200 Cigarettes Page #7

Look, I'm sorry that

what's-her-face dumped you.

OK? And I'm sorry

that you're so bad in bed.

I really am.

But most of all, I'm sorry

that I decided to throw

this atrocity,

this nightmarish ordeal

of a New Year's party

because this is breaking me,

Eric.

Do you understand me?

This party is breaking me.

Nnhh!

You don't have to get

so emotional.

I mean, it's not that bad.

It's not that bad?

It's not that bad?

Eric, we are standing here

with one hostess

who's on the verge of hysteria

and one guest... one guest...

who spent the entire evening

coming to terms with

his sexual problems, OK?

That's it! That's my party!

Happy f***ing New Year!

How could I have been

so stupid?

Wait up.

Of course Ellie's

gonna show up tonight,

given that it's

the worst possible thing

that could happen.

I'm never gonna forgive you

for this, Lucy.

It's not my fault

your girlfriend caught us

making out in a bathroom stall.

You know,

I didn't hear any complaints

when your hands were up my dress!

You know,

this is a big joke to you,

but this is my life.

You don't understand.

You should be thanking me

for helping you

sever a totally

unhealthy relationship.

Thanking you? My life

is totally screwed up now

because of you.

Your life has been totally

dark, evil, and nihilistic

since the day I met you!

It never gets any better.

You're so depressed, Kevin.

The only reason

I keep you around as my friend

is because you

make my life look great

by comparison.

Oh, thank you.

What a humanitarian!

Your life's a rose!

Maybe I should leave.

Maybe you should!

Where you going?

To find that bartender.

The bartender?

Well, that's just perfect.

Give him my regards.

I will. F*** you!

F*** you!

Just remember, I was the one

that wanted

to stay home tonight, Lucy.

Oh!

Jack, what are you doing?

Nothing. I just, uh...

Mm...

Mm. [Giggles]

Hey, you OK over there?

Wow...

OK, let's go now.

Oh.

I guess I was wrong

about tonight

turning out to be so terrible.

Yeah. Maybe. But let's

just go to the party, OK?

No. Jack, I mean,

I think I'm falling

in love with you.

What?

I mean, I... I think

I'm in love with you.

Oh... not again.

What do you mean

not again?

Look, don't do this, OK?

Just don't do this.

You don't even know me.

But I like you, and I

thought you liked me.

Yeah. I do like you.

I like you a lot.

But I like a lot of people. See?

Yeah, I see.

Oh, come on, don't be like that.

Look, Cheryl...

Cindy!

My name is Cindy!

Right. I know. I'm sorry.

Who's Cheryl?

She's... wh... th...

it doesn't matter.

You're in love with

this Cheryl person?

No! No. I'm not in love

with anybody.

That's the point.

The whole topic makes me uncomfortable.

Look, let's just forget everything,

and we'll go to the party.

OK? Come on.

Go to the party with me.

Be careful on the ice.

I wouldn't go

to that party with you

if you were

the last man on Earth.

Come on, don't do this, Cindy.

Oh, go to hell! Aah!

Aah, aah, oh, God.

Oh, my God!

Oh... God!

You all right?

No! I think I landed in

a big pile of dog sh*t!

Eww!

Eww!

Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.

It's not that bad. Really.

It's not that bad.

Oh, leave me alone!

Jesus, I hate you.

You're just such a big phony!

It's like you're not nice at all!

I never said I was nice.

You're the one

who kept going on all night

about how nice I was.

Oh, you're so conceited!

What are you talking about?

You think I haven't noticed?

I mean, ever since you

found out I was a virgin

before last night,

you've been hounding me

for a reason why.

Why did I choose you?

What was it about you?

You, you, you!

That's all you care about!

I was curious.

Listen, you think there was

something special about you?

Well, guess what?

It could've been anybody.

Yeah, that's right.

You were just there.

I would have gone home

with anybody last night.

I just wanted

to get it over with.

It could've been anybody!

OK, date's over.

Look, why don't we

just end this date

right here, OK?

That's fine with me.

We'll both go home,

and if we're lucky,

we'll never have to

see each other again.

Sounds perfect.

Great. Wanna share a cab?

Fine!

Fine.

I bet that Cheryl person

hates you, too.

Yeah. Her and every

other woman in New York.

Taxi!

So common, so typical,

so similar!

You men are so similar

in your mediocrity.

You're like a pack

of Philistines!

These matches

are disappointing me!

Here you go, baby.

I can't be babied,

but thank you.

You see what I did?

I said thank you.

That's courtesy.

And courtesy and manners

are what women know.

Men, you get into

a relationship,

and the woman is so willing

to sublimate her needs

to guide her man

through the important

signposts of life, lovingly.

Very lovingly.

And then you turn your back

for 24 hours

and you go into a public restroom,

and there he is,

making out with another woman!

Do you see what I'm saying?

Oh, I feel you.

And who do I have to blame?

I have myself to blame

because I've dated enough

narcissistically neurotic men

to know that you are all

just a pack of roaming babies

in search of a giant teat

from which to suck

the life blood out of me

until I'm a hollow shell.

What?

Well, baby,

all this talk about teats

just made me think I

should say something.

Uh, I'm sensing

a lot of hostility

coming from the back seat.

Oh, really?

That's very astute.

Well, that's not good

for me, man.

That kind of energy

damages the plush interior

of my cab, right?

And you're blowing

a $5.00 high, mama.

You need to find yourself a man

who's secure enough

to appreciate you

for the superior woman

that you are.

I like a strong woman.

Oh... yeah. Mm-hmm.

And you are a strong woman.

If I was you,

I would pull over with me

and celebrate

our strength together.

What do you think

about that, baby?

This corner's great.

This corner's fantastic for me.

Well, let's do that.

I didn't know you wanted

to pull over so soon,

but I'll tell you what,

do you wanna make slow,

passionate love,

or should I leave

the meter running?

Baby? Baby?

Baby actually left.

Mm, mm, mm.

Now, let me see.

Did I smile?

I must not have smiled.

That's what it was.

Bridget:
That was

a total waste of time.

Really, law school.

That is so yuppie.

Do you believe him going on

about real estate all night?

What is it with guys

where they think you give a sh*t

about their stuff?

Oh! There he is.

Bridget:
You think this is too mean

ditching him this way?

Caitlyn:
Please,

the law school thing is bad enough,

but what's with the cowboy shirt

and the gladiator hair?

Bridget:
Really.

Oh, and you might want

to try a new approach.

This whole thing

with the matchbooks

is so predictable.

What do you expect?

I'm under a deadline.

What time is it anyway?

Oh, my God.

- What?

- We've got an hour.

An hour? Are you serious?

Come on!

Wait a minute.

The last thing...

The last day of 1981.

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