30 Minutes or Less Page #3

a wife that slutty and gross by tuesday.

- Yeah, I guess seduction takes some time,

So, what do we do?

We use political pressure, death threats??

- Or A bomb.

Everyone's scared of a bomb, Dwayne.

- I was gonna say hypnotism...but

I like a bomb.

Yeah, that's definitely thinking outside the box.

What would you do? You just like,

stick it to him like we did those watermelons?

- Yes, strap it on Man.

- You can do that?

- Yeah, camel jockeys do it in caves.

I got a f***ing dope ass

garage workshop, in America.

- And what I like about this idea is,

this is kinda howa f***ing millionaire would do it.

we don't lose any sleep over it,

nobody gets hurt.

- Except The Major.

- The trick is gonna be,

Where do we get our dude?

If we're gonna commit to a kidnapping,

Well, that's just as risky as a murder.

- That's a good point.

- We'll have to figure a way to bring the dude to us.

Lure him into a situation,

we have total control over.

We also, gotta make sure that

this dude is not connected to us in anyway.

(on TV) And remember...

We'll deliver anywhere in 30 minutes or less!

Or your pizza is free!

Vito's Pizza, where the customer gets what they want...

pronto!

Sometimes, fate pulls out its big old cock

and slaps you in the face.

- Yeah.

Pizza man:
Give me the bag,

not that bag...the other bag.

Hey, i don't mean to interrupt you

curing a cancer here...but uh..

It's time to get back on the street.

- I'm off in ten minutes,

Where the hell is this?

- Let me check my f***ing e-mail...

Its in 30 minutes or less lane,

or else, the pizza comes out of your paycheck!

Tic Tock!

Hey, over here buddy!

The City's got us working at the ass end of the night!

- Yup, I hear that.

Hey, listen I know i'm probably

like 10..15 minutes late, but uh

That's a great mask.

That's very funny.

So, listen about the whole 30 minutes thing...

are we cool? Cos uh...

Oh, another one. The missing link.

That's really nice, I wish

I could get stoned too.

So, which one of the gorilla's handling the cash?

- Get Him!

Escape, is impossible.

What the hell!?

Rape!!

Step one.

You thought we were gonna rape you.

What an idiot!

Alright, let's see here...

Mr.Nick Davies of 110 North of...

whatever the f*** street.

Right now, you are wearing an explosive bomb vest.

Calm down...calm down.

Just don't do anything like,

trip over your shoelaces or anything.

That vest is packed with C-4.

The C is for chaos.

Actually, for "composible."

Don't bump in sh*t.

Hey wow...

sit down.

Show him your kicks.

- Yeah.. check that sh*t. You wanna pop off?

Look at this.

F***ing stay there!

Or you'll get that right across your god damn face.

So, what do you think?

Pizza boy..

Can we take that tape off?

I'm trusting you now.

- Help!

Someone, help him!!!

Where the f*** do you think you are?

You might as well be in outer space, man.

Nobody can f***ing hear you scream.

They'd hear you more in space, actually.

Not that, you can hear anyone in space.

It's from Alien.

Why are you doing this to me?

Why does anybody do,

something f***ed up to someone else?

- For money dude!

- Cha cha cha Ching!!!

- I'll sell my car.

I'll get you like a thousand bucks. - For that Mustang?

You mean a hundred dollars?

No, no..I'll get you a 100 thousand bucks.

I swear to God, please?

- We're gonna need a hundred grand.

Where the f*** am I supposed to get that much money?

I don't know, Maybe..

The Donner-Wells National Bank on Charles Road.

Over the Olive Garden.

How am I supposed to rob a bank?

It's not my problem dude.

It's yours.

Get creative. Maybe, use that scary bomb

strapped to your chest.

Maybe do it the old fashion way.. get a gun, a band of outlaws..

Doesn't matter to me. Its not a rocket science.

- Fine, Then do it yourself.

Well..I would do it, but looks like I'm

wearing this gorilla mask and you're already wearing that bomb.

Go ahead and tell him about the bomb vest.

Look, You seem like a pretty smart guy...

but just in case...

you're gonna panic and try to be a hero..and be like,

i'm gonna take this f***ing vest off. F*** this guys, they're a**holes..

Don't do that, okay..

'Cos we booby trapped it to sh*t.

There's also a little remote detonator on the back,

so we can trigger...

it at any time by dialing a number.

We got your sh*t on speed dial.

We're watching you alright. So, do what you gotta do.

If you go near a police station..

Fourth of July comes a little early this year.

It's 9:
00 AM. You got 10 hours.

As soon as you get the money,

call this number here.

You call it. We give you explicit directions

on where to make the drop off.

If you do good, we give you a six-digit

combination that stops the timer...

and open the lock.

But if you don't do good...

Allow me to make a little demonstration for you.

Pay attention to the uh..

cuddly bear over there.

Ring ring ring..oh look,

the bear is calling..

What a coinsidence. Hello bear,

How's it going?

Yeah, you're just hanging out getting f***ed up...

that's cool

What do you mean you couldn't rob the bank?

It was too hard???

so you just went back to your bear cave

and hid like a little crying b*tch?

Well, that's a shame, my stuffed buddy...

B'cos time is up.

I liked that bear.

I don't even f***ing know you.

Well, get to it man!

Show and tell is over.

- Alright, and you are free.

- Let's move...

Time's literally ticking right now!

Go on now, get after her.

- Wait, wait...can we please just talk about this?

- Yeah, of course we can talk.

Go on man, get f***ing moving!

You're wasting time! Go..f***ing move!!!

We'll be watching you!

Adios, dumb motherf***er!

Bye! Have fun!!!

What the f***, Dwayne?

You told me that was a replica gun.

Yeah, It was. Then I paid a Mexican

a firing pin in it.

Now it goes boom.

- Dude, we can't have a loaded gun,

around that bomb!

Don't you ever question me.

I'm f***ing this b*tch.You're just holding the camera.

- I know, man. I'm just saying,

you should've told me.

- This ain't the Marines.

If you hesitate, you f*** around...

and I will leave you behind.

C'mon!

We've got some surveilence to do.

And possibly breakfast.

And this whole region here,

about 830 thousand...

square miles, was part of the

original...

Louisiana Purchase.

-(coughing) Nice laser.

- Yeah, its a nice lase, Rodney.

You know what's not nice?

Texting in my class.

- Hey, Steve..you watched the UFC Vitro?

By the way, you think Lisa would go out with me?

Wow!!

Lisa over there?

No way! She's laughing in your face.

Don't text in my class anymore, okay?

Everyone, take out your workbooks.

What do you want?

We gotta talk.

I'm at work. Do not mess with...

Please, for the love of God!

Please..talk to me in private, for one minute.

Well, well..well!

Look who wants to apologize.

Well, you know what?

it's gonna take a lot more than some pathetic groveling -

- Chet! Shut up!

I don't wanna apologize to you!

- Then what do you want?

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