22 Jump Street
1
You're a f***ing nerd.
Boy, you lucky you
even graduating.
- F***!
- Oh!
You're good at this, huh? Yeah.
You're really good at this.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to be friends?
Yours isn't loaded, right?
Just touch it. I'm scared.
Just touch it.
Seriously. All right,
all right, all right.
You took a bullet for me, man.
You shot me in the dick!
Boom, motherfuckers!
You two sons of b*tches
are going to college!
Yin is characterized
as slow, soft, passive
and is associated with
water and femininity.
While, Yang, by contrast,
is fast and solid and...
Man, this is BS.
I thought we were going to actual
college, not online college.
Listening for coded
messages in lectures.
What are you talking about?
Look around.
This is our city.
What do we want to
be in college for?
You're right.
Partners for life.
At Metro city port, the
tide comes in at 10:30 A.M.
Then it will return to the sea.
Metro port. One hour.
let's do this.
Turn down for what
turn down for what
surprise. There's two more arms.
turn down for what
turn down for what
- sh*t! That's the ghost.
- The ghost?
Joste Nillsen,
biggest trafficker of illegal
goods in Metro city.
He teamed up with
a Mexican cartel
and they're running all
this sh*t through the port.
What the hell are we
supposed to be buying?
I don't know.
What are you doing? Huh?
I got a new identity
that's Gonna be killer.
I'll be throwing it to
you to make it legit.
Okay.
I'm Gonna need you to improvise.
Okay?
I don't want to improvise.
I'm Gonna need you to improvise.
I suck at improvising.
I don't want to do it.
I fall into character.
I fall into character.
Can you give me a
head start on...
I need absolute... I
need absolute silence.
Can you please...
Absolute silence.
Are you f***ing
serious right now?
All right. I hate
people who are late.
We're trying to
see that product.
Sh*t!
Yo, sleepy! What's up, homie?
You know my cousin, sad boy.
I think you got the
wrong guy, homes.
Oh, that's bullshit, man!
You sleepy!
Everyone say in the barrio,
"sleepy, he like the Mexican
Wolverine" and sh*t.
Hey, my partner here, he
want to see the product.
Why ain't he talking?
My name is Jeff.
That's Jeffe, man.
Tell 'em about mousie's
quinceanera, man.
Tell 'em about that crazy
adventure you guys had.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, man, when you were telling
the story last night,
you had so much detail!
The detail was so rich!
It was rich detail!
Go into incredibly
descriptive details
of the story, so we all know.
Oh, yes.
It was Dora and Diego
and Swiper.
Swiper?
Who was that you
choked out, man?
He had it coming! Who was that?
Boots.
No, man, that wasn't boots!
Boots isn't a real name!
You got to tell them
the real story, man.
Start over from the top.
That's a made-up name.
have to deal with these days.
It really makes
me miss the '90s,
when we had
professionals around.
You want to check out the goods?
Check it out.
And shut up. Right?
Where'd you find
this gringo, man?
At the f***ing Mumford &
sons concert and sh*t?
What is it? Guns? Drugs?
No! No!
Dude! It's gross!
It's inking in my mouth!
I'll get it off.
It's so strong! It's
really on there, man.
It's biting my face!
Sh*t!
Black market exotic animals, just
like we expected to be in there.
The accents are gone, huh?
Take them out, guys.
They're cops.
What was that? I don't know!
I think we're moving.
We're definitely moving!
There's f***ing birds
and sh*t in here!
There's actual sh*t!
What the f***?
There's a f***ing
dragon in here!
Sh*t!
What was that?
Dude, that was our car.
We shared so much in that car!
I'm going to shoot them in the face
for that! That was our f***ing car!
What are you doing?
Don't teen wolf on the truck!
Don't leave me here alone!
Then get up here!
I can't do that!
Then f***ing climb around.
Come on, climb around.
Let's go. Come on, buddy.
You got it.
This is so scary!
Shoot him!
Don't leave me out here!
I'm all out. You stupid moron!
That's it. Come on.
F***ing get up here.
Come on. F***!
All right, you good? Yeah!
All you got to do is walk now, okay?
Okay.
Sh*t!
What the f*** are you doing?
Get up here!
I can't!
All right, fine, I guess
I'll just drag you.
I'm Gonna die!
You're not Gonna die. Just
get the f*** up here!
Pull yourself up here.
Use your core!
You got it, you got it.
Come on, come on. Yeah!
All right. Think you can
stand on your own now?
Yes!
I think we lost them.
Sh*t!
He's the f***ing Terminator!
That's f***ing dangerous!
You are under arrest!
Pull the truck over!
I said pull the f***ing truck
over right f***ing now!
You owe me a car,
and it'd better be a f***ing
Lamborghini, you b*tch!
I did it!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Oh, sh*t!
Holy Moses!
Sh*t.
What happened?
I think they got away.
Is that a hickey?
Oh. This was actually an
octopus-related incident.
octopus had leapt onto my face.
Apparently, they have
many, many arms.
They have eight tentacles.
Yes, and...
Look, ladies,
nobody gave a sh*t about the jump
street reboot when you first came on.
Anyone with half a
brain, myself included,
thought it was destined
to fail spectacularly.
But you got lucky.
So now this department
has invested
a lot of money to make sure
As if spending twice the money
guaranteed twice the profit.
Like that's going to work.
Yeah. Well, the commissioner's
convinced this debacle happened
because you weren't doing the
same undercover student thing
you did the first time.
She doesn't get that
it's always worse
the second time around.
You settle into worn-out roles.
One gets possessive,
the other runs away.
You begin a slow,
painful unraveling,
as all the good things
that came before
begin to be crushed by the
trash compactor of sadness.
That doesn't sound like us.
I mean...
I'm getting a divorce.
We don't want to
do the same thing.
We want to burst
through our ceiling.
And you're Gonna
find another ceiling
and you got to bust
through that one,
and you just got to keep
hammering ceilings.
Okay, okay, okay.
What if we actually went
into the secret service
and, like, tried to
protect the white house?
I think... I don't
think that would work.
I'm going to ask you
to stop talking.
I thought it was a
pretty good idea.
Do the same thing as last
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"22 Jump Street" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/22_jump_street_1643>.
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