20 Year Old Virgins Page #2

Yeah.

Dude, we gotta get him

back one of these days.

Yo, maybe we should like,

order some shitty food someday.

So that way when he takes it and eats it,

it'll be sh*t.

Dude, you rock.

I know.

All I need Is to

be ready When love

Finally conquers me

In local news today a jumper stood

on the side of a cliff

threatening to jump in a 45 minute standoff

with local authorities.

I bet you a buck that guy won't jump.

You're on dude, you're on dude.

We're sorry to say it did not end well.

The man ended up jumping after a

failed attempt to save him.

Ah, you lose, sucker.

Dammit.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just kidding, homey, I'm not taking it.

Dude, dude, you won fair and square.

I'm just f***ing with you.

I saw this video earlier today.

So did I.

I didn't think the

idiot was gonna jump again.

Dude, what's six inches

long, has a bald head on it,

green, and chicks cant get enough of it?

My dick!

Dude.

What's the difference between a job

and your wife?

What?

After five years your job still sucks.

That's totally true.

Okay, all right.

What's the difference, dude,

between sin and shame?

Dude, I don't know, what?

It's a sin to put it in,

and a shame to pull it out.

Dude, dude, dude.

What's the difference

between hard and light?

What?

You can always go to

sleep with the light on.

This is the life.

You said it, dude.

Kicking back with a buddy, eating pizza,

watching TV.

Dude, who needs girls?

Yeah, who needs girls?

Dude.

It's not like I don't

enjoy our hangouts and sh*t,

but I gotta get me a chick.

Yeah, me too.

I'm going broke being single.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what would be cool?

If a couple girls knocked on

our door right now.

One for me and one for you.

Yeah, dude, be like, invite them in

and then touch them, kiss them,

and then make love to them.

Oh, and shower with them and stuff.

Dude.

Yeah.

And then cook with them.

Cook with them?-Yeah, dude.

Dude, you don't know

what youre talking about.

Dude, chicks dig that sh*t.

It's like watching porn for us.

Yeah, porn.

(knocking)

What's up, loser?

Hey, Mike, what are you doing here?

What's up, bro?

F*ggot.

You still alive?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?-I don't know.

Looks like I'm gonna be staying

here for a little while.

What happened with you and Amy?

We broke up.

What, I mean, what happened?

She's just a f***ing liar and a cheater.

How'd you, how'd you find that out?

(sputtering)

God.

How'd you find out?

Look, check it out.

I call her last night just to

ask her where she is, right?

She tells me she's out with her

best friend, Jennifer.

Okay, so?

I was with Jennifer.

Oh.

The f*** is that smell?

I can't believe hed just leave like that.

You know, we talk about this

sort of thing in bed

all the time.

He'll be back.

Just give him some time to cool off.

Yeah, well, for all I

know he was cheating, too.

How do you know that, Ames?

Last night when he called l

told him I was with Jennifer.

And?

He was with Jennifer.

Okay, well, doesn't she

take swimming lessons from him?

Whose side are you on?

Oh, God.

God, you guys suck.

Yeah, bro, low shot, yeah.

All right.

Bedroom's mine.

That, that's the, that's my room, bro.

You still wet the bed?

Yeah, I do.

Great.

(indistinct conversation)

Don't forget your girlfriend.

Yeah.

Burn.

Can I talk to you for a second?

You just got burned.

Dude.

First he comes over without asking

and then he makes himself at home

and now he's taking over my room?

Dude, he just broke up with his girlfriend.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Come on, just take it easy, it'll be okay.

They'll probably get back together

by the end of the day.

Dude, I know hes your brother and all,

but he's an a**hole.

Hey, come on...

There's already one a**hole in the complex,

we don't need another one.

It'll be okay.

I'll think of something, I'll

think of something,

I always do.

What about my online

gig with Candy Cane, huh?

He's totally cramping my style.

All right, all right, I'll

think of something, okay?

I'll take care of it.

Just have a tomato.

Dude, get up.

It's midnight.

Dude, let's go.

Hurry, hurry up, you're

gonna miss her again.

Dude, are you getting this?

Oh, yeah.

You can see her b*obs.

You can see her whole

body, I'm gonna get it

all up here in my head for later.

Yes.

Dude.

Oh I love you, Sarah.

Dude, how do you know her name?

I don't.

Oh, dude.

Oh, dude, check it out, she's

doing the breast stroke.

Yeah.

I don't know if thats actually

the breast stroke,

but her b*obs are showing.

It's gotta Bethe breast stroke, right?

It's the breast stroke.

Caught myself there.

Dude, she's getting out.

She's putting her robe on.

Oh, dude, she's leaving.

(frantic whispering)

Dude, I'm zooming in, zooming

in, I'm zooming in,

zooming in, I'm zooming in...

All right, all right, I got it.

Got it, got it, got it.

What can I tell you?

I love food.

That's exactly why when l hear that music...

Dude, I can't figure out this puzzle.

All the pieces look the same.

Dude, just work it from the center out.

And how important food is to them.

Well, food is so important to me

because I grew up with my whole family

dealing with food.

My family was at food places all the time,

you would have thought their

middle name was buffet.

And it was great because typically around.

Christmastime most of the kids in families

would always get sweaters.

My family got insulin shots!

I tell you what, I grew up with my dad

taking me to his workplace, which

he worked with food.

He enjoyed working with snack bar areas.

And I would always come into help him out

during the part time high school career

and he would have these big, like,

little um, big, little,

he would have these mustard containers

and ketchup containers and

then l would to go the freezer

and I would get those big, huge

buckets of mustard and I

purposely would wait

until he wasn't looking and

I would take the mustard,

I would set it down like so,

and I would take this big, huge container

and I would just dump it down

and there'd be mustard everywhere

and it's like yellow

going crazy, I loved it.

That was one of my experiences with food.

And then he also volunteered for

the Federation of the Blind.

And I was very happy about

that so I one day pitched in

with one of their fundraisers.

We had a barbecue fundraiser plate

and the barbecue was like an assembly line

that I was standing and my job was

to do the desserts.

The barbecue would

whish right in front of me

and I would smell all the barbecue

all through my nostrils and

I just wanted to eat some.

How'd you homos sleep?

I didn't.

Oh, you guys didnt keep each other warm?

What do you losers do all day, huh?

How do you even pay rent?

I work at the movie theaters and Eugene...

Well, he just got canned.

But he's gonna get a new job soon, right?

What happened?

Why'd McDonalds fire you?

Trying to stick a little

wiener in a McBagel?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes