44 Inch Chest

- And meet Switzerland's

very own real, live rock star.

- Mmm.

What is this, Archie?

- That?

Mulligatawny, king of soups.

- Mmm. Nice.

- Put hairs on your chest,

that will.

- Panorama's on soon

after the news.

David Dimble-bimble-by,

your favorite.

Oh, there's my mobilius.

Excuse I.

Hello?

Y- y-yeah.

Col?

- Just come...

- Colin, what's happened?

- Hello.

Hello, Arch.

Yeah.

- Col?

Col?

Come on, mate.

You can't lie here forever.

-

No, I can't forget

this evening

Or your face

as you were leaving

But I guess

that's just the way

The story goes

- Come on, mate, cheer up.

It might never happen.

- Hurry up.

Get in here, Pop.

- Tosser.

- Oi! Oi!

Sit down!

Concentrate on your snails.

- Get in, you c*nt!

- Cuckoldry.

Cuckoldry, terrible word.

Terrible thing.

Is he up to it, d'you think?

- Oh, he'll do it.

He'll do it.

He'll kill him.

He's got to, ain't he?

He just needs

a bit more time.

That's all, you know.

Get over the shock.

He'll do it.

No question.

- Well, give him my regards.

Send my condolences.

- Yeah, I will.

I will, Bigg.

I'll pass 'em on.

- Meredith, eh?

Meredith.

- And Mal and Peanut

and me.

- Meredith.

- How'show's Rosemary, then?

- I don't know.

Ask her.

- Hello, Rosemary.

How's you, then?

- I'm all right, I suppose.

Thanks for asking.

Is he looking after you?

Keeping you in sausages,

innit?

- Who? This c*nt?

You're joking, ain't ya?

He opens another tin of chum,

I'm gonna bite his bollocks off.

Charming.

- Well, I'llI'll catch you

later, then, Biggu.

Bye, Rose.

- Toodle pip.

- Fair do's,

the guy's hurting,

but f*** me.

- I know. I know.

It's mental.

- Sh*t happens.

Deal with it.

- How's your hand?

- Throbbing like f***.

He was on the phone to me

last night,

hour and a half,

woke me up.

- Yeah.

- Oh, "c*nt" this, "c*nt" that.

Reckoned he couldn't sleep.

Pissed out of his brains.

Talking a load of cobblers.

He doesn't know where he is.

- I been there.

- No, not like this, mate,

not like him,

not like Colin,

not like Colin Diamond.

Ah, believe me,

you should have heard him.

F***ing hell.

On and on,

telling me his f***ing dreams.

Get this, he's in a phone box,

only it isn't a phone box.

It's her c*nt.

- It's her what?

- That's right, her c*nt,

with teeth.

Oh, no-no-no-no, pardon me.

Let's get this right.

Not teeth; dentures.

- Dentures.

- That's right.

Her c*nt's got dentures.

- Jesus Christ.

- And they're snapping,

clacking at himon him.

Nibbling his arse.

Biting his balls.

I mean, I'm trying

not to laugh.

I'm knackered.

Half past 3:
00 in the morning,

hearing all this sh*t.

- F***ing hell.

- Ah, that's right,

and it goes on.

It goesa door opens.

In walks a cock.

That's right.

You heard.

Yeah, that's right, a cock.

In walks a cock.

And it's massive.

It's not his.

Guess whose.

That's right.

Oh, f***'s sake.

Oh, then, yeah

then he's on a plane.

All right, he's having

his dinner, club class,

and he's dressed as a clown.

Oh, ueah, big red nose

like Ronald f***ing McDonald.

And then

And the waitress

comes up the aisle

and starts whacking him

in the back of the head.

Oh, you make sense of it, mate.

I mean, it's f***ing tragic.

- He needs pulling back.

He's on a slippery slope.

Better watch him.

Dressed as a clown?

- Yeah, f***ing Coco, mate.

- Hello.

- Old man Peanut's vodka,

innit?

- Ah, yeah.

- Taken a sizeable lump

out of that lot.

- You can look at me,

uou know.

I'm not invisible.

- Who said that?

You all right, son?

- I'm bearing up.

Archie, I'm bearing up.

- Yeah, well,

it's never easy, mate.

Never easy.

- Give us a f***ing drink.

- Oh, yeah,

here you are, mate.

Brandy, doctor's orders.

What you staring at?

- You're amongst friends here.

Don't make this more difficult

than it already is.

Hear me, Colin?

Look at me.

- Go on, mate, be brave.

- Yeah.

Well, I got to, ain't I?

- That's the stuff.

- Yeah, that's the spirit.

- Can't believe it.

I still can't believe it.

I just can't f***ing believe it.

- Yeah, well,

it's unbelievable.

Like a bad dream, innit?

Can't believe it.

- Where's old man f***ing

Peanut?

- I'm f***ing here.

That's where he is, c*nt.

- Sorry, Pop.

We wondered where you was.

- Don't "Pop" me.

I'm f***ing here.

Well, give us a f***ing drink.

- D'you want me to pour it

for uou?

- Give it here!

Tosser.

How is he, all right?

- Yeah, he's all right,

ain't ya, Colin?

Yeah.

- You get it together,

uou c*nt.

You hear me?

Hey?

Get it to-f***ing-gether.

We can't have this.

You was a f***ing disgrace

last night.

Inept.

Tonight,

the kid gloves are off.

Show some f***ing backbone.

You're a man.

F***ing act like one!

- He'll get there.

He'll get there.

- And the bloodied slave

rose to his feet,

thrust his hand

into his defiant chest,

tore out his own heart,

threw it at the aggressor,

saying, "Free from bondage. "

Free from f***ing bondage,

you c*nt!

- Yeah, you're right, Pop.

- F***ing right,

I'm right.

F***ing right,

I'm f***ing right.

It's the strong

who shall inherit the earth,

not the f***ing weak.

- Yeah, you tell him.

- Not the f***ing weak!

- Yeah, well, whatever.

This thing's

got to be finished tonight

'cause I'm busy tomorrow.

- You break every other

f***ing engagement,

every other f***ing engagement.

This takes top priority

above everything, everything!

Till this is done and dusted,

put to bed, laid to rest,

nobody does f***ing nothing

but this.

This is where we are.

Here. Now.

This.

Where's f***ing Meredith?

- He's late.

- Late?

Late?

No such f***ing word.

And I'll tell you this,

if Brighton Billy

God rest his tortured soul

had ever caught anyone

being late,

he would've cut

their eyelids off,

stuck 'em in a f***ing sack

with a snake, a cockerel,

and a dog,

and chucked 'em

in the f***ing sea.

Charming.

- That was how it was.

And believe you me,

once he'd made up his mind,

that was it.

That was it.

Nothing could sway him,

nothing.

No surrender.

Immovable, he was,

immovable!

A mountain.

A f***ing colossus.

You hear me, Colin?

- I just can't believe it.

I can't.

Anybody want any crisps?

- Salutee.

- You're late!

- So sue me.

God.

F*** me.

Dj vu.

You enjoying those?

- F*** off.

- So what's happening, kittens?

- More of the same.

- How are you feeling today,

Colin?

You look terrible.

- He's good.

He's f***ing strong.

- Oh, that's good.

That is good.

He don't look it.

- No, he's all right.

- Yeah, better than he was

last night.

Here, Meredith,

I bumped into Biggy Walpole

this morning.

He was asking after you.

- Was he?

Now, that's funny.

He hates me.

- Does he?

Didn't seem like it.

- Is he a poof and all?

- Not sure.

Is he, Arch?

- Who? Biggy?

I don't think so.

- Arch doesn't think so, Peanut.

- Ha.

- What was he wearing?

- Don't know.

A jacket?

- I get waves...

- Jacket, eh?

- Up and down.

- Tweedy.

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