

I'm not moving from this corner.

So freeze your f***ing ass off!

I'm going to the party.

Something terrible

is gonna happen

if you cross that street!

I feel it in my gut!

Will you get a hold

of yourself!

Nothing terrible's

gonna happen to us.

We're going to a party

is all.

Val! Val!

Please listen to me!

We are so lost!

We are so f***ed!

Just please, call your mother.

Come on.

[Homeless Man Singing]

[Sighs]

OK.

Where are you going?

I gotta find a phone,

don't I?

Well, there are phones

on A, you know.

[Boom Box Playing Rap Music]

[Whimpering]

What's up?

Man.

- Mmm-mmm.

- Mmm-mmm.

We are so incredibly f***ed.

Val?

Val!

Val!

[Music Plays]

Ohh!

Oh...

Oh...

Oh, God.

Ohh...

Oh...

Ohh!

[Gasps]

Oh. Oh...

That's just great.

That's perfect.

Yeah!

Ohh, look at that.

Fantastic.

Ah, it's Ellie.

Yeah. That's Ellie.

Mad Woman.

Ha ha!

She knew I'd be here,

so she deliberately

put these up.

Well, you know what?

It's not gonna work, Ellie.

It's not gonna work

'cause I'm doin' just fine

without you.

Yeah, Kevin,

you're doin' just great.

F***ing...

Oh...

Ow!

This is... oh...

This is bullshit. L...

Look, I'm just gonna go home

and kill myself.

You want to share a cab?

So I can pass out

and wake up alone

on New Year's Day?

No way, man.

I'm going to this party.

I've got a date.

A date?

Yep.

What, with the bartender?

Yeah, with the bartender.

You should come, Kevin.

You might meet somebody.

No way.

I refuse to buy into

the desperation

of finding someone

just because it's New Year's Eve.

It's ridiculous and demeaning.

Life is ridiculous

and demeaning, Kevin.

You should have sex

on your birthday.

What is that,

some kind of unwritten rule?

Gangway, please.

Yeah, it's a rule.

In fact...

Forget it.

Wait. What?

Nothing.

- Forget what?

- Nothing.

Well... Well...

Lucy.

Are you...

Are you offering yourself to me?

Well... no, l...

I just thought if this thing

with the bartender...

doesn't work out...

Yeah, right.

You think I'm ugly.

Well, I think you're drunk.

You think I'm ugly.

Lucy.

You know I don't have

ugly people for friends.

Fine.

This is just...

It's a waste of time.

You're hell-bent on eliminating

all traces of joy

from this fine holiday.

[Muttering, lmitating Lucy]

...fine holiday!

? She said?

[Snoring]

Hey!

- Hey.

- Wake up.

- What?

- What time is it?

It's 9:
25.

Yeah.

[Sing-Song]

Yeah.

Why do you think

they're doing this to me,

Hillary?

I don't know.

I think I'm finally

reaching the point

of acceptance, though.

I mean about no one showing up.

It's kind of liberating.

In a way.

Like...

like coming face to face

with your worst nightmare.

Like facing death.

For Christ's sake,

it's not like facing death.

It's just a stupid

New Year's Eve party.

You're turning on me, too?

OK, that's it.

I'm leaving.

What? What?

No, no. You're my only guest.

You can't leave before midnight.

I'll be back later.

No, you won't.

You say you will,

but you won't.

Hillary, please, please,

please don't leave me here

all alone

with the streamers

and the crab dip.

I can't take it!

Jesus! Do you hear yourself?

Hillary, listen.

You want to meet

interesting guys, right?

If you stay,

I'll give you Eric.

Eric? Who's Eric?

You know, Eric,

my last boyfriend.

I don't believe

I recall an Eric.

Hillary, Jesus,

we only broke up 6 months ago.

Look, I don't remember

who I was dating

You remember Eric.

The painter,

the one with the accent.

Remember when we went

to a show together?

He does all these big abstract

paintings with the, um...

Oh, with the flowers?

Yes, exactly.

He isn't seeing anyone?

Not anyone worth mentioning.

OK. I'll do it.

You'll stay?

No, no. I'm still leaving.

But now I'll come back.

What... What do you mean,

you'll come back?

We made a deal.

I know, but I wasn't

coming back before.

Now I will.

But... No, that's...

that's not our deal.

Our deal was you're

not supposed to leave!

Ohh!

Woman:
Maria!

Are you breaking up with me?

I don't know what to say.

I thought everything was fine.

Look, to tell you the truth,

I'm still in love

with my old boyfriend.

He's French-Canadian.

Yeah, and I met him...

while... I was...

Camping.

Camping.

Ha ha ha.

I don't believe this.

We didn't even

officially break up.

Um, he just...

disappeared.

Disappeared?

While we were on

a mountain-climbing trip.

We all thought he was dead.

But he called

this morning, so...

So he just called you up

out of the blue.

Just called you up to say,

Hey, how are you?

I'm not dead.

That's right.

Well, that's the most

ridiculous story

I've ever heard

in my entire life.

Eric, Jesus, Eric...

And what kind of woman

are you anyway,

just blurting it out like this

in the street on New Year's Eve?

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry?

Yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah,

well, you better

be sorry, sweetheart,

because you're the one

that has to live with this.

Not me. You're the one

inventing old boyfriends

and bringing them back

from the dead.

And you, with your

sordid little agenda.

Well... Oh, I've had it with you.

You deserve each other.

I don't believe this!

Oh, my God.

Do you believe him?

Really.

Do you believe him?

Like it's your fault

he's bad in bed.

[Rock Music Playing]

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