22 Jump Street

1

You're a f***ing nerd.

Boy, you lucky you

even graduating.

- F***!

- Oh!

You're good at this, huh? Yeah.

You're really good at this.

Yeah.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Yours isn't loaded, right?

Just touch it. I'm scared.

Just touch it.

Seriously. All right,

all right, all right.

You took a bullet for me, man.

You shot me in the dick!

Boom, motherfuckers!

You two sons of b*tches

are going to college!

Yin is characterized

as slow, soft, passive

and is associated with

water and femininity.

While, Yang, by contrast,

is fast and solid and...

Man, this is BS.

I thought we were going to actual

college, not online college.

Listening for coded

messages in lectures.

What are you talking about?

Look around.

This is our city.

What do we want to

be in college for?

You're right.

Partners for life.

At Metro city port, the

tide comes in at 10:30 A.M.

Then it will return to the sea.

Metro port. One hour.

let's do this.

Turn down for what

turn down for what

surprise. There's two more arms.

turn down for what

turn down for what

- sh*t! That's the ghost.

- The ghost?

Joste Nillsen,

biggest trafficker of illegal

goods in Metro city.

He teamed up with

a Mexican cartel

and they're running all

this sh*t through the port.

What the hell are we

supposed to be buying?

I don't know.

What are you doing? Huh?

I got a new identity

that's Gonna be killer.

I'll be throwing it to

you to make it legit.

Okay.

I'm Gonna need you to improvise.

Okay?

I don't want to improvise.

I'm Gonna need you to improvise.

I suck at improvising.

I don't want to do it.

I need absolute silence while

I fall into character.

I need absolute silence while

I fall into character.

Can you give me a

head start on...

I need absolute... I

need absolute silence.

Can you please...

Absolute silence.

Are you f***ing

serious right now?

All right. I hate

people who are late.

We're trying to

see that product.

Sh*t!

Yo, sleepy! What's up, homie?

You know my cousin, sad boy.

I think you got the

wrong guy, homes.

Oh, that's bullshit, man!

You sleepy!

Everyone say in the barrio,

"sleepy, he like the Mexican

Wolverine" and sh*t.

Hey, my partner here, he

want to see the product.

Why ain't he talking?

My name is Jeff.

That's Jeffe, man.

Tell 'em about mousie's

quinceanera, man.

Tell 'em about that crazy

adventure you guys had.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Oh, man, when you were telling

the story last night,

you had so much detail!

The detail was so rich!

It was rich detail!

Go into incredibly

descriptive details

of the story, so we all know.

Oh, yes.

It was Dora and Diego

and Swiper.

Swiper?

Who was that you

choked out, man?

He had it coming! Who was that?

Boots.

No, man, that wasn't boots!

Boots isn't a real name!

You got to tell them

the real story, man.

Start over from the top.

That's a made-up name.

I can't believe the punks I

have to deal with these days.

It really makes

me miss the '90s,

when we had

professionals around.

You want to check out the goods?

Check it out.

And shut up. Right?

Where'd you find

this gringo, man?

At the f***ing Mumford &

sons concert and sh*t?

What is it? Guns? Drugs?

No! No!

Dude! It's gross!

It's inking in my mouth!

I'll get it off.

Its tentacle is eating me!

It's so strong! It's

really on there, man.

It's biting my face!

Sh*t!

Black market exotic animals, just

like we expected to be in there.

The accents are gone, huh?

Take them out, guys.

They're cops.

What was that? I don't know!

I think we're moving.

We're definitely moving!

There's f***ing birds

and sh*t in here!

There's actual sh*t!

What the f***?

There's a f***ing

dragon in here!

Sh*t!

What was that?

Dude, that was our car.

We shared so much in that car!

I'm going to shoot them in the face

for that! That was our f***ing car!

What are you doing?

Don't teen wolf on the truck!

Don't leave me here alone!

Then get up here!

I can't do that!

Then f***ing climb around.

Come on, climb around.

Let's go. Come on, buddy.

You got it.

This is so scary!

Shoot him!

Don't leave me out here!

I'm all out. You stupid moron!

That's it. Come on.

F***ing get up here.

Come on. F***!

All right, you good? Yeah!

All you got to do is walk now, okay?

Okay.

Sh*t!

What the f*** are you doing?

Get up here!

I can't!

All right, fine, I guess

I'll just drag you.

I'm Gonna die!

You're not Gonna die. Just

get the f*** up here!

Pull yourself up here.

Use your core!

You got it, you got it.

Come on, come on. Yeah!

All right. Think you can

stand on your own now?

Yes!

I think we lost them.

Sh*t!

He's the f***ing Terminator!

That's f***ing dangerous!

You are under arrest!

Pull the truck over!

I said pull the f***ing truck

over right f***ing now!

You owe me a car,

and it'd better be a f***ing

Lamborghini, you b*tch!

I did it!

You have the right

to remain silent.

Oh, sh*t!

Holy Moses!

Sh*t.

What happened?

I think they got away.

Is that a hickey?

Oh. This was actually an

octopus-related incident.

I'd opened a crate and the

octopus had leapt onto my face.

Apparently, they have

many, many arms.

They have eight tentacles.

Yes, and...

Look, ladies,

nobody gave a sh*t about the jump

street reboot when you first came on.

Anyone with half a

brain, myself included,

thought it was destined

to fail spectacularly.

But you got lucky.

So now this department

has invested

a lot of money to make sure

jump street keeps going.

We've doubled their budget.

As if spending twice the money

guaranteed twice the profit.

Like that's going to work.

Yeah. Well, the commissioner's

convinced this debacle happened

because you weren't doing the

same undercover student thing

you did the first time.

She doesn't get that

it's always worse

the second time around.

You settle into worn-out roles.

One gets possessive,

the other runs away.

You begin a slow,

painful unraveling,

as all the good things

that came before

begin to be crushed by the

trash compactor of sadness.

That doesn't sound like us.

I mean...

I'm getting a divorce.

We don't want to

do the same thing.

We want to burst

through our ceiling.

And you're Gonna

find another ceiling

and you got to bust

through that one,

and you just got to keep

hammering ceilings.

Okay, okay, okay.

What if we actually went

into the secret service

and, like, tried to

protect the white house?

I think... I don't

think that would work.

I'm going to ask you

to stop talking.

I thought it was a

pretty good idea.

Do the same thing as last

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