40 Days and 40 Nights Page #3

Yup.

You're gonna call her, right?

Obviously, you're gonna call her.

No, l'm not gonna call her.

It's like as soon as you don't want it,

they can smell it.

They'll photocopy their ass.

She photocopied her own ass.

You're doing a lot of laundry.

Didn't you just do it?

Just keeping it clean.

Who is she?

I'm not gonna sit in my room

and build models for the next 40 days.

-Oh, you like her!

-It's not that.

Oh, no. Have a nice time.

(Dance music plays on recorder)

Busted.

Yeah.

I thought l should tell you

l can speak just fine.

They were all out of flowers.

Yeah, that is cute.

I'm Matt. Officially.

Officially Matt, officially Erica.

Officially.

-You normally do laundry on Friday nights?

-Yeah, it's my new thing.

MATT:
New thing?

Well, there was a party.

Don't you ever feel like you keep meeting

the same people over and over?

Like people that went to this kind of college and--

-And now work that kind ofjob, right?

-Yeah.

I want to have a party with a list at the door

of all my friends, and friends of friends.

If you're on that list,

or you know somebody on that list...

...then you cannot come in.

How do you know l'm not on that list?

Nobody on that list would've talked to me

like you did last week.

Or not talked to me.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

So what do you do for laundry money?

I'm a cybernanny.

What's that?

I spend all day looking for pornography

on the web.

Say you have a ten-year-old

with an iMac and browser...

...and she searches "girlfriends"

and then gets "lesbian mud-wrestling."

-Probably not the best thing.

-But you can't avoid it.

Today l ran a search for "sandbox"

and got "Eat my box"...

..."Sandy's hot box"...

...and my favorite, "Vagina Beach."

Myjob is to find a site and block it out.

-You have to look at these sex sites all day long?

-Yeah, all day.

Drive you crazy after a while?

Some days l think if l have to look

at another blow job, l'll scream.

God, yes. Same thing happens to me.

You're going on a date with her?

Won't it get in the way of your thing?

-No, not at all.

-So you're not into her?

-Oh, l'm totally into her.

-How do you not want to f*** her?

Listen, you haven't heard a word l said.

It's perfect the way it is.

She's amazing, and we're totally connecting.

And it's not a sexual thing.

-Not for either of us.

-Dude, you got to tell her. Seriously.

You can pass off two dates without a kiss

as old-fashioned.

Go three, and you're a homo.

Just got off the phone with the guy.

There's a preliminary report for a date

on Thursday.

NEIL:
What? Different girl?

CHRIS:
Same girl, different date.

CHRIS:
He is taking her on the bus.

On the bus where?

Nowhere. That's the point.

He just gets on the bus and goes around.

If you want to get laid,

you take a chick to a fancy restaurant.

But if you really like her,

you take her to your secret place.

That's the bus for Matt.

Mine's the post office.

I don't understand. So he's gonna get--

-Why ask me questions?

-I'll take Thursday.

I like to take girls there and say,

"Let's go postal."

ALL:
Shut up!

-Are you gonna be okay with this guy?

-Yeah, he's great.

-I'll be waiting up for you.

-No, you won't.

Oh, really?

If l bring this guy home,

you better make yourself scarce.

ERICA:
And l'm not joking, Sam.

SAM:
Okay.

ERICA:
'Bye.

SAM:
'Bye.

(Upbeat pop music)

I knew it.

Told you.

Any other guys ever taken you on the bus?

There was a guy who got us kicked off a bus.

And another guy who tried to steal a bus.

And then the most recent guy l dated...

...went through a phase where

he actually thought he was a bus.

-Where do you find guys like that?

-I don't. I don't.

They just always find me.

They always find me.

And you? Any criminal records, addictions

or weird little secrets l should know about?

No.

Yeah. I didn't think so.

(Romantic instrumental music)

ERICA:
You're pretty up-front about yourself.

I have no reason not to be honest.

Yeah, it always catches up to you if you're not.

MATT:
Yeah, that's the way it is with me.

I mean, was with me,

back in my youthful, wasted...

...younger days.

This is me.

I've never had so much fun on a bus before.

Me too.

Good night.

Good night.

(Matt groans with pain)

Watch that!

MATT:
l'll talk to you soon, okay?

ERICA:
Okay.

Very soon, like tomorrow.

I'll give you a call.

ERICA:
Great.

'Bye.

'Bye.

-Like a high-five?

-No, more like a "Gimme five."

He's got a girlfriend.

Some guys are just different about this stuff.

Gay is different to some people.

Well, l trust him. That means a lot.

Is this anything like the last guy you trusted?

Who stole half your jewelry and sold it on eBay?

-Apparently speed is a very expensive drug.

-Dude, you are so gone.

No, l love hanging out with him.

He's amazing.

I'm treated like an equal.

We're connecting on this--

-It sucks, doesn't it?

-Yeah, it does.

It totally sucks.

ERICA:
Why doesn't he just want to have sex?

-So how'd it go last night, champ?

-What?

BAGEL GUY:
With your date.

Did you hit that or what?

What are you talking about?

Nothing. That was weird.

No more drugs pour moi.

What the f*** is going on?

MATT:
You guys put up a web page about me?

CHRIS:
A web page!

Please. Be more insulting, man.

This is a complicated betting pool.

You guys can't make this public.

This is not something

that l want everyone to know about.

It's a little too late, dude.

Today's bets.

Originally, the spread favored Day 26.

I believe with all the dating

in Matt-land these days...

...l'll recommend Day 23.

CHRIS:
Someone just placed another bet.

I had one come in all the way from Bangladesh.

Little haji just loves to roll the dice.

You guys have advertisers?

CHRIS:
A friend of mine, he started up a

business, and l gave him a good price.

A porn site.

Oh, sh*t!

(Upbeat pop music)

-You know where Erica Sutton is?

-Yeah, she's--

Where?

You're that guy. The abstinence guy.

Hey, it's the abstinence guy!

(Background laughter)

What is this,

a kind of bet not to sleep with me?

-No, it isn't a bet. Let me explain.

-You don't have to explain.

I just read about it on the f***ing lnternet.

I should have told you about this.

I thought you'd think l was a freak. Sorry.

I can't believe the load of bullshit

you fed to me about telling the damn truth!

I did this for myself.

I didn't think anyone else knew.

I swear to God.

If l told you,

you would've thought l was a sex addict.

-Are you?

-No!

Then what is the point?

What is the point of this whole thing?

I wanted to see what it would be like...

...without the sh*t that sex brings to the picture.

ERICA:
So l'm like some science experiment?

MATT:
No. No!

I was going through a really rough time,

and l just wanted to stop.

I wanted to stop thinking aboutsex.

Not that l was thinking about sex all the time.

I just wanted to stop.

And the thing is, it's working.

MATT:
Really working.

ERICA:
l'm glad it's working for one of us.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes