30 Minutes or Less Page #2

He's probably down to one or two million now.

As soon as he kicks it,

All that cash is mine.

- You know,

for a million dollars...

You could have anything.

You'll be like a King.

King Dwayne.

- Right On!

and you can be like my Queen.

- and polish my Roll Sceptre.

- I know practice makes perfect.

- ohh, f*** you.

- Maybe, I could help get you that money, now.

- Oh yeah?

- Before he spend another penny.

- And how would you do that?

- I know a guy in Detriot.

He could help you.

He'll probably do it for...

A Hundred G.

- Do what?

- Kill your mean old Dad.

So, what do you say?

Are you ready for your Crown?

Uh huh.

Hey, Watch out.

- Hey, you should pace yourself there, buddy.

Its Noon on a Saturday.

Nah, the frige is full man.

We are all good.

Its pretty crazy about Tom Small huh?

- Yeah, well.. I never liked him.

Your sister did. You know,

she let him finger blast her? Big time.

- What the f*** are you talking about, man?

I don't want that sh*t in my head.

- Sorry, your sister told me about it last night,

I thought you should know.

- What? You now swapping stories

about getting fingered?

- No, it's just that your sister makes some

questionable decisions. You know, like...

like moving to Atlanta.

- What's wrong with that?

She gets to manage a hotel, I get free rooms...

You can go over there and crash,

whenever you're on streets. We all win!

- Yeah, except her!

Once she gets involved with some Atlanta douchebag,

that's totally wrong for her.

You know, some Doctor...

who drives a white BMW and listens to Phish.

F***ing lame.

- Right, whatever.

Why are you telling me who my sister goes out with?

- I don't know.

- You wanna f*** my sister, don't you?

- Chet, I really don't wanna talk about this, okay.

- Ahhh, my twin sister!

Which is basically, like f***ing me???

- Your sister is attractive, and she excites me.

Yes, in a sexual way.

Can we please be adults about this?

- You...an adult?

You had a luchables for dinner last night.

You're a f***ing man-child!

Hey, let's not say sh*t we can't take back..Okay?

How about this?

You wanna know who I saw naked?

Who?

Jenny Rifkin.

I was nailing her.

The week after she dumped you.

Intercourse style!

That's right.

My brown hands, all over her nice white tit ass.

Wow.... You pulled a Judas on Jenny f***ing Rifkin.

That is messed up Chet.

Almost...

as messed up as how I sold your

Willie May signed ball for 200 bucks.

Hey, My grandpa left me that ball in his will!

You helped me look for it for a month!

Now you know why we never found it.

Are we done here?

Not quite yet.

I was the one who told John Tanner

about how your mom f***ed that

lifeguard. And I always felt awful about it,

because even though he swore secrecy,

he wound up telling everyone else in town.

And then your parents got divorced.

But now...I don't give a sh*t.

Well then!?

You ruined...my whole f***ing life!

Not much of a life to ruin but yeah,

I guess i did.

Okay, Chet.

You're right.

I do wanna have sex with your sister.

Again.

Because the first time was so awesome.

Bullshit, that never happened.

Graduation night.

- Noo, you f***ed Tina Scado.

- No, I just told you I did. Same story,

different girl.

- What!

You deflowered my sister,

and i know all the f***ing details!

Get the f*** off me!

You're twins, did you feel it when I was f***ing her?

Motherf***er!

You're a huge loser.

You're not good enought for my sister. Okay?

You're a pizza boy!

You know, I actually feel sorry for you.

You're a f***ing dick.

Cos you'll never understand this sh*t.

Its way more complicated than your...

Online dating.

You're a sh*t friend.

All those years asking me for stuffs,

favours...you know what, that B gowns is the last favour.

You'll ever get.

- Good, That's the last one I'll ever need.

Yeah, i'll give you call on a f***ing Matzarella sticks.

The pool is so dirty dude.

Where do all these leaves come from?

- Where the hell do you think, dude?

From f***ing trees.

- That's what she said.

You know, 'that's what she says' joke don't..

work with that. It has to be something

in a sexual reference.

Like, you know...

'These leaves are hard'.

That's what she said.

I hate this pool.

Dwayne?

What?

Look, I don't wanna get into a family matter...

or anything but uh...

but killing the major seems kinda messed up...

right? or no???

No, it's not messed up.

It's barely even murder.

I mean ...it's

really..just kinda shaving

a few years off The Old man's shitty existence.

Hey, Dipshit!

If my pool ain't ready in an hour,

you don't get paid.

Maybe, you gotta woke your lazy ass up,

before noon.

- I wake up at 11:15 Major.

That's a fact.

- You look good.

- Nice to see you too, Dad. Love you... so much.

F*** that dick.

You know why I sleep late, Travis?

It's not because I'm lazy.

It's on account of having so many dreams.

Big ones.

Prepare yourself.

What is the one thing, this town's missing?

I'll give you a hint.

It's cash business.

It's crawling with sexy b*tches.

- A Chinese food restaurant?

- Abortion clinic?

- No.

- Yeah...No. A tanning salon.

Think of alll the green.

All that brown flesh.

And, It's the perfect front for a prostitution ring.

- And guess what?

- What?

- I'm gonna cut you in on it.

Make you a partner in business.

If...and only 'if'..?

You'll be my partner in crime.

You're gonna be f***ing rich and famous..

Helping dudes to calm and get tanned.

Or you're gonna be f***ing p*ssy,

and clean this a**hole's pool

for 10 bucks an hour?

- Yeah, alright. I'll do it.

But I'm not shoot the Major or anything. Alright?

I'll hold him while you shoot him.

Not that dude.

- Nah.. listen, I'm not shooting anybody alright?

You wanna be a millionaire Travis?

You gotta start thinking like one, Okay?

Do you think millionaires murder people?

No..no they don't.

They hire highly trained assassins to do it for them.

Which I've done.

- What?

- Dwayne, where are we gonna get a 100 thousand dollars,

to pay this deadly assassins?

- See, now we're getting down to the heart of the matter.

How do we get the 100 Gs?

'Cause once we have the 100 Gs,

We basically have a million.

And once we get the million, well then we

own everything and everyone in this whole f***ing town.

- Alright, maybe we uh....

rob a bank?

Isn't that what people do? Just go down to the local branch,

shoot some old sh*t security guard???

We'll be like...

- Not really thinking like a millionaire.

Okay, then maybe we, uhh hire somebody to rob a bank.

- Dude, F*** hiring them,

Just force some dumb motherf***er,

to rob a bank for us.

So, I film myself banging this dude's wife.

I talk her into doing some degrading sh*t.. get the neighbourhood

kids over and they're gonna whack off on her face.

And then, we use the tape to blackmail her hausband,

Into robbing the bank.

- That's a great idea, Dwayne.

Really good.

I just think, it might be a little hard to find

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