3 Geezers!

1

Yo! What up, dawg?

Yo, yo, yo,

diggity, yo!

Yo, yo, yiggity-yo!

Yo, yo, yiggity-do.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Yo-yo?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you better check yourself

before you wreck yourself, because

that girl ain't nothing but trouble.

Listen, this cock-a-doodle

do not do it that way.

This cock-a-doodle-do

don't doodle-do that way.

This cock-a-doodle-do

don't do that way.

Geez, Peaches...

shut your f***in' pie-hole.

Listen, home-skillet,

I need some chedda',

to take my girl out,

candy slack.

I think the scene is about...

uh, that, uh...

The scene is about...

a girl and a...

I think it's a comedy about a bunch of older cockers

in a retirement home, that's what it's about.

Hi, my name is J Kimball,

I'm an actor.

Hopefully, you actually knew that already,

otherwise, uh...

I don't know... have a little

chat with my agent, I guess.

Recently, I was asked to play a character...

who ages into his mid-80's, in a new comedy

which I think is entitled "Do Not Not Resuscitate."

So, I gave it a good read, as I always do, and uh...

it's terrible.

Terrible.

The dialogue is bland, the

characters are under-developed,

the plot... a piece of crap.

Honey?

- Then I had a second thought.

- Are you ready to go?

Did I mention that it was

written by my brother-in-law?

My darling wife's adorable baby brother?

Turn that thing off.

- I'm working.

- You haven't seen her in 6 months.

Honey, I'm busy here.

- You promised.

- Your project.

Your mother!

Just let me... give me...

So I got a choice.

I can do the movie, or...

suffer the consequences.

You married guys know

what I'm talking about.

Obviously, I'm doing the movie.

And, since I have no idea what

it's like to be 85 years old,

I'm gonna need to do more research than usual.

And I figured I'd invite you

all along to suffer with me.

The only question is,

am I gonna do that research

where my mother is,

at the Nancy Gaye...

Why-the-hell-don't-you-visit-me-more-often

Nursing Home...

or... at The Coconuts Convalescent Home,

conveniently located across the street

from my favorite casino?

Shuffle up and deal.

This is for your own personal use, correct?

Yeah, yeah. I always like to do research,

makes the characters I play more real

for me, you know?

And hopefully for the audience as well.

It's, uh... usually just gonna

be Bob here, y' know,

couple of guys on the crew.

Em, sometimes I'll just shoot myself,

and sometimes we'll both shoot, at the same time.

But don't worry about them.

They're.. they're non-union.

Oh. Good.

Though I am happy to sign a

release, or a contract...

No, that won't be necessary.

Uh, so tell me... how

long have you been the

Activities Director here?

At The Coconuts? Well, uh,

I haven't always been an administrator.

Life... is but a walking shadow.

A poor player that...

struts and frets...

his hour upon the stage,

and then...

is heard no more.

You're an actor.

I'm between roles.

Oh, now, I know how that goes.

When was your last gig?

November.

- Well, that's not so...

- 1998.

Listen, what I...

just really wanna

kinda get out of all this, is uh...

an overall feel for

what it's like here

for the old people.

You know? Um, do they get visitors?

Do they get exercise?

Uh... What gets them up?

In the morning, you know?

And, indeed, can they still...

get it up?

How do old people get around?

Well, first off...

we don't like to call them

"old people."

They're just people,

like you and me, only

old.

- I can't find my glasses!

- They're on top of your head.

Oh, they're on top of my head.

You didn't mention how long you will be with us.

A couple of weeks.

Splendid!

So, the idea here at The Coconuts is

to make our residents feel at home.

Of course, we try to keep things interesting,

mix it up a bit.

In many respects, it's a lot

more fun than how they lived

before coming here.

Yes, sure! I see that, uh...

Thursday is cherry pie day.

I'm also very excited

about a new event we have

scheduled for next month.

We're putting on our first "talent show".

So they, uh, still have the energy

to compete this late in life?

Oh well, yeah. I don't like to

speak in clichs, you know,

"never too late" and all that,

but, uh... you'd be surprised.

And, I might add,

uh, reassured

by what some of them still can do.

- But, but, but... she's my niece!

- Yeah, I can see the resemblance.

- I only need one more minute.

- Yes, well your niece will have to come back

at regular visiting hours.

I hope you wore a condom.

Condoms? We ain't got no condoms.

We don't need no condoms.

I don't have to show you stinking condoms!

You do if you don't want

your dick to fall off.

You're just jealous because

I have a pretty face.

And bigger balls.

Ah, shall we take a look around,

and introduce you to some of our

residents, who can help

you in your research?

- Okay.

- Yeah...

You really scared me

on that prison show.

I've always secretly wanted a tattoo.

Oh-ho-ho, you...

So, this is our recreation room.

What do you think,

stripes or solids?

How the f*** should I know?

Have they invented Braille balls since

I last checked, honkey mother f***er?

Okay, nice to meet you.

That's Bernard.

"Big Sexy"!

Oh, yes, "Big Sexy."

He's harmless, and um, visually-challenged.

Hello, ladies.

Hi.

Morning.

- And one, and two.

- This is our all-purpose room.

Oh! You've come at a good time.

We're implementing some

innovative changes to health and exercise.

Telephone! Telephone!

And one, and two, and three.

And four.

And one,

And two...

That son of a b*tch manager

stole my watch again!

Rex, no one has stolen your watch.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the son of a b*tch

who took...

Nurse!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Whoa!

So... that's about it.

Why don't you make yourself at home,

talk to some of our residents.

I have to get back to the office,

but if you need anything...

anything at all,

- just ask.

- Okay. Thanks, Greg.

I'll just hang out here and see

what the geezers are up to.

Gimme back my watch!

Hi, guys.

What's up?

My dick, if you rub it.

Listen, boy...

this bench is for white's only.

Don't worry about Big Sexy.

Uh, you guys mind if I

just ask you a few questions?

- Still a free country.

- Not for long, the Mexicans are takin' over.

Don't worry about him.

You're here to find out what

it's like to be old, right?

Yeah, right.

It's horrible.

My back hurts all the time,

I can't sleep at night.

- Colonoscopies.

- It's just awful gettin' old.

Every day I have to wear diapers

'cause I can't control my bladder.

I'm constipated.

You guys are pathetic!

Every morning, 6 a.m., I

have a nice strong piss,

6:
30 I have a good firm bowel movement.

Of course, I don't wake up till 7:00...

Ba-dum-bum!

Is he still here?

Yeah, still here.

That's very funny guys. I guess you don't lose

your sense of humor when you get old, huh?

But seriously, what

do you want to know?

Well, you know, everything.

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