22 Jump Street Page #3

This class is such a gut.

Hey, you guys play football?

No, this is actually my laptop.

Yeah, I'm taking

notes right now.

I'm kidding. It's a football.

Mr. Mcquaid?

Covalent bonds.

What has been the result

of the war on drugs?

Why would you ask me?

I'm not a cop.

Because this is a

college seminar,

and that's how college

seminars work.

Professor gets into a lively

conversation with the student.

Friction creates fire, and

that leads to lessons learned.

Well, it's definitely

harder to get drugs.

I can personally tell you that.

The average price of cocaine

has dropped 70% in

the last 30 years.

Then your dealer's probably selling

you some pretty stepped-on sh*t.

Mr. Mcquaid, college

is a wonderful place.

This is where you get to

decide who you actually are,

instead of the person that you're

clearly pretending to be right now,

which everyone sees

through, by the way.

You got to decide, "do I just

keep doing the same thing,

"or am I Gonna choose

a different path

"and question my convictions?"

I don't have any

prior convictions.

Why are you saying this stuff?

That's exactly the answer I wanted, Mr.

Mcquaid!

I want you to question

what I'm saying.

This is the basis of

this whole course,

and that's the

beauty of college.

You can say whatever you want.

You can be whatever you want.

I mean, I have tenure. I can

really say whatever I want.

George Washington was

a black lesbian.

The Eiffel Tower

is made of d*ldos.

They can't fire me.

I'm indestructible.

I'm sleeping with

two of my students.

Her and her. I actually am.

Now, just like you did before,

I want you right now to

say whatever you want.

Say whatever you want.

Fieto.

"Fieto," not a word, but

I'm Gonna accept it.

You can do whatever you want

with your life, Mr. Mcquaid.

The only way you can

fail this class

is by not becoming

who you truly are.

Please respond to my text.

Okay, we got time for just

one more improv game.

For this one, we need a ton

of different suggestions.

So, we just need you guys

to fill in the blank

in a sentence that

we're Gonna set up.

So it'll go like this. Oh, I'm

so hungry, I wish I had a...

Tampon! Okay, but we want...

We want it to be actual food

so that it, like, makes

sense with the game.

It's more fun that way. So, uh,

let's try it one more time.

Oh, I've got to get home

so I can feed my...

Boner!

You know what? Let's just

play the game, okay?

All right, so what would you...

Hey, that girl's

in my psych class.

Damn, she's hot. Go talk to her.

You come talk to her with me.

Stop being a p*ssy and

go talk to her. Go.

All right, all right.

Coming to the stage, we got...

J. Bohnes, aka...

Hey. Hi.

I think we're in the

same psych class.

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Yeah.

"Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills!

"Bills! A sign of the

times that rhymes

"Amanda Bynes

"drop that raggedy Andy circus

"circle jerkus..."

You guys are the improv guys, right?

Yeah.

That's cool.

You're the guy with the

terrible suggestions.

Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, man.

Yeah.

Thanks, guys. Um, lady j is

Gonna be up next for you.

Cynthia, that girl who died,

she used to come here

all the time, right?

Mmm.

This piece is called areolas.

Did you know her?

Yeah, she lived across

the hall from me.

Yeah? So why do

you care so much?

I'm... I'm writing a...

"Greedy man hands!"

...a slam poem in her honor.

Early stages, very early stages.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

Wouldn't it be better

just to, like, plan the

stuff out ahead of time,

and then not say it in front of

people and embarrass yourself?

That's a thing that people do.

That's stand-up comedy.

That's probably

what you should do,

because that stuff's funny.

"My brown nipple will produce

white milk during lactation..."

What do you think of this?

I actually think it's

really powerful.

That's cool that you said that,

'cause I actually thought it

was really powerful, too,

when the one girl was talking

about her nips and sh*t.

Okay, does anybody have

anything they want to share?

Let's see what you got.

Any more poets in the audience?

I... I mean, do you

really do poetry?

I do, and I will.

I got somebody. What?

Okay, we got somebody. All

right, give it up, guys.

Yeah! Okay.

Just go up there.

All right, okay.

Okay. No pressure.

You'll see, it's good. Yeah!

Um...

This is a work in progress.

So, uh...

"Slam poetry!

"Yelling!

"Angry!

"Waving my hands a lot!

"Specific point

of view on things

"Cynthia!

"Cynthia

"Jesus died for

our sin-thee-uhs

"Jesus cried

"runaway bride

"Julia Roberts!

"Julia rob

"hurts

"Cynthia!

"Cynthia

"you're dead you are dead

"You're dead"

that's for Cynthia, who's dead.

Whoo!

I don't have a single lead.

I do. I hear you can get whyphy

on campus anywhere 24/7.

Do you think they

mean whyphy the drug

or Wi-Fi like the Internet?

What...

F*** you, brain.

How did we find the dealers

so easy the first time?

Well, his number was

literally on a sticker.

Well, let's go find

this guy's sticker.

I don't think this

guy does stickers.

Well, we need help. We

need to consult an expert.

Yo, dude, you shot him

in the dick, dude.

I got him in the dick. Yep.

"Shot him in the dick."

If it isn't Turner and

hooch, in the flesh.

Holy sh*t, you are looking fit.

Hey, you should get some

tips from this guy.

He's looking good. Look at

those pectoral muscles.

That's the kind of definition

I want out of you, man.

What's up, Eric? Hey.

Mr. Walters, we should, um...

Or I should apologize for, uh...

For shooting my penis off?

Yeah. Yeah.

Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated.

Totally.

You know they gave me a vagina?

It's awesome. You

guys want to see it?

No, no, no, no! No, no, no.

That's fine. All right.

Eric's seen it.

Eric's been all up in that sh*t.

Isn't that right, Eric?

You guys got to get me

the f*** out of here.

Hey, guess what.

I'm Eric's b*tch.

No, you're not.

Yes! I am!

I'm your b*tch.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey.

I didn't mean that.

You know that, right?

I am such a b*tch when

aunt Flo shows up.

It bleeds so much, it's crazy.

It's like the elevator doors

opening in the shining.

Your vagina doesn't

f***ing work, man.

Worked for you last night.

You are so clearly forcing

Eric into this relationship.

Eric, am I forcing

you into anything?

Yes. See?

Look, they sent us in

undercover at a college

to find the dealer of

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