22 Jump Street Page #2

time, everyone's happy.

I can't believe the Koreans

bought their church back.

Yeah. Good thing there

was an even bigger

abandoned church directly

across the street.

Yeah. That's convenient.

Yes, it is convenient.

Next year, we'll probably just

be right back across the street.

Just next door.

Let's not get ahead

of ourselves.

We're not ahead of ourselves.

We're right next to each other.

This is awesome. Like, way

more expensive for no reason.

Look at Dickson's office.

Looks like a giant cube of ice.

How you b*tches like

jump street now?

Hey!

Y'all see this sh*t?

22 jump street is the lick.

And I got a big-ass raise

to babysit you two

f***ers again.

Designed it myself. We

got an Espresso bar.

I'm thinking about a

shark tank over there.

Ooh, I like sharks.

F*** a 21 jump street,

and f*** a Korean Jesus.

Whoa! Cap, come on, Korean

Jesus is right there.

That's Vietnamese Jesus.

See, this a Vietnamese church.

You racist, sacrilegious

sack of sh*t.

Look at that. Vietnamese

Jesus just dripping Swagoo.

And we got some new

dumb-ass interns.

Hey, hey! Look alive! Huh?

Boys. Yo, jenko.

Hey, Schmidt!

Don't do that.

So, they want the same

sh*t, so here we go.

Same identities.

Same assignment.

We're going back to high school?

Your ass look like you about 50.

You're going to mc state.

We're going to college for real?

Somebody's out there, they're

cooking up a new drug.

It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy

mixed with God knows what else.

"Wipey"?

No, you dumb motherf***er.

"Whyphy."

Stands for "work hard? Yes.

Play hard? Yes."

Now, these kids take this sh*t,

and they get laser-focused for

about four hours of studying,

and then they party

like it's goddamn 1999.

Who's this?

That's Cynthia Watson.

She was a student at mc state.

She took some whyphy,

got locked out of her dorm,

ended up falling off the roof.

And now she's dead.

That's her buying

drugs on campus.

And that's the dealer.

Find him and we

find the supplier.

Sir, can I just say,

it is so refreshing to have

a case with a black victim.

I mean, we care so much

more because she's black.

I think what he's

really trying to say

is that we care equally.

It's a tie, really,

how much we care.

Uh... no, we're not. If it was a

white person, I wouldn't even care.

One less cracker-ass

cracker to worry about.

Why every time you speak I

want to throw the f*** up?

Infiltrate the dealer,

find the supplier.

You all right?

Yeah.

It's just...

I'm the first person in my family

to pretend to go to college.

Best part is we get

to do it together.

What's up, college?

What's up, bro? We're 322.

F*** high school, right?

F*** high school.

Oh, so tight!

Oh, this is so baller!

Beds... oh, sh*t.

Oh, dope. That looks like cum.

That's cum. Okay. All right.

Already got cum on

the mattress, Dawg.

Welcome to college. F***, yeah.

Hilarious shirt that

signals we drink alcohol.

Some bacon machine

that my mom got me.

I do not understand

how it works.

It's true.

Super high-tech police gear.

Carte blanche with the

budget, motherf***er.

I'm going to veto that poster.

It's a touch childish.

Okay. What do lambos have to

do with touching children?

Lambos are lame.

I get one choice. I get

one thing that I'm not...

We have to agree. You

know what I mean?

What up, fellas? We're your

across-the-hall neighbors.

Oh, hey, there's two of you.

You're twins.

What's up, man?

We're the Yangs, man. Kenny Yang.

What's up?

Keith Yang.

What's going on?

What's going on?

Did you say the Yangs?

Yeah, dad's Chinese, man.

Our mom's not Chinese.

She's black.

Oh. She's like real black.

Like Wesley snipes black.

Exactly.

We're brothers, too.

No. He's not kidding.

He's serious.

Oh, really?

What? Like, one of y'all older?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, 'cause you got crow's

feet under your eyes, man.

You specifically.

We're actually just

normal college age.

I mean, even if you're a little

older, that's cool, man,

because, you know, girls

here love older dudes.

That's true.

Plus, there's mad

fuckable girls here.

Mad fuckable. Especially

during spring break.

I love spring break.

But I do have to say,

I've f***ed a

thousand girls by now

and I don't know, at

the end of the day,

you just kind of want something

that's just a little

deeper really.

Yeah, balls deeper. Jinx.

Buy me a coke.

Oh, snap, we're still saying the

same thing. This is amazing!

Carrots. Pumpernickels.

Glow sticks. Twins!

That's dope, dude.

That's so sick.

That's crazy. We have that

brother connection, too.

You ready? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Pirates! Baby feet! Paper clips!

Bananas!

Sun! Anger! I don't know! Words!

Quicksand! Shoes!

Boom!

That's hip-hop, man. Awesome.

That's great.

It's Gonna be super fun.

All right? Same as last time.

Dude, if it's like last time,

you're Gonna have an awesome time,

and it's Gonna suck for me.

No. You're Gonna have

an awesome time, too,

because I'm Gonna

make sure of it.

You took a bullet for me.

That's right, I did, and it

sucked, but I'd do it again.

No way. It's my turn. I

owe you a life debt.

Co-ed bathrooms.

What? Oh, sh*t.

I'm not Gonna take a sh*t

the entire time I'm here.

I know.

Hey. How you doing?

Hey.

What's up? 'Sup?

Just exhausted from

inventing Facebook

or whatever website

people our age use.

They still have books?

I thought they just put the

books inside the computers.

Yeah, I guess the kids just use

the stacks to hide and have sex.

So we'll go to all Cynthia's

classes and activities,

ask around about the drug

and find out who the dealer is.

Yeah, it's just like last time.

Exactly like last time.

Dude, in human sexuality,

do you get to f***

or do you just get to

watch people f***?

Neither.

What the f*** am I

taking it for, then?

Now, obviously, we've all

heard this statement before,

I've got a first

impression for you.

Oh, y'all like psychology?

Tracy Morgan.

Nobody?

Work hard, play

hard, am I right?

You looking for some whyphy?

Yeah, man, that'd be sick.

Go to the police station,

walk in and ask your captain

to see the evidence room

'cause you're a f***ing narc.

I think you're mistaken.

You're literally

wearing your badge.

Did you really just check to see

if you were wearing your badge?

This guy's a f***ing cop.

I didn't look down.

"Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't

history happen a long time ago?"

Well, history happens...

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