40 Days and 40 Nights

RYAN:
Hello. Hello.

RYAN:
Wait, hey.

NICOLE:
What?

You're such a rogue. Give me that.

RYAN:
Hey. Hey.

NICOLE:
Hey?

Baby.

Turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it offl

Do you think this is a joke?

When l come home tonight, we have to talk.

This is not working.

You want to push it even further?

Whatever. This is ridiculous.

It happened again. Last night.

MATT:
(Voiceover) lt's hard to explain.

Itstarts outlike an earthquake.

Then l look over at the girl next to me,

and whoevershe is...

...she's not Nicole.

And all l feel is emptiness.

And that's when it happens.

This great, big black hole...

...opens up over my head.

-Again with the black hole?

-Yeah.

(Sound of ceiling cracking)

-It's nothing but vast emptiness.

-And then what?

I panic.

(Dramatic instrumental music)

You have to help me.

You have to light a candle for me or something.

I'm not lighting a candle

so you can feel better about sex.

That's not what this is about.

It's been six months since Nicole dumped you?

You're feeling sorry for yourself,

screwing every woman in sight.

You want me to say it's okay,

that God forgives you.

At some point it's not okay.

He doesn't forgive you.

-That's advice?

-If you don't like it, see a real priest.

How will you be a real priest

if you can't follow the rules?

Besides, you're the only priest l know

who happens to be my brother.

-You're only a year away from being a real priest.

-Two years.

You need to deal with your emotions

and stop screwing around.

What l don't need is a lecture

from you, dick.

JOHN:
You're the dick!

No, that sounds great.

That sounds incredible.

We might have to bump

a few things from ourschedule...

...but we can make it happen for tonight.

Matt and l will definitely be there tonight.

We're putting our bells on right now.

Okay. All right, bye-bye.

MATT:
l can't go.

RYAN:
What are you talking about?

MATT:
l just don't feel like it right now.

RYAN:
You don't....

I know you're trying to work out

your Nicole issues with the black hole.

-But trust me, trust me--

-I don't have any Nicole issues.

"Hi, l'm one of many pictures of Nicole...

"...thatinfests Ryan and Matt's apartment

aftersix months."

She's hot. I don't mind looking at her.

-I'm saying you have issues.

-These aren't issues.

You still think about her when you jerk off?

Anyway, l've got something

that'll make it all better.

Those two girls we met in Tahoe.

In town for one night, and one night only.

Don't say no yet. No, don't say no.

"l want to come! l want to come!

"They're hot! l want p*ssy." Oh, yeah!

(Upbeat rock music)

-Hi.

-How are you doing?

-Good. You?

-Excellent.

Good.

Waiter.

This isn't Absolut Vodka.

I ordered Absolut.

Yes, it is.

SUSIE:
Are you calling me a liar?

WAITER:
l'll bring you another one.

Sorry. I hope l didn't come off as mean.

You know what you want.

That's a good thing, right?

Yeah, l do.

I know exactly what l want.

(Sound of ceiling cracking)

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing. I'll be right back, okay?

-Okay.

Get it together.

-Throw me a Magnum for my magnum, big boy.

-Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, have you ever noticed

a crack on my ceiling?

Dude, you're action-packed with issues.

-I can't do this anymore.

-For Christ's sake.

What? Does Johnny not want

to come out and play?

No! Johnny's fine, okay? lt's....

-I'm all f***ed up.

-All right.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Strap a helmet on Big John,

and put him in the game.

He'll play his little heart out

and put up big numbers for you.

You're gonna forget about

the cracks in the ceiling, forget about Nicole.

Go out and give your star player

the support he needs.

RYAN:
Right?

MATT:
Right.

Helmet.

Oh, God. Yes.

Come with me. Are you ready?

-Almost.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, yesl

-What are you looking at?

-Nothing. Nothing.

SUSIE:
Are you with me?

MATT:
Yeah.

SUSIE:
l'm close.

-Oh, God. Ready?

-Now?

Now!

(Matt shrieks and groans)

What the f*** was that?

What?

Did you come?

-Yes.

-No, you didn't.

-You faked it.

-No!

Guys don't fake it.

I don't even think that we can.

You faked it.

(Tense instrumental music)

-Show me.

-Show you what?

-You know, stuff.

-This is ridiculous.

-What are you hiding?

-Nothing. Give me a second.

DIANA:
Just a sec!

-What's going on?

-I need something.

-Anything that looks like semen. Okay?

-Something that looks like semen?

SUSIE:
What's going on out there?

You are such a bad liar.

DUNCAN:
The Lakers and Suns can't be

in the finals together.

MATT:
Thanks a lot, man.

DUNCAN:
What's up, Matt?

What's up, man?

I heard you tried

to leave one in the chamber last night.

-Where'd you hear that?

-Internet.

It's all on the lnternet nowadays, you know.

-This is an lnternet company.

-And Ryan has a big mouth, huh?

'Morning, ladies.

CHRIS:
Are you in on the basketball pool?

-What's the line on that game?

-I'll ask the Bagel Guy when he gets here.

-What's the Bagel Guy have to do with this?

-Bagel Guy knows everything.

Dude's incredible.

Why can't he get here on time with the bagels?

(lndistinct chatter)

BAGEL GUY:
Hey!

It's just been one of those days.

You know what l mean?

MATT:
Yes, l do.

I got held up at this import-export place

in Chinatown. Some party.

MATT:
Golden Spirit?

BAGEL GUY:
That's the one.

Their mimosas are strong!

They go straight to your head.

I used to know someone who worked there.

-You know Tatiana?

-Yeah, l know Tatiana. She's nice.

She's not nice, she's hot. I'd hit that.

BAGEL GUY:
And how about Merj?

MATT:
Yeah, l know Merj.

What about that really hot chick

that got engaged? That was funny.

What really hot chick?

What really hot chick got engaged?

The expediter chick. You know, real slinky.

-What's her name?

-Nicole?

That's it. She knows the guy for two weeks.

She goes to France...

...she comes back, she's engaged.

She is spontaneous-combustion hot.

I would definitely hit that.

(Loud sound of clattering)

How do you know it's Nicole

that got engaged?

That's what the banner said at the party.

"Congratulations Nicole."

I can't believe it.

You can't even look right at her.

She's so hot, you need one of those

cardboard eclipse-watching things...

...just to look directly at her.

She's radiantly hot.

It makes me just want to throw her down and....

You know what l mean?

I'm glad we can connect on that.

BAGEL GUY:
Later, pimp.

CHRIS:
Later.

(Rhythmic instrumental music)

NICK:
Hey, Matt.

You all right?

(Slow instrumental music)

GIRL:
Oh, God. I am so sorry.

MATT:
lt's okay. It's okay.

GIRL:
Are you okay?

MATT:
Yeah, l'm fine.

Is there anything l can do

to make it better?

Anything?

Again?

Another girl already?

JOHN:
lt's not even the weekend.

MATT:
l know, l know.

She met someone. Nicole's getting married.

I'm sorry.

I mean, what can l do?

-Tell me what l can do.

-I don't know what to tell you.

This isn't really a problem l know much about.

Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing

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