40 Days and 40 Nights Page #2

giving relationship advice?

Relationship advice, yes. Sex advice, no.

Part of the "priestly thing," and stop

calling it that, is not to have sex. Remember?

-I didn't say a thing about sex.

-Sure you did.

No, l didn't.

I guess thinking about sex

is part of the priestly thing.

-At least for some.

-Get out.

Fine.

FATHER MAHER:
Good morning, Matt.

MATT:
'Morning, Father.

-What's with the purple banners?

-Lent starts today.

It'll be a long 40 days this year.

I'm giving up my one vice.

Those precious little madeleine cookies

dipped in a Starbucks' Mocha.

It's so hard giving up what you love the most.

I've got it! Jesus Christ, l've got an answer.

-And the question is?

-Nicole.

Again?

No sex for Lent. For 40 days.

If l can do that, it'll all be okay.

That isn't what Lent is.

Lent is about sacrifice

and growth through self-denial.

-Lent is to remember--

-How Christ felt during the fast in the desert.

I grew up in the same house as you, moron.

When it comes down to it, that's what this is.

This is growth. This is self-denial.

This is sacrifice.

Dude!

-It's not that simple, Matt. Trust me.

-It is that....

You're right.

You're totally right.

Sex alone is not enough.

It has to be sex and all things sex-like.

-You'll never be able to do that.

-Here's the plan.

One, no sex.

Two, no sexual intimacy of any kind.

No nibbling, no biting...

...no scratching, no sucking, no fondling.

None of that.

And three...

-...no masturbation.

-You won't last a week.

Oh, you're wrong, Brother.

I'm gonna go the distance.

(lnspirational Gospel music)

-Your brother looks happy.

-He's just taken a vow of celibacy.

Oh, dear.

(Upbeat rock music)

Dude.

What the f*** is that?

This is a 1966 Karmann Ghia Coupe.

When l am finished with that...

...l'm going to do

the Caterham Super Seven Cycle Fender Special.

We're going out tonight. There's this club.

Remember that Australian chick, Jennifer Moss?

RYAN:
She's got friends visiting from Sydney.

MATT:
l can't. I have laundry.

-Do you know why they call it "down under"?

-I still can't.

Do you realize how much time we waste

thinking about girls?

You want some alone time in the apartment

with the jerking off.

That's cool. I can do that.

I'll tell them you said hi.

Do you have change for $2?

Excuse me. I forgot something to read.

Do you mind if l borrow this?

Thanks.

A lovers' rendezvous.

You underline words that you don't know

and then look them up later.

Right?

And you underlined "tryst,"

which is a meeting of lovers.

I do that, too.

ERICA:
Matt?

It was on the cover of the magazine.

Can l borrow a sheet of fabric softener?

Thanks.

It's been really fun almost chatting with you.

Same time next week?

Okay. 'Bye.

You are way ahead of schedule.

If l were you,

l'd give me something else to do, quick.

Think you can handle

the Willow and Smart account?

-Window treatments aren't the sexiest--

-It doesn't bother me at all.

JERRY:
You'd be designing the entire web page.

Okay.

MATT:
Hey, Ryan. What's happening?

Do you know how long l spent

looking for my Temple of Poon tape?

One. That's a long time to be looking for porn.

What the f*** is going on here?

One, you can't do it.

You can't.

This isn't a personal attack towards you.

No man can do it. It goes against nature.

The male was biologically designed

to spread his seed.

You're gonna piss off the seeds!

lt goes against science!

You want to be the guy

who goes against science?

And two?

Two, are you out of your f***ing mind?

You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich.

You think you can go 40 days?

This isn't normal!

She got engaged, Ryan.

Nicole got engaged.

I knew that. I didn't tell you.

I thought you'd be pissed.

Sorry. I should've told you.

-I heard it from the Bagel Guy!

-Does he know everything?

-You should've told me!

-I know that. I should've told you.

I'm sorry. Just explain this to me though.

All right?

Nicole gets engaged.

You decide to take a vow of abstinence.

You've never gotten to the point

where you need a break?

Yes! l swear off girls once a week.

Then, before you know it, it's morning.

That's part of the game.

-Did your brother put you up to this?

-He's about as supportive as you are.

And what do you care anyway?

This doesn't affect you in any way.

This affects everyone.

CHRIS:
Right now the pot is at $200.

It's a minimum bet of $50 a day...

...which goes into the pot.

Ifyou win, you win the potless expenses...

...and a bottle of champagne.

If more than one person bets

on a winning day...

...they split the pot according

to the percentage of the day's total bets.

-I go 40 days without sex all the time.

-But, dude, you spank it.

MIKEY:
No jerking off?

NEIL:
That's why my money is on today.

There are two things to bet on.

One, will it be with some girl?

Two, will it be some lonely night

down the stretch?

-How will we know that?

-I can't tell you everything.

-I can tell you there's someone on the inside.

-Yup, like Ryan.

-So Matt doesn't know anything?

-No, no.

That is very important.

Key.

This is great. I mean, this is crazy great.

Everything is so much simpler

when there's no sex involved.

I think this is the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

-You're starting to feel it, aren't you?

-What?

The abstinence.

It's starting to get under your skin?

No, not at all. I'm fine.

You know what l gave up for Lent? Meat.

Why don't you try something like that?

Trust me, celibacy takes years of commitment,

character and discipline...

...which quite frankly are not your best traits.

-So you're the only one with a little willpower?

-A little willpower?

-If you can do this, l can do this.

-You have no idea.

ANDIE:
What is so hard about 40 days?

MANDY:
They're guys.

-To them, 40 minutes is like an eternity.

-They're like animals.

Their entire lives revolve around their penises.

How many days do you think he'll last?

Days? Uh-uh, girl. Watch this.

You are so bad.

MATT:
Hi.

CANDY:
Hi.

Did you do these layouts?

I helped on them, kind of.

-These are amazing.

-Thanks.

You're, like, this totally amazing layout guy.

DUNCAN:
Something's happening. Behind me.

Okay, come here.

I have a big layout problem.

You do?

-Can you keep a secret?

-Yeah.

Oh, goodness.

I have this tattoo of a butterfly...

...on the inside of my thigh.

Yes, you do.

I want to get something on the other side.

I don't know what to get. Any ideas?

I don't know.

I was thinking about a cute little pussycat.

-Do you like pussycats, Matt?

-Yeah.

If you're not busy later,

you can come over and help pick one out.

I can't. I mean, we can't.

Pussycats are mean to butterflies.

They dislike them very much

and hit them with theirpaws.

-And it hurts the little butterfly.

-Right.

Yeah.

Okay. If you change your mind....

Did she just Xerox her ass?

MIKEY:
What?

DUNCAN:
Get off me.

CANDY:
You can give me a call, okay?

This is a photocopy of Candy's ass?

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