200 Cigarettes Page #4

There's no answer.

Oh, my God,

there's no answer?

What the f***

is your mother doing

not answering her phone?

I don't know. Maybe she went

to a party or something.

Oh, my God.

Or maybe she's down

in the laundry room.

Well, what the f***

are we supposed to do,

hang out for the rinse cycle

or something?

I don't know.

All right, this is

what you're gonna do.

You're going to call this band

and tell them we're meeting

them early, all right?

End of story.

I can't.

What do you mean you can't?

I just can't, all right?

Oh, my God.

There is no band, is there?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you.

The liar who's been

bragging for months

about how we're gonna

meet this band

on New Year's Eve

in New York City,

when there ain't no band.

There ain't no nothing.

It was the only way

I could get you

to come into the city with me.

I bet your cousin

isn't even having a party.

She is having a party.

I just need the address.

All right, look.

We'll go in here,

we'll get a couple beers,

and I'll try it again later.

We don't belong in there, Val.

We don't belong on B.

We're in way over our heads here.

Stephie, we got money,

we got fake I.D.s.

From where I'm standing,

we got just as much right

to be in there

as anybody else.

Oh, my God.

What? What's the matter?

It's those guys.

It's those guys.

They're definitely following us.

Are they cute?

- Val!

- I'm just asking.

All right, come on, let's go.

Stephie:
Excuse me!

You know what?

I can't even tell you

how many men I've f***ed.

I believe you.

I couldn't... I couldn't

even make a list anymore.

That's how many there are.

Lucy, I believe you f***ed

many, many men, OK?

A lot more than Ellie.

Just drop this now, please.

That's for sure.

She's too busy being expressive

and making trivial

performance art

to attract anybody but you.

And Jack, of course.

What?

Well, Jack will f*** anybody.

Ellie and Jack?

When did that happen?

I don't know.

Three weeks ago, a month.

Recently?

While we were still together?

Why didn't you tell me?

Kevin, I thought you knew.

Everybody knew.

Apparently not everyone.

I can't believe this.

It must be part of

the whole Zelda thing.

The whole, you know,

high-strung,

tempestuous,

castrating,

b*tch from hell,

make my life miserable persona.

You know, this is turning out

to be the worst birthday ever.

l... I wasn't expecting much,

but this is an unprecedented low.

Don't try to make me

feel sorry for you.

Don't even start.

'Cause I'm... I'm so sick

of your sh*t tonight.

You know what, Kevin?

We're going to that party.

We're going to that party,

and we're going to have fun,

whether you like it or not.

And you know what?

You better pray

that the bartender shows up.

Oh!

Wow. That was

pretty embarrassing.

I mean, that was awful.

The pool table,

the lamp, and everything.

It's OK.

I never planned

on going back there

again anyway, so.

Jack, maybe I should

just go home.

If that's what you want.

Uh, OK. I'll... I'll

call you a cab.

We could do it again

another time.

Absolutely. Sure.

You know, when there

isn't so much pressure.

Pressure?

Yeah, you know.

Big New Year's Eve date thing.

And plus, I've never really done

the kind of thing

I did last night.

Taxi!

Goddamn it.

As a matter of fact,

I've ne...

I never really did it at all.

Did what?

You know...

It.

It. You never...

You never did it?

Oh, well, no.

You're kidding me.

Why didn't you tell me?

I guess I was afraid

you were going to think

I was some kind of freak

or something.

So what you're saying

is that I was your first?

Yeah.

First, first.

Like I was the first guy

that you ever let...

Ha ha ha. Yeah.

- Ever?

- Yeah.

Yes.

Wow.

Ha ha. You're... You're

embarrassing me, Jack.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I'm stunned. This has never

happened to me before.

Well, now you know how I feel.

But why me? I mean,

we hardly knew each other.

You know, I don't

really feel comfortable

talking about this.

Well, that's OK.

l... I understand.

Ah-choo!

God, oh, you must be freezing.

What am I doing?

Let me get you inside.

Are you hungry?

Um, what, you don't

want me to go home?

No, no, no, don't go home.

Stay. Stay.

Let's get some food in you,

and then we'll go to

the party later, together.

Are you sure?

I'm... I'm really sure.

Come on. I know this great

little Indian place nearby.

You like Indian?

Well, sure!

I mean, if you do.

Bartender:

This is where it is.

It's, uh, it's supposed

to be a good party.

You guys should come by.

- Yeah.

- Thanks. We will.

Yeah, fine.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, he's so cute.

Yeah, OK, it's almost 10:00,

and, um, we've got to get dates.

What about him?

Please,

it's just too desperate

getting picked up

by some bartender.

Some bartender? What are you?

You're a waitress.

Excuse me. I'm an artist.

OK, so maybe

he's an artist, too.

Believe me,

he's not an artist.

Will you just

forget about him?

[Glass Breaks]

We still have 2 more hours.

Caitlyn, I know a girl who

went home alone on New Year's Eve.

It was like she was jinxed

for the whole year.

Twelve months, completely

invisible to guys, OK?

It was like she was tainted.

We'll get dates.

When have we ever

not gotten dates?

It happened to me.

Remember '78,

I went home alone?

You were in a committed,

monogamous relationship

that week.

There was no committed

monogamous relationship.

That was a cover story.

Hi.

I forgot my key.

Jenny, I'm... I'm sorry.

Don't. Love means never

having to say you're sorry.

I hate you motherfuckers.

[Pounding On Door]

Oh, my God...

Guests!

Thank you, God, thank you!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Coming!

[Pounding On Door]

[People Celebrating]

Eric, hi. Happy New...

Year.

Great party.

Oh, come on, Eric.

You know how it is.

No one wants to be

the first to arrive.

That's all.

How about some food?

You want some food?

I made the crab dip myself.

So, uh, where's, um,

what's-her-face?

She's not coming.

Oh, she's not?

She broke up with me.

Do you believe that?

It's New Year's Eve,

and the woman breaks up with me.

And wait till you hear

the story she came up with.

Suddenly, she's got this

mountain-climbing boyfriend

that everyone thought was dead,

but now it turns out he's alive!

Have you ever heard

such a pile of sh*t?

Well, you know how it is.

You know what we need?

We need some music.

Don't you think?

Something Christmas-y, huh?

I hate Christmas.

Jesus, Eric,

help me out here, OK?

I'm hanging on by a thread.

[Feliz Navidad Plays]

? Feliz Navidad?

? Feliz Navidad?

Oh, my God. Stop yourself!

Look, I hate the holidays.

I hate the way they're

all bunched together.

And I think

the whole thing stinks.

And... And it's all bullshit.

? Feliz Navidad??

[Rock Music Playing]

? Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Hey, could we get

some beers over here?

Oh, my God, Val, we have to go.

Would you hold on a minute?

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