22 Jump Street Page #5

and you're just there

with your thoughts,

and you're like, "oh,

my gosh, I'm alone.

"Would anyone ever

love me?" Or whatever.

And, like, "do I know

anyone who would care

"if I just ever came out

of this room or not?"

Or whatever and, like...

I don't know. It's just peaceful.

I just like it.

Yeah.

Well, if you don't want

to be alone tonight,

we are Gonna go hang out

at the art building,

if you want to come.

Okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

I expected tonight would go in a

way that you wouldn't expect,

but what I didn't expect

was tonight would go

in the exact way that

you would expect.

You know what I mean? Totally.

So you guys hang out here a lot?

Yeah. I mean, we're not into the

whole frat party kind of stuff.

We like to sit around,

just drink some good wine

and talk about some

important stuff.

Banging b*tches and getting

wasted all f***ing day.

Those are, like, two of

my favorite things to do.

You are, like, a slightly

less attractive version of...

Picasso? Picasso.

Right? I've been

told that before.

You read my mind.

What?

Oh, that's Cynthia

Watson's room.

Oh.

It's only 2:00. I thought it was late.

Do you want to come in?

It's only 2:00? I usually go to

dinner at, like, 2:00 A.M., so...

Sure, yeah, why not?

I'm Gonna do it. I just got

to get it at the right angle.

- Dude, stop.

- Stupid f***ing goalpost!

It's impossible. You

can't f***ing do it.

The fans used to rush the field

after every win and tear

down the goalposts,

and coach hated it. And

so he cemented them in.

They storm the field,

and still do it,

but they just bounce around.

F*** this goalpost, bro!

You guys might want to hold on,

'cause this sh*t is coming down.

Yo, what is that? The tattoo,

what's that right there?

Oh. Oh, this? Mmm-hmm.

It's my old high school team.

The Plainview red herrings.

Look at it swim.

Sh*t. What?

Sh*t, that's a really

outside-of-the-box

high school mascot.

Hold on, guys.

Hey, why don't you come

to practice today?

I mean, you're obviously good

enough to play on the team.

Look, I'm not supposed to

be here to play football.

What?

I'm just here to

do my assignments

and get out, that's it.

I mean, yeah, school's

important or whatever,

but when I was throwing

you those passes,

it was like I knew where you were

Gonna be before you went there.

You know, I had this,

like, vision of me

throwing bullet to you, dude,

and then all these fans

just started going, like...

"Zook! Mcquaid! Zook! Mcquaid!"

And they were chanting

and chanting,

and then the

goalposts came down.

Dude?

I have had that exact vision,

like, my entire life.

Dude. Dude.

Bro? Bro.

Dude. Bro.

Dude.

Like, well, we f***ing can, bro.

All you gotta do

is join the team.

Yeah. Why not?

Yes!

F*** yeah, dude.

F*** yeah, dude.

What's that?

My tattoo.

Yeah, f***, look.

Look, it's me, Zook.

Got a f***ing bazooka for an arm.

Know what I mean?

Dude, I'm so f***ing pumped

you're Gonna be on this

f***ing team, bro.

Yep.

What's up with it?

How you doing?

Hi. Good.

How was the, um...

How was the sex for you?

It was fun for me.

It was a good time.

Yeah, right.

I enjoyed it.

Yeah.

This is why I don't drink.

Oh.

Hey. How you doing?

I'm fine.

I mean, I'm not listening to you

guys fornicate all night long.

Thrusting and pumping.

Okay.

I thought your hip

popped out at one point.

I'm just saying, it's,

like, all fun and games,

and then you wake up in bed

next to a 40-year-old freshman.

I'm 19, so...

Nineteen minutes

late to pinochle,

where you're meeting your

old friends in the park?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him.

He's still so sharp.

That's so inspiring.

Tell us about the

war, any one of them.

You're, like, the loudest

climaxer I've ever heard.

It was, like, the sound of,

like, a 30-year-old sprinkler

finally going off

for the first time.

Okay, well, so lovely

talking with you.

You're a lovely person. Hmm.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God.

She seems nice.

She's horrible.

God.

She was Cynthia's roommate,

and I felt bad for her, so I

told her I would room with her.

So...

So you probably have

a bunch of stuff

that you have to do today.

Right? No.

Oh. Okay.

Look, I just want you to know

I'm not, like, a "hit it and

quit it" type of fella.

I'm, like, a "hit it,

"continue to hit it both physically

and emotionally" kind of guy, so...

Hey, Doug, you're not Gonna

be weird about this, are you?

No.

I mean, you're cool

with just hooking up?

Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I'm

glad you said something.

'Cause I don't even know if

I like you when I'm sober.

No, I know, and it's like,

that doesn't even

hurt, like, at all.

Okay, so, um...

I'm Gonna... I'm Gonna split.

I'll text you later.

Great, that was great sex.

You're good at it.

And I'll text you, three to

five minutes or something?

All right.

what the f*** is this?

This is bullshit.

Are you two f***ing

around at school again?

Hey, we got to pay

for this sh*t.

We need results! No, no, no.

Look, we are looking

aggressively

for this very specific tattoo.

Or the tattoo could

just be a dead end.

What the f***? It's

the same case!

Do the same thing.

Well, it's not exactly

the same case, 'cause

one of us got laid last night.

Schmidt?

Shh.

Don't wake up my dick.

Flew in on the red-eye, hasn't

gotten a wink of sleep.

Damn.

We're talking missionary.

We're talking missionary.

We're talking when I'm on

top and she's on her back.

She's smart, she's an art major.

She can't be that smart.

She's a f***ing art major.

Come on.

I will give you

some daps, Schmidt.

Give me some

motherfucking daps, man!

Come on, give me some.

Give me some. Come on!

My human sexuality class

is blowing my mind.

Did you know I used gay

slurs in high school?

Yes, directed at me.

Dude, I am so sorry for

being a homophone.

Are we Gonna talk about how weird

you were today with dickson?

Look, I don't think the tattoo

means what you think it means.

I mean, for all we know, a lot of

people could have that tattoo.

This tattoo? This

absurdly specific tattoo?

Name one other

person who has this.

For starters, Zook has it.

Zook has the tattoo?

What the f***? We've been looking

for this tattoo for days!

Do you understand this

means Zook is the dealer?

I really want you

guys to hang out.

We have hung out. He's

completely ignored me.

I'm sorry, but we're Gonna have

to investigate your new bff.

We're Gonna put

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