22 Jump Street Page #4

this new synthetic,

and no one will

tell us anything.

That's 'cause you guys look

like f***ing narcs, all right?

College kids aren't

dumb like Eric.

I was supposed to

go to Berkeley.

Well, they gave us a

picture, so we do have that.

Well, that's your

lead, motherf***er!

That's what you start with.

I know, but we can't see his face,

so we don't know who it is.

"We don't know who it is.

"I'm Schmidt. My pants

are filled with doody."

That's you.

That doesn't sound

anything like me.

You sort of sound like that.

That doesn't sound

anything like me.

"That doesn't sound

anything like me."

It's not not you.

Eric! Close your eyes and tell

me who's talking right now.

That's Schmidt being

a little b*tch.

That's just not a

good impression.

Whoa!

Nice job, super sleuths.

Did you even bother to look

at the f***ing picture?

Yeah. Huh?

There's a reflection right here.

Your f***ing guy's got a tattoo.

Find the tattoo,

find the dealer.

F***, man, I don't know. I do a lot

of stupid tattoos to drunk kids.

Do you remember

that stupid tattoo?

A bazooka?

Think I might have did

it on a football player.

Guy with a red Mohawk.

I don't know.

They all start to

look the same to me.

I think I know exactly

who he's talking about.

F*** you!

F*** you, you little

walk-on f***!

I can't, like, move

around in these things.

God, I love walk-on day!

F***, yeah.

That's a weird time

to be q-tipping.

You're all f***ing pussies!

Dude, you don't have to do this.

What?

I just don't want you to get hurt.

I'm not Gonna get...

Whoops.

Sh*t. Whoa.

Dude, I am so sorry.

It's all right, man. Don't

worry about it, man.

Are you sure? All right...

Yeah. Ow.

Sh*t. I got it.

Okay, I got it, I got it.

Ow! That's fine.

I'll get it. No, no, let

me get it, let me get it.

No, I got it. Let me just get it.

No, let me get it.

I got it, I got it.

Let's just...

Dude, I'm sorry. I got my

q-tip in your meat, bro.

No, man, I got my... I got

my meat in your q-tip.

It's like a whole new

type of sandwich.

Like, a meat q-tip.

Like a meat-qute.

That's funny.

Hey, you guys want

some of this sandwich?

It's a meat-qute sandwich.

Me and this guy are

having a meat-qute.

You're hilarious, dude.

What's your name?

Brad. Wait... Brad.

Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad.

I'm Zook. Nice to meet you.

Zook.

Nice to meet you, too, man.

Blue 20!

Blue 20!

Set, hut!

You love walk-on day now?

Your arm all right? You want

to take that sleeve off?

No, I'm good.

Dude, holy sh*t, bro. Great

f***ing catch, dude.

If you see that safety line up

that deep, though, hit me quicker.

Oh, yeah, I didn't know you

had wheels like that, bro.

It's funny, 'cause he's my brother.

So...

Um...

Hey, uh, you know, we have

this rush party at zeta.

but I thought, you know, you

could come by and meet the guys.

It'd be really fun, I think.

Great. Yeah, maybe we will.

Are you guys, like, together?

Yeah. Yeah, this is my bro.

That's... Funny, dude.

You're funny.

Oh.

Uh, really? Wow. Um, okay.

Yeah, man, sure. You,

too, you can come, too.

We'll see what we can do.

Also, I said a bunch

of stuff earlier

that you didn't acknowledge...

Great catch. Cool, yeah.

See you then. So you

won't address that?

What the f***'s

up with that guy?

All we have to do now is

rush the frat long enough

to confirm that rooster

has that bazooka tattoo.

Look, man, do you think

it's cool if you come?

'Cause, I mean, he kind

of really just asked me.

I just don't want to start off

on the wrong foot with this guy.

Dude, you're tripping. We

do everything together.

You should lose the

puka shells, though.

Things are different since

you didn't go to college.

Yo, Brad! What's up, dude?

Same puka, dude.

You got the same... Puka bros.

Holy sh*t!

Look at him, it's,

like, all the same.

Dude, you wear pants, too?

What? Bros, man. Dude.

I knew we were Gonna be

connected, just like that.

Yeah, why don't you guys

just tie your d*cks together

and get married, right, rooster?

Rooster. What's up, bro?

You look good, man.

What's up, rooster?

How you doing, man?

Digging the puka.

Thanks, dude. I can't

believe it's the same...

How you doing, rooster?

Rooster is getting some pop.

Why don't you go check him out?

You in the zone, bro? In

the f***ing zone, dude.

Hey. What's up?

What's up? I'm rooster.

Oh, yeah, no.

We've met before.

Oh, really? I don't

remember that at all.

You must just have a

really plain face.

Yeah. They call me

ol' plain face.

They call you that?

So, do you have any body art

or, like, any ink I could see?

That's a pretty random question.

Hey, anyway, it was so nice

chatting with you, man.

Nice to meet you, man.

Yo, what the f***, bro?

Yo, what the f*** are

you doing, dude?

You serious right now? You...

You're being weird.

You've been weird.

It was just like,

"what am I hearing?

"What am I hearing right now?"

And the psychic told you that?

Yo. That is so crazy, dude.

Hey, dude, you want

to go see the roof?

F*** yeah, I want to

see the roof, dude.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Come on to the roof, come

on to the roof. Let's go.

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, come on, come on!

I miss climbing so much.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

All right, uh...

One more time.

I'm just Gonna go home.

I don't know parkour, so...

All right.

Hey, Maya Angelou!

Poetry, okay. I got it.

Make fun of the poetry major.

So, I guess you have no interest

in having a real

job in the future.

Absolutely not. No, right?

What about you?

Um, I'm an art major.

Okay. So you definitely cannot

talk any sh*t, 'cause...

No, I can't. I cannot.

...you're never Gonna

make any money.

I'm never Gonna make any money,

so don't tell my parents, but...

When I talk to your

parents tonight,

I will not tell them

about your major.

Okay, thank you. You're welcome.

All right, art major.

What do you think about that?

Um, I would say that

it's these two beings

leaning up against each

other in perfect balance.

If one were to fall, they

would just lose each other.

So it's just about support.

You can't admit that it looks

exactly like testicles?

That's exactly what

it looks like.

So, is there someone

who supports you?

No, I'm just one of those people

that really likes to

spend time with myself.

Tell me about it.

I love to be alone. I am,

like, the best at it.

I just love when you're

sitting there in a room,

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